Please could I have a handhold and some words of wisdom?

[WhenYourLifeDependsOnIt]

Nothing original here, just another new mum struggling. Posting on here in the hope of getting some words of support from those who've been through it and also perhaps some tips?

I only have one baby, he's 9 months and just started crawling and pulling himself up and being very interested and nosey at everything. I know others have two or more DC and this is nothing, but I've been struggling past few weeks. I'm tired all the time (he's had a sleep regression) and struggling with the Covid situation of no groups or anyone else to see. We don't have family close and so baby hasn't ever socialised with anyone. We are just in our small city flat all day with a walk. It was hard enough when he was littler, but now he's on the move I'm honestly so tired. I don't know what to do with him all day. How do I get things done? Also, and I feel like a terrible mum saying it, but I've stopped enjoying being a mum as much. Before when he could sit up but not move around I enjoyed playing with him and reading stories as well as leaving him safely next to me whilst I folded laundry or whatever. Now everything's such hard work. He grabs everything, and I'm tired of it. I know it's normal. I know it's only going to get worse for the next few years. He's a stubborn little fellow, won't be fed and knows what he wants, which I love about him but it's hard. I never take it out on him and I love him dearly, but I wish I could enjoy it more. I find myself wishing for his nap time. I am tired of having my hair pulled at every opportunity and having to monitor everything in case he grabs things even though I thought I had baby proofed my home. DH is busy wfh until late so there's limited space, and come baby's bedtime I'm so relieved he's down that I just flop on the sofa and drink a glass of wine. I've no energy left to do anything at all for me, let alone any chores. Sometimes I'm sat there ready to cry. This can't be it.

I know this is not special or unique and as I said, those with more than 1 DC have it so much harder. I take my hat off to them. But I'm new to this, I'm an older mum and I'm suddenly finding it all quite depressing.

Please please offer me some words of hope? Do you have any tips for how I can get through the day? What do you do with toddlers all day anyway? After we've been vaccinated I am thinking of looking for a nursery for a couple of half days just to give me a break- would that work? What else can I do? My job has gone due to Covid. I'm v v lucky we can afford to get along in the meantime but it means I'm going to be a full time mum for the foreseeable until things are clearer.

I love my son and don't want to feel like this. I want to love every second being with him but I just so tired.

Bump

Holding your hand. I cannot imagine how difficult it must be to look after an active baby during lockdown. Mine was full-on at that age, really hard to entertain - a lot of CBeebies was watched, even though I swore I'd never do that I used to try and get him to 'help' when I had jobs to do around the house though - he loved flapping a duster around! I was an older mum too and very isolated. We have no family living locally and I have health problems that mean I can't drive and made it impossible to get to groups, and DH works long hours, so I really do sympathise!

I'm trying to remember what toys and activities kept him entertained (he's nearly 14 now so it's been a while...). I had a travel cot set up in a corner that I could plonk him in while I went to the loo to keep him out of the way of the dogs, and he could sometimes be persuaded to hang out in there for a few minutes with some big plastic ELC cotton-reels and buttons, and he loved cars and tractors from a very early age so we spent a lot of time playing with those.

Absolutely look for a nursery when you can - mine went for two mornings a week and it saved my sanity!

Ah OP it’s really really tough. 9 months is a hard age. It gets easier when they can walk because you can spend more time out and about at playgrounds.

I’ve got 3 (youngest is 16 months) and although it’s chaos I actually think having just one is much harder. With siblings they entertain each other and you are distracted by the older ones so the days don’t seem quite as long.

Also the pandemic has made parenting babies and small children so much tougher. When my eldest children were babies, we spent our days at baby groups, cafes with friends, the library, swimming pool, soft play, singing classes etc. Having somewhere to go every day, where there’d be coffee and adult conversation and the little one can make a mess somewhere that’s not your home..... I miss it SO much. Then with any luck the baby is exhausted and has a lovely long nap while you potter around.

If the roadmap goes ahead preschool groups should be allowed from the 12 April which isn’t long to go now. But in the meantime it’s no wonder you feel exhausted and depressed, because this situation is rubbish and I think especially hard for first time mums. (Another advantage of having 3 is that I had a chance to build a network of mum friends with my first 2 that I can hang out with in parks and playgrounds and that has been life saving in these lonely pandemic days. To be honest I get bored at playgrounds VERY quickly if I don’t have a friend there to chat to!).

I think the nursery idea is a good one for some sanity and a break. I’m at stay at home mum and my 3 year old is at nursery and the baby has just started at the childminder one morning a week, it just gives me some breathing space and my mental well-being is so much better for it. We’re not vaccinated yet, but we’re low risk so to us it’s worth it! Thankfully we’ve been covid free so far though I do know several families who’ve caught it from nursery, so it’s a very individual choice and I can see why you’d want to wait.

Also I agree with pp who said don’t feel bad about CBeebies! I was really strict with my eldest, gave up with the second two and there’s no difference in their development as far as I can tell! In fact I’m writing this while they all watch Sarah and Duck though I’m a minute I’m going to peel the little one off my lap and start cooking dinner.

Also does your husband know how you feel? Can he make prioritise eating lunch with you so that you have some adult conversation during the day? It’s so so hard. Don’t be harsh on yourself for not enjoying every second.

Baby proof the necessary but relax a bit on everything else. One of my DD's at that age used to love pulling ALL the dvds off the shelves. I used to let her then we'd play a game of putting them back together.

Also get one of those bubble machines, I think they're about a fiver. Set it going then relax as your DS tries catching them & crawling round after them. I used to get a good 20 minute sit down out of ours!

OP, babies a bloody hard work!! You think you've cracked it and then they start with something new! The not being able to turn your back stage is hard.

But... Spring is on the way, you'll be able to get out and about a lot more soon - in just a couple of weeks you can meet a group outside. Do you have a virtual group of other mums - can you make a plan with them to meet up as soon as we're allowed? Might be worth finding our from your HV or baby clinic if they know of any outdoor groups likely to get going in the near future.

Do you have a sit in walker/activity center? I'm not sure of they're the thing anymore but they can be quite good for containing bubba and keeping them busy.

I know your DH is working but could he stop for just a half hour lunch so you can hide in your room for a little bit during the day (and not at nap time - which by the way is completely normal to long for every. single. day).

If all else fails remember the mum mantra "it's just a phase, it's just a phase"

My heart goes out to all the little ones and their parents during this pandemic. You honestly deserve a medal. It's hard enough as it is, but with places shut, it probably feels like you're on a treadmill and can't get off. My son is early 30s now but I remember feeling a bit like you, is this it , etc. I was diagnosed with pnd. Would a chat to hv or gp help ? I remember getting mine in his trolley and walking for hours. But I also had playgroups etc, which you don't have atm.
It will get better, easier. Hang on in there.

Thanks so much everyone, I really appreciate the support and hearing your experiences. It feels better knowing I'm not alone in feeling like this! It's a good idea about lunch - I'll ask DH.

To be honest I've sort of stopped even looking ahead to the roadmap and when things are open. I'm looking forward to a haircut but I've not looked into local groups, because ever since he was born there's been nothing so I'm unaccustomed to doing activities or groups. But you are right that if they do indeed start up in April it's not long to go. I will try to find some time to have a look into what's on. I don't mind travelling out of my local area to get into an outside group if needs be.

I'm nervous about the nursery idea due to pandemic and also he literally has only ever met me and my DH and the nurses at the hospital. Even health visitor just did a couple of phone calls due to Covid. So apart from seeing people walking past on our walks he's never met another person or baby. Will nurseries take this into account I'm wondering? I feel like he would need an adjustment phase and I wouldn't feel ready to just drop him off, even though in normal times I know they don't want parents lingering. Again I'll have to investigate. It's a Busy Bees nursery.

That's helpful to know that once walking in some ways it gets easier. I preferred it when he couldn't crawl, which sounds awful. I need a rest too, but hopefully when we can go to groups it will help me feel more supported.

Thank you again.