DH thinks I'm selfish not sending 2 year old to nursery

[hogu]

I tried for a baby for 20 years before finally getting my DS. I always said I'd leave work and keep baby at home until school.

As it happens I've actually started a business at home that I do in the evenings and I'm earning as much as when I went to work full time.

However DH thinks DS would be better off at nursery instead of at home with me.

What do others think about this?

It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks about it, it’s between you and your DH. If you want your child at home with you until they start nursery at 3 (or preschool if you’re in England?) then that’s your choice. It won’t harm him or hold him back, if he’s stimulated enough at home then keep him there.

YANBU. School age nursery is soon enough to send him unless you need the childcare.

Though, is the reason your DH wants your DS in nursery because it means you can work during the day and spend time with your family in the evening? If you’re not getting any time with your DH then I can understand his reasons - but my point still stands that it’s something you and your DH need to discuss together.

Yes. What is your DHs reasoning behind this?

@CatsHairEverywhere

Though, is the reason your DH wants your DS in nursery because it means you can work during the day and spend time with your family in the evening? If you’re not getting any time with your DH then I can understand his reasons - but my point still stands that it’s something you and your DH need to discuss together.

I was going to say the same thing. Is it sustainable to care for your child all day and then work in the evenings, long term?

Personally I think some experience of a more formal setting is beneficial before starting school full time, but it’s not essential. I’d consider using some of your free hours to allow him to attend preschool for a couple of sessions a week after the age of 3. Particularly after this last year with limited social interaction opportunities I think it would be beneficial to build social skills and independence.

But until then I think it’s fine.

Is your DH’s concern he gets no time with you if you’re working evenings?

I don’t think you’re wrong necessarily- your child won’t know any different.

BUT I do think giving children the experience of nursery is a good thing.

You’re lucky that you wouldn’t need full time or anything but how about a compromise from say 3 years old 1 or 2 days a week?

There have been a fair few studies which show children who attend early learning educational settings from 3ish tend to be more developmentally advanced that those who did not.

It’s lovely that you get to have everyday with your child but what is that time? Is it quality time? Imagination play? Crafts / sensory play? Any exposure to other children to learn those important social cues - empathy / sharing etc etc.

Compromise could be the right thing here? You have the luxury of choice and you’d be entitled to some hours from the age of 3 as well.

My kids didn’t go to nursery until they were 3, when they went part time. I wanted them to go then for reasons people have given above.

I think a couple of mornings/afternoons in nursery would be great for his social development, but it's not necessary as such. Personally I would send him for a couple of sessions a week so it's not such a shock for him when he does start school. What exactly is your husband's reasoning though? Congratulations on having your son, 20 years was a long time to wait, but I'm sure he was worth it x

Nursery can be good for a lot of children (not all children). They did stuff there I would never think of doing at home (the messy play and craft stuff, forest school etc).

What exactly is your DHs thought process? Worried about lack of socialisation? (Especially if there isn't the opportunity for toddler groups?) Different experiences? Wants to give you a 'break'?

Whatever you decide, do it for your child, not you... Missing him isn't a good reason to not let him go. If you don't think he's ready or needs it yet, don't feel guilty. If you are worried about Covid, that's acceptable.

(Mine went two mornings a week from 16 months and 20months. I used the time to get housework done, or to have 1-1 with the other child, or medical appointments etc. Then had more time to concentrate on them when they were home.)

So you are at home all day with your toddler and then work in the evenings? If you’re happy then that’s all that matters, but I’m a sahm (and I don’t work in the evenings) and my 2 kids have both done a couple of mornings a week at nursery from around age 2. Increasing as they get older.

For me I just needed a break from them. They love nursery and it seems to be good for them, but yes I did it for me as I could afford it. Those 3 hours to myself twice a week kept me sane. I definitely didn’t feel like I missed out on any bonding as I spent the rest of the week mon-fri 8-6 with them.

I personally think a few sessions a week at nursery/playschool/child minder is really beneficial to both parents &.kids. There is some compromise to me made here, dads wishes & opions are just as valid as yours

I've actually put him down for a few mornings from the age of 3. He's really worried about other kids since lockdown 1 so once toddler classes can begin I'm going to start to take him to a few every week to get him used to other kids again, then I'll feel more confident about sending him to nursery when it won't be quite so traumatic. 'If' that's what we decide at the time

Going to nursery isn't "traumatic"

It's fun, and good for them to socialise and play!

From your last post I suspect your DH is coming from a place where he sees you are being a bit overbearing with your son and possibly wrapping him in cotton wool a bit?

@candarelinthemorning I never said nursery was traumatic, my son is petrified of other kids at the moment so dropping in at the deep end would be traumatic. Perhaps read my last post to save me typing it again.
Thanks so the input though!

I think it's fine not to send him now but would send him for a few mornings using the free funding at 3.
I think this really makes the transition to school much easier.

I think that makes sense OP. Whatever you do now, you know at the age of 4?he’ll be spending 6+ hours a day away from you in the company of 20-30 other children and expected to follow instructions from others. Easing them into that will make the transition much easier.

I never bothered sending mine until I got the 3 year funding and then it was just a couple of morning sessions a week purely to just socialise with other children and get more of a routine in place ready for school. Saying that I started my youngest DD doing the same and she ended up loving it so much I've just extended her 2 morning sessions so she has lunch there with her friends now too and she's doing brilliant. That for us works perfect as I've got the rest of the week with her at home with me but she's able to have a chance to interact with others without me there. I was really against sending them both initially as I think I felt guilty about it when I knew I was at home anyway but it's the best thing could of done for them.

Both mine really benefited from it, as throughout lockdown my DD became very clingy and socially awkward around other adults and children and now her being at Nursery I've seen a massive change to that.

Mine are adults now but both of them started playgroup at 3 and nursery at 4 in the mornings only.
Prior to that they went to toddler groups and coffees with me.
They are very sociable and well rounded adults so I don't think it has affected them by not being separated from me sooner.
Do what you and dh decide is best.

My eldest started a few afternoons of preschool a week last September at age 3. Before that he was at home with me and his younger brother. I had a lot of comments from people telling me I’d have to put him into nursery (since he was a baby) to socialise him. I thought it was absolute nonsense as he was happy at home with me and I took him to a few groups (pre COVID). From age 3 I noticed him become more interested in other children and signed him up for preschool. He loves it and it is great for him. He is very happy, sociable and makes friends easily. He certainly hasn’t been damaged from not going to nursery like a lot of people told me he would be. If I’d sent him before 3 I don’t think he’d have been ready and I’ve loved the years I’ve had at home with him.

If your son is petrified of other kids then it sounds as of he would benefit from some form of socialisation. Perhaps this is where your DH is coming from. My ds is almost 2 and goes to nursery 2 mornings a week and loves it. I feel sorry for him spending every waking minute with me and prefer he has more variety.

It sounds like you have a good plan, there’s no point paying for nursery unless you need to. I would go for a couple of groups to build his confidence in social settings and then start a preschool sessions twice a week.

Mine were at nursery at 4 months 3 days a week because I needed to work so it's just how it was rather than a conscious decision to send them. I have always thought that the government must have done a huge amount of research into the benefits of funding the 15 hours of pre school for 3 year olds- let's face it they don't spend money willingly so there must be some fairly solid benefits for them to pay for it for the vast majority of children. On that basis even if I wasn't working I would send the DC to preschool from 3.

I really think it depends on the child. Some of my children developed important skills at nursery but for others, it would have been hell for them. They're just little people. Some of us love a crowded, busy environment and others will always hate it. When you're very small, there's no point doing something you hate.

It's not great when your DH starts throwing words like selfish around, especially when you are actually putting in a lot of work and love when caring for your DS. Maybe he needs to think about how communicates and treat his wife with a bit of respect and empathy.