Advice on depression and cocaine use.

[MadeForThis]

Hi

I'm posting for some advice on how to help my BIL. He is in his mid 30's and over the last few years it's become obvious he has serious issues with cocaine abuse. He also smokes marijuana. He won't admit how much but it's daily.

He is also severely depressed. He lost a baby this year due to TFMR, the relationship subsequently ended. She also was involved in recreational drugs. . He lives at home with PIL. He has his own business and works hard but never has any money ( drugs). He can spend days in bed as he sees no reason to get up, and can't face it. He won't talk to anyone about how he feels and refuses to speak to a GP or counsellor about the depression or drugs.

I'm asking for help as he seems so sad. He sees no positive things in his life. My DH, his brother is so caught up in the drugs angle that he can't see the danger in his depression. I'm terrified that he is at high risk of suicide.

How can we help?
I know he needs to want to help himself especially regarding the drugs but it's all so mixed up. Does he need help with drug abuse or depression, what comes first? It's obviously connected.
How do we make him see the positive things in his life?

This all came out in the last 6 months and nothing has changed. I'm worried we do nothing and it could be too late.

He is going to need high quality inpatient rehab. In a place like that, his addiction issues will be addressed alongside the underlying problems. Mental health services will not go near him until he's clean, so he has to address the drugs first. However, rehab does come with therapy, so chances are he will be able to make a lot of good process in rehab if he's really willing to make the change.

Ultimately neither you, nor your PILs nor your DH can do anything about this. It is up to your BIL and your BIL only to admit there is a problem and seek help.

I don't think he can see a life where he has stopped taking drugs. I know that to stop it has to come from him. Unfortunately he lives in a place where he is surrounded by friends who do the same. He has normalised it.

I cant envisage how he could leave rehab and not fall back into that life as it is all he has known and he has no friends who aren't involved to some extent. It's a very small village.

Is there any way to deal with the depression and the negativity? I know drugs and depression are linked but he needs to want to stop using, and while he is so depressed I can't see him trying to stop.

Several of his friends have died through drug and alcohol abuse but this hasn't scared him into stopping. The longer it goes on the more depressed he gets.

Losing the baby and his girlfriend have just made the situation worse. Before he knew he had a problem but he was functioning. Now I'm worried that he can't see a way out and he might do something final.

From my experience of people in addiction stopping the drugs has to come first. I'm part of a group of relatives of addicts - my late husband was an alcoholic. One of our members has an adult son who was an addict for 35 years. He used drugs to self medicate for severe anxiety. He was not able to address the anxiety until he was off the drugs. I don't see that there is another way. The weed especially will be keeping him lower than he needs to be, as will the comedown after he uses cocaine.

Anti depressants won’t be effective while he takes cocaine. And he can’t stop until he is motivated to try.
Maybe a first step might be a referral via his GP for talking therapies. Hopefully he’ll find a way forward and be able to take some decisions that help him move forward.

At the minute he is refusing to talk to anyone or even see the GP. I had hoped that antidepressants could help but after checking online he couldn't take them with cocaine.

He's stuck in a downward spiral and it's so hard to watch.

I had hoped that there was some way we could tackle the depression and that might give him the strength to deal with his drug problem.

Various family members have talked to him about stopping drugs and while he will sometimes admit that he has a problem he thinks that what he does is normal. And in a bad way it is normal for his friendship circle.

Everyone in the family has good careers and marriage and kids. He seems to think that we have no understanding of drugs so we just blame everything that is wrong in his life on drugs. He switches off. I had hoped that if we could give him the tools to help his depression he could start to want a better life for himself.

My biggest fear is that we sit back and wait for him to admit his problem and ask for help but he does something stupid instead.

Does he feel he has a problem? He doesn’t have to call that problem “addiction” or “depression” or “bereavement”. He can call it lack of motivation, being fed up, not finding pleasure in anything.... but if he can name a problem, and it’s affecting his life, he can access talking therapies if his GP is supportive (or forewarned!)

That's great advice. Thanks. He is very unhappy. He says that he can't be bothered to get out of bed. That he has nothing in his life. He works hard but has no money. Nothing to look forward to.

What prompted this post was that he said to my DH that he felt like buying a rope the other day. It was said as a joke and in front of a couple of people. But it scared me.

I don't think we have the luxury of waiting for him to want to walk away from drugs.

He is very reluctant to go to NA. He doesn't think that he has the same drug issues as "those people".

I'm not sure if we could get him to speak to the GP. There is so much about men's mental health about at the minute that he might see that it's ok to talk. And ok to not be ok.

If he can do anything to address his depression it might lead to an acceptance that the drugs are a problem too.

Thank you.