Families: Why do some have lots, and others not many?

[Babyboomtastic]

Just something I was musing on...

I was thinking about marriages and divorces, and how (in my experience at least), some families have lots of divorces, and others very few. Is that other people's experience too, and if so, why do you think that is? Does coming from a home with parents that stayed together make it more likely that is what you'll provide for your own children?

Obviously, I know I'm generalising, as there is no guarantee of success or failure in any marriage. And also, sometimes staying in a marriage/relationship isn't a good thing to do, so I don't think that staying necessarily promotes a healthy view on relationships either. But is there a general pattern?

In my family, both myself and my siblings are married, and have been/in the relationship for 15+ years. On my mothers side, all of her relatives going back to her aunts (so my great aunts) and their children, and their children (which are in their 30's-40's) who have married, have stayed married. We have had one divorce in that entire side of the family - my great aunts daughter, whose husband had an affair and he left her, about 40 years ago. She has since happily remarried.

On my fathers side, I know less, but my dad's siblings are all married, no divorces, and their children that I know (the family isn't particularly close) married and remained married.

In contrast, the royal family (for example, just as its one everyone knows) the queen had 4 children, 3 of which divorced, her sister divorced etc. I've also got many friends where a very large number of the marriages in the family have broken up.

Does seeing parents in a happy marriage and be able to work things through give a child the tools they need in the future to better help them do this? Does seeing a parent brave enough to say 'enough is enough' and manage on their own make a child more likely to do the same if they are unhappy?

I'm not sure...some of it might be cultural, I'm Italian and know very few Italian divorced people, in my extended family the only person I can think of who remarried was a widower. I think it is still a bit taboo.

My mum and dad are happily married for going on for 34 years, I have no idea about other people though - my relatives all seem happy enough but you can never really know.

Daily Mail short on content?

I don't know.

My parents and their siblings married late 50s - mid 70s so were probably the first generation to take advantage of the easing of the divorce laws, while still having been expected to get married in the first place.

All four of my father's siblings subsequently divorced, more-or-less acrimoniously. Two had second marriages, which lasted till death. Three of my mother's four married siblings got divorced, though only one had children. They all married again: one now widowed, one divorced again, one still together.

Of the cousins from those marriages, I know that three have been divorced; two still with first spouse (since 1984 and 2000); another two still with first more-recent spouse; a couple unmarried but still with co-parent. The most-acrimonious-divorce cousin I have very little knowledge of but am aware of at least one child, who has his unmarried mother's surname.

The cousins from the lasting marriage, and from the lasting second, are so far as I know all still with their first spouse / co-parent. As are - as yet - my (4) siblings and I.

It was when I realised that five of those seven divorced aunts and uncles had got married because of a pregnancy that I began to understand my dad's stance on teenage relationships

@Nohomemadecandles

Uh no..
I'm a regular user 🙄

I was just thinking about it when realising my parents 50th wedding anniversary is coming up.

Historically for my mum's side, it's probably a religious (pretty conservative Christianity)/cultural thing, but mostly it's just the older members of the family (mostly deceased) that were religious, and their children, and their children are generally not. My dad's side is not at all religious.

This isn't any form of judgement thing that divorce breeds divorce or anything, and as I've said, divorce is preferable to an unhappy marriage.

In my family - my side doesn't have divorces. I guess we have seen long relationships modelled from an early age, with sticking through difficult periods being expected and also my parents telling us about not to commit to marriage with
someone without having been with them for several years to ensure you were compatible.

The other side of the family have many divorces. They were encouraged more to enjoy the romance of early engagements, and get married after a couple of years if they felt it was right. everyone likes a celebration. After all they could divorce if things didn't work out

My family has a lot of divorce/break ups. As a child it was just me and my mum until she found the next man (3 marriages before she was 30) and I witnessed a lot of her heartache. It’s odd because she’s very independent and had a brilliant career, just seemed to need a man in her life at all times.

It’s made me so determined to be 100% sure about the person I marry. It’s definitely not something I plan to enter into lightly.

Irish catholic here so very few divorces/remarriages in the wider family- divorce wasn't even legal here until the late 90's 😳 however my siblings and I are the outliers, we grew up as expats abroad so seem to have a different outlook, myself and my 2 sisters are all divorced - we live in Italy, the US and ireland and our brother is in a relationship with a divorced women and is a step dad to her children....we had an arsehole of a dad and I hated that my mum stayed with him, as soon as we hit trouble I was out of there, life is too short and frankly I've never cared about anyone's else's opinion....lots seem to worry about what the 'neighbours' will think etc

My parents will be 50 years married next year. They'll celebrate, people will tell them how amazing that is. "Your mum and dad are amazing!"
The reality is that it's not remotely amazing. They have fought, verbally and physically. Constantly, but not so much now they are old and just ignore each other. Mostly drunken over the years. Accused each other of affairs. Tried to control each other, tried to remove any joy from my life whenever they had the chance. They judge fucking everyone, but from the outside, well massive fakery.
Divorce would have been the biggest gift they could give each other.

Theirs is a broken home in the truest sense.
I always find it weird that is only attributed to divorces, not people too cowardly to go it alone.
They stayed together, I assume, because they judge everyone else who doesn't.

My parents and all my aunt's, uncles, cousins etc are married. Happily it seems. Don't know of any divorces at all. But my family including extended family, are all respectful to each other and have very firm boundaries on behaviour. Don't know of any drink problems and certainly no drugs. Everyone is financially comfortable and supportive of each other. I'm sure not everyone is an angel but if my parents and their relationship are anything to go by, nobody is hiding anything.

Interesting. Very few divorces in my family (though my husband was divorced before I met him after a brief unsuccessful marriage). Two of my grandmother's siblings divorced in the 1940s and that was considered a great scandal and source of family shame.

My parents have been married 54 years, are very religious and disapproving of divorce. I think that had quite a lot of influence on me that marriage was a very serious thing and something I must "get right" if I did it. My parents also have a very traditional marriage where the woman serves and obeys the man. My mum moans about people getting divorced because they "aren't willing to try hard enough" but she usually means the woman isn't willing to try. This also had an effect on me. Even as a little girl I decided I was unlikely to get married because I didn't want to be a slave to some bloke and if I did marry I was going to choose very, very carefully and I would rather stay single than compromise.

I suppose those factors may have helped. I did choose carefully and have a very fair and equal marriage that has lasted 21 years (together 26 years). I had other relationships before, some that lasted quite a long time but which I knew were not the right husband material for me. I would never have purchased a property or had a child with anyone I wasn't planning to marry, as there didn't seem to be any point forming other sorts of legal/permanent ties.

I hope this doesn't sound smug. I appreciate it sounds very cold and logical but it has worked for me. I have seen friends sleepwalk into having children/getting married to people who really don't seem right because they are swept up in romance and impulse. There does also seem to be a correlation; friends with divorced parents do seem more likely to divorce themselves or not marry in the first place. I suppose in their position they are less likely to see marriage as estimable or a permanent state.

My mum is one of ten, the cousins all have at least three kids. At least.

Dh is one of two, there are two cousins won't be anymore.

Extrapolate that, 50 cousins minimum.

Interesting Q, and I don’t think my family will help much.

I am a child of my father’s second marriage.
He had two children from each marriage.
Of each pair of full siblings, 1 has been married for 20+ years, and 1 has been divorced at least once.

DH's family is very stable. He's one of 5 and while there were cultural issues with divorce growing up, I think they are all genuinely stable relationships of people living well together.

My family is much more messy. There was a divorce and blended family way back, and the next generation have been slow to settle. No divorces, but one marriage is not the happiest and hasn't been for years and they more live like housemates. One had a LTR that was complex before finally settling and marrying in a much more stable relationship. One in the gay community growing up long before Civil Partnerships/ Marriage were viable. I'm the odd one out for settling down relatively young in one relatuonship and marrying several years down the line.

But long marriage for the sake of it is not always a virtue. Unhappy marriages can exist through the years.

Equally healrhy relationships can set a good template for healthy relationships. So many posts over the years where the parental relationship was poor and an OP has unhealthy boundaries through theirs.

The Atlantic: How Successful Are the Marriages of People With Divorced Parents? Marital instability can be inherited—but less often than it used to be

Interesting ideas here but yes it is something I've noticed I think there are probbaly as many reasons as there are families.