Do you connect with your DC? Do they have qualities that you understand?

[ItscoldinAlaska]

Just that really. I have 3 DC - one who is 17 that I understand (he is a glass half empty type, like me) but I don't really connect with. He has a selfish streak that I just can't comprehend or imagine being able to deliver. DS2 is 13 and I connect with him the most - he is kind and bothered about others, he dances to his own tune which both scares and fascinates me. And DD (9) is completely bothered about animals and is not at all bothered about humans. She has a mean streak that can take my breath away. I am really worried that I have never found my groove with mothering. I have done 85% of it alone, been a single parent twice and I can honestly say I feel like for the past 17 years I have felt like I am in a battle - with my body (had hyperemesis with all 3, post peural psychosis and PND with the middle one), my mind (I should be 'making the most of it' enjoying it etc I feel so guilty that I mainly find it hard) and my children. They don't seem to like me. I put boundaries and red lines in place, I parent and advocate them fiercely, I am the one who 'shows up', I love them. I would die for them unquestioningly. But I don't connect or enjoy them like I do with others. Do you with your DC?

I have 4 and my relationship with each is different. I love them all.
DS15 is least like me. I don’t instinctively “get” him and being a 15yo boy he’s the one least likely to spend time with me, but he does come to me for advice and to chat. I am very proud of him. We don’t really have shared interests etc though.
DD13 I “get” and she says I can articulate her thoughts better than she can. She’s most like me, but also very definitely her own person and I admire her. She’s kind and funny and we enjoy one another’s company.
DS8 is lovely. He loves animals, people, reading and switch games. He can talk for hours (I try to listen) and loves snuggling up. I enjoy our conversations and cuddles. I’m protective and nurturing of him. Our relationship feels most like what I’d expected from a parent/ child relationship.
DS7 alternates from sweet and hardworking to unbelievably cool to having a hair trigger temper and being hugely emotional. He’s tiring and endearing in equal measure. We are similar in some ways and poles apart in others but I understand him with all his quirks and he is secure knowing this. We love one another fiercely.
All very different relationships and I wouldn’t be without any of them.

I connect with mine, but neither is a teenager yet! I should add I like teenagers and am not expecting them to necessarily become awful then.

DD (12) is quite similar to me in a lot of ways but one of the big things I've learned as a parent is not to ascribe too much similarity to onesself to one's child - it's easy to misunderstand things because you project your own experiences on to them. She's on the cusp of adolescence and is in that stage when you're kind of obssessive about things - in her case, Drag Race and LGBTQ issues. Like a lot of her mates, she identifies as gay and this might just be a trend thing with that age group right now or she may actually be gay, I genuinely don't care. I was always tomboyish, she less so, but not typically 'girly' either.

It's interesting with DS (9) as he has ADHD and finds learning difficult, which is quite hard for me to DH and I to connect to as we were both very academic and found school easy and did well. DS is very smart too, but in a different way. Emotionally he's very easy to connect to, as he is super loving and cuddly.

Oh thank you for both replying. Both replies have made me feel so much better. I berate myself for not 'getting' my children but you have both made me think I don't necessarily have to 'get' them. Thank you both

I love my eldest so much. But she's a perfectionist. And she doesn't just expect it from herself (which brings its own problems) but from me too. And I can't live up to that. She's comes across very judgy and often makes me feel inadequate. I know she loves me very much. And she shows it in all the ways she can. But I just can't meet her expectations, and her bluntness makes me shrivel inside sometimes. I'd trust her with my life though

My youngest is the opposite. She's flaky, which can drive me nuts. But she's absolutely accepting of me and warm in her interaction with me.

There is absolutely no difference in my love for each of them. But one is much more comfortable than the other.

I don't connect with my DD but then she's a teenager, I'm too awful to be in a room with so it's fair to say she doesn't feel much of s connection with me either. I live in hope we'll get through it and connect when she's older. I'm trying to maintain some semblance of a relationship in the meantime.
My DS on the other hand makes me laugh every day. I feel completely connected to him.
I'm excruciatingly aware my DD thinks he's the favourite, in some ways she's right but obviously admitting that is difficult. It so hard trying to include her in things when she stands on the sidelines sneering. I do try but I feel like I'm not getting it right a lot of the time.

I think there are parts of my children that I totally get- and other qualities I really don’t.... which I guess makes sense, and helps at times, but on other occasions it’s exasperating e.g eldest is a so kind and considerate- but a perfectionist which drives me mad at times. Youngest is loving and fun but once in awhile just does something mad out of the blue- so I can never relax. Love them both.

My Ds10 is my best friend and my favourite person to spend time with however I'm baffled by how little he cared when my nan and dad died, or how little he seems bothered about most things tbh. He just shrugs everything off and that is not me at all.

He's beautiful, funny and smart but I do worry that he's missing something which enables him to feel emotional about things that affect others, rather than just him. That may be his age too though.

His age, gerbil. My DS is very loving and very concerned when I'm upset or sick, but he wasn't too bothered about close family dying. They just weren't a huge part of his world the way they were a huge part of mine, I think.