Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Male boss constantly touching my arm/shoulder?

30 replies

sdfhkzbgh · 19/03/2021 08:11

At work there was a shuffle and so as from Monday I have been in a new department with a new boss. I met him on Monday so have only worked with him for less than a week. For context I'm in my 20s.

He is constantly finding excuses to touch my arm/hands, e.g. to demonstrate something he will grab my hand to show me which is completely unnecessary. He also touches my shoulder and arm whenever he is talking to me and he winks a lot. I have a lot of young female colleagues and he does it to them too. I saw him pat a a male colleague on the shoulder too though so I'm not sure if it's that he just doesn't realise people don't want to be touched but I think there is a difference between a quick pat on the shoulder and rubbing your hand down someone's arm?

I don't know whether I'm being over the top about it but I don't really want him touching me or winking at me. I don't think it's done with any ill intent I just think he doesn't realise the boundaries of a workplace and thinks he's just being friendly.

Can I ask for your opinions on this situation? I've never really experienced this kind of thing at work before. Am I being a little OTT to be concerned?

OP posts:
MyCatHatesOtherCats · 19/03/2021 08:14

No, you’re not. He shouldn’t be touching you at all. He shouldn’t be touching anyone anyway in view of Covid, but it sounds really off. In your position, I’d say something -“please don’t touch me” - every time he touches you. Rubbing his hand up and down your arm is just icky.

This is even more icky in terms of recent news stories and heightened awareness about what women have to put up with generally. You shouldn’t have to put up with this sort of thing at work.

Sexnotgender · 19/03/2021 08:14

If he continues to do it please report to HR. I wouldn’t feel comfortable asking him to stop, it’ll likely get minimised.

Spillanelle · 19/03/2021 08:22

Ugh, that gross, why would he do that. If you feel confident enough to ask him to stop then do, otherwise have a chat to a senior manager or someone in HR. I’m HR, we’re used to having awkward conversations with people, they should be able to take him to one side and talk to him about appropriate behaviour in the workplace. And it’ll be good for them to have a record of this so that if anything happens again it’ll be clear that it’s a pattern of behaviour and they can deal with it more firmly.

IrenetheQuaint · 19/03/2021 08:24

Ugh! Absolutely fine to say "would you mind not touching me?"

Is there not a 2m distancing requirement in your workplace due to Covid anyway?

GameofPhones · 19/03/2021 08:26

What a creep. He needs to be stopped. Covid gives the perfect pretext to complain about it without too much bad feeling.

Original poster
sdfhkzbgh · 19/03/2021 08:34

There's no social distancing in my workplace due to the nature of the job but we all wear masks.

I've seen him do it with multiple female colleagues so I'm surprised nobody else has reported it before? I feel like because he does it all the time if I said "please don't touch me" it would draw a lot of attention to me as my other colleagues just seem to tolerate it. I don't know my female colleagues well enough but I wish I could find out how they feel about it and whether they also find it inappropriate.

OP posts:
wizzywig · 19/03/2021 08:37

It'd be interesting if he does the male eye rolling 'women, what are they like?' were you to tell to back the hell off. I'd be scared to do it, but honestly it's (unfortunately) a life lesson

squashyhat · 19/03/2021 08:38

It doesn't matter what anyone else feels about it. You are uncomfortable with it, he shouldn't be doing it, so tell him so. Jerk your arm away every time he does it and tell him firmly go stop.

wizzywig · 19/03/2021 08:40

Actually op, I reread your post. Group dynamics could be an important thing here. They may well be wanting to say something, but feel others wouldn't support them. Just because everyone is accepting this, doesn't mean you should feel you need to

thedevilinablackdress · 19/03/2021 08:41

It doesn't matter what other people think about it. It's enough that YOU don't want to be touched.
One option:
Pull your hand away or jump as if you've got a fright next time. If he says anything, just say "oh, I don't like people touching me unexpectedly, thanks" Big fake smile.

Asparaguspatchkid · 19/03/2021 08:41

I wonder if he's read The One Minute Manager or another management book like that. It talks about touching employees on the shoulder when giving praise to make them feel appreciated, bit the book is quite old now and not really the done thing anymore. Or perhaps he's just a tactile person... Or perhaps he's a creep.

Could you have a polite conversation with him and say "I'm appreciate it's a gesture of caring, but I'm not one for being tactilw with colleagues and it makes me uncomfortable. Nothing personal, just the way I feel. Would you mind not touching my arms and hands?" If he continues then absolutely report to HR.

Wearywithteens · 19/03/2021 08:42

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Soontobe60 · 19/03/2021 08:45

I’d make sure the next time he does it I’d loudly tell him to keep his hands to himself, and make sure there are witnesses.

raspberrymuffin · 19/03/2021 08:45

I have a touchy feely back slappy colleague. I don't think he does it to be creepy because the one time he did it to me I tensed up and pulled a horrified face without even thinking about it, and he's not done it since. So can I suggest that if you don't feel able to say "don't touch me" you could try making it clear through body language? If he keeps doing it after that or makes any comment about it, then I think you're clear to go to HR because he clearly needs to be told to pack it in by someone with authority.

Usagi12 · 19/03/2021 08:46

Go and speak to HR and tell them what you've said here. Explain you understand he may well just be a tactile person who doesn't understand how it makes people feel. Ask they speak with him but not mention your name. We had a manager who did this (no nefarious intentions) who was surprised when a grievance for sexual harassment was made despite having been warned. He too did it to men and women and was just who he was.

IcelandThree · 19/03/2021 08:47

Just ask him not to, if it's then an issue go to HR.

I had a boss that did this, though just shoulder touch and winking, grabbing my hand would have been weird. It was just his way of connecting, he wasn't a pig etc, he did it to the men too.

KitchenFairy · 19/03/2021 08:52

You just need to pull your hand away and firmly say - “could you stop touching me please”.

I know it’s scary, (I did it myself on a train once, though I appreciate it’s different to a workplace) but honestly, the sky won’t fall in, and you’ll find several of your female colleagues will follow your lead or mention it to you in a “thank God someone said something to him” kind of way.

If you’re don’t feel able to say something yourself then you must speak to HR. As a PP said they should be used to having awkward conversations, they will have to deal with it.

Seatime · 19/03/2021 08:52

He is legally not allowed to touch you, it is harassment. Look up the laws to clarify your rights. Say to him, politely, please don't touch me. I know it's awkward, because, he has made it so. Speak privately to other staff, try to build some alliances. I feel annoyed because he is abusing his power.

Usagi12 · 19/03/2021 08:54

Tbh in these days of Covid he shouldn't be touching anyone. You can always write an anonymous letter if you're unsure about raising it formally but some HR departments won't act on anonymous information. However as you say he does it to everyone so I'd be surprised if he's not already on their radar so they may take action to investigate.

MyMajesty · 19/03/2021 09:01

Probably most, or all, of the other staff feel the same as you but think they're the only one who minds.
You need to tell him to stop touching you. Does your workplace have HR to help you if he doesn't stop?

Ikora · 19/03/2021 09:23

I had this in a voluntary job I did. He was an older chap retired and a pillar of the community type. I told him on three separate occasions to stop. In the end I put in a formal complaint to the safe guarding officer. We worked with very vulnerable people and I also noticed he only did it to the younger women.

Your boss is a creep say something, be very clear I said do not touch but he carried on. What I found really disturbing was how acceptable some of the other women found it, sort of oh it’s just his way.

Branleuse · 19/03/2021 11:05

is there not some exageraated response you could do when he touches you

WishingHopingThinkingPraying · 19/03/2021 11:29

Either tell HR to get the message across.

Or tell him clearly. -please don't touch me.

Or if it's that kind of atmosphere, tell him in a pleasant but firm way. -Steve, enough of the touchy feely ness! You're freaking me out.

Any should get the message across but depends on the tone you want.

GameofPhones · 19/03/2021 11:52

My boss put his arm round my shoulders once and I surprised myself by reacting 'Oh, don't do that!' (I'm not normally very assertive). It was just my instinctive response. He apologised immediately and never did it again. Could you do something like that? Although I think it would be better to join with the other women and get a collective response to the issue. It needs dealing with.

EarringsandLipstick · 19/03/2021 11:53

There's no social distancing in my workplace due to the nature of the job but we all wear masks.

What kind of job do you do that there's no social distancing? I understand there might not be for specific tasks. But otherwise, you should be socially distancing.

Regarding the contact, I'm surprised that the first time he did it that you didn't react, as in an automatic reaction of shock / surprise. I don't mean that in a blaming way.

As PP have said, you need to tell him to stop. It can be clear & straight-forward, just 'please don't touch me like that'.