Please can I have a handhold

[WhoisRebecca]

My 15 y old dd is being seen by CAMHS because of self harm/overdose. Her therapist suggested she may be autistic, so we are going through the diagnostic process now. She certainly seems to show many signs of ASD. Her emotional regulation is poor and she flies into rages if she cannot control everything. This makes it difficult to say no to her. She threatens to kill herself or run away. She’s very controlling about mealtimes and won’t eat with us. She then says there isn’t any food, when she’s got loads of snacks in that she normally likes. She refuses to take a pack lunch to school but refuses to spend the money on her dinner card. She calls me mad, or delusional, tells me to go kill myself. She can bring me to tears but doesn’t react at all. She says she hopes we both die in a car crash - when I’m driving and knowing I’m a nervous driver. It can be constant abuse but then sometimes she’ll act like nothing has happened.
She’s at her dad’s this weekend. He lives an hour away so he can’t have her full time and take her to school, plus his house is dirty and he lives in chaos tbh. She idolises him and says he’s better than me, so I can’t stop her going, plus I’m desperate for some respite.
I’m at my wit’s end. I’ve taken so much time off work for her, ferrying her to these CAMHS appointments and yesterday the appointment was abandoned because she refused to engage at all.
I’ve a job interview for my dream job next week and I’m thinking I might have to pull out because of dd - can I really cope?
The very extreme behaviour seems linked to periods - so I was thinking of speaking to the GP. We now have private healthcare from April so I was thinking a proper clinical assessment for her too - but not sure where to begin.
CAMHS suggested some support from early help as well - but I think the private route might be more flexible and allow me to continue my career (as selfish as that sounds). Please help. I feel absolutely awful and it does feel like an abusive relationship.

Taking her off social media will cause an almighty meltdown. I do need to pick my battles here. I have a dd 13 who is compliant and beautifully behaved. Dd 15 is not a typical teen and normal parenting strategies absolutely will not work with her.

Dd is 25 now. We have a fabulous relationship. She still has some difficulties but between her brother, her best friend and me we help her manage the behaviours, in the main. She recognises more regularly when she needs help and is learning to ask for it.
She didn’t initially engage with CAMHS but I kept making the appointment and taking her.
You are absolutely right about picking your battles, but equally for your own sanity, stand firm on abusive behaviours toward you and siblings.
I didn’t punish and I think that was right, they were behaviours over which she had little control, I did at appropriate times discuss hurtful and abusive behaviours.

Absolutely, I think I’ll disengage with abuse and she will lose pocket money at the weekend if she’s abusive. I won’t make an issue of it, it will just happen. If she’s late to school, her WiFi will go off earlier.

I’m going to be less available if she is unpleasant and I’ll use headphones in the car so she can’t abuse me. I think while she’s being abusive, that’s the behaviour I need to focus on.

I suspect school is overwhelming for her and I’m the easy target for her frustration.

I know it's a big age difference but sounds similar to my 7 year old. She has ASD, specifically Pathological Demand Avoidance- might be worth a google.

My daughter is very abusive towards me. Camhs last week said it was textbook PDA the way she treats me like a doormat.

I have looked up PDA before and it sounds very much like dd.

Is it really such a bad idea for her to go and stay with her dad for a bit? Give both of you a break. School holidays are coming up.

For the abusive behaviours, look up NVR - non-violent resistance. There's a fantastic group on Facebook led by a highly qualified and skilled practitioner - Sarah Fisher. She's on twitter too and has all sorts of info on her website.

I find her behaviour worse when she’s been to her dad’s. She’s unsettled when she returns.
Those resources are really good, @LewisFan, thank you.

Just saying I have ASD and my periods hit me like a train. All my usual coping strategies seem to stop working and I cannot handle my emotions in the week before.

Then when I come on, I have real issues with the physical feelings involved also (sensory issues) so overall it’s pretty stressful!

I have tried the pill/hormonal contraception in the past but find myself exceptionally sensitive to the hormones- they make me feel like a different person.

Please don’t underestimate the hormones/ASD potential combo.

Sounds very similar to my then 16yo DS - right down to the abuse on car trips.

I disengaged - went grey rock with the verbal abuse. Also cut right back on stuff I did for him, apart from the essentials of housing, feeding and educating. Took him to a psychologist (privately) to get strategies for dealing with him. He almost certainly has asd.

His dad and I split when he was 17 and DS now lives with him and is 18. He has matured a fair bit and is much more respectful, my boundaries are very firm in that I will ask him to leave at the slightest hint of disrespect.

Can I ask: was your ex abusive or disrespectful to you when you were together? Mine pushed on the kids that he earnt the money (I worked too?!), paid for everything and did everything round the house. He basically taught them to treat me like shit and him like the king.

best thing is do not react to what they say. they are showing emotions but do not know how to express them. talk to them afterwards, well after wards, if necessary but in a melt down they are operating on the emotional part of the brain. talking will not help.no use threatening punishments at this stage as it will just make it worse. physical soothing might help. (big hug, or quiet place alone.) It is ok to intervene physically if they are going to hurt themselves or someone else. (hoiking them back over the right side of the banisters, preventing them running into the road when having a meltdown)

try sunglasses and headphones for her for the car. probably having a change of routine meltdown/mega stress.

make sure hshe eats well. with whatever she will eat. be that cereal or whatever. keep the blood sugar up. make sure she is not too hot or cold or thirsty.

try relaxation activities daily. this reduces overall stress levels.
see if she can attend a mind group on anger. (not that helpful if they can not recognise any of the signals in their body though)

try a big hug.

for god's sake do not laugh, no matter how funny they look in melt down . this is a very bad thing. and can be expensive and hurt a lot. (autistic inappropriate reaction, is not well received by another autistic person in meltdown. oh no)

reduce sensory input.

routine. give time to decompress when she is back. send her to a quiet room with weighted blanket, snacks and whatever it is that calms her.

asd and periods. oh god yes. bloody awful pmt and heavy periods. the emotions are so overwhelming.

feed them. (glucose, sucrose and complex carbs) i imagined sliding the food in on one of those really long paddles used in old fashioned brick bread ovens. ) instead food is placed in front of them without asking what they want or saying anything when it is delivered.then retreat to a safe distance. gets eaten quicker that way and the meltdown passes quicker.

she behaves bad for you as you are her safe space. remember she is probably emotionally two thirds chronological age. definitely behind others.

reduce sensory input and challenges, and things she needs to do before and after going to dad's. be very gentle in preps before you go, giving her lots of space and quiet so that she will be less overwhelmed by the change of routine. do not plan anything for the day before or after. (eg shopping or dentist or visits etc) going places and getting ready to go places send me into meltdown quite easily. children are dispatched to their rooms while I pack. I need lots of sensory breaks.

pda is interesting as that fits the profile of mine. they are definitely autistic.

Some really good tips, thank you. Her dad was a drinker and gambler when we were together and I suspect he puts me down in front of dd.

I’ve been reading up on connective parenting and I’m going to try to use natural consequences.

She’s back from her dad’s and has been absolutely lovely. Chatty and kind and wanting to stay here next weekend.