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Original poster

How to deal with tantrumming disrespectful 8 year old?

18 replies

Pegg · 17/03/2021 16:11

My DD has always been such a lovely well behaved girl. The last few weeks she has become quite disrespectful/ highly emotional when told "no" and because it's behaviour I've not dealt with before I'm not sure how to deal with it.

Today DD wanted to go to the corner shop with her friend on the way home from school. I said no because we didn't have time. In front of her friend and her mum DD started crying/ screaming and telling me how unfair I am being. She also said that she would hide my Ipad if I didn't let her go to the shop. She's now home and in her bedroom I have asked her to think about her behaviour. But this is the 3rd/ 4th time in as many weeks and I'm a bit lost on what to do now.

OP posts:
AlexaShutUp · 17/03/2021 16:14

Hmm, I'd be concerned if this isn't her usual behaviour. Sounds like something is worrying her. You need to get to the bottom of that, I think.

AlexaShutUp · 17/03/2021 16:16

Sorry, that wasn't very helpful. Can you have a chat with her to see if you can identity any worries? Has anything changed in her routine? Any problems in school?

I'd tread carefully and not rush to punish her for the behaviour. It sounds like she is struggling with something.

BogRollBOGOF · 17/03/2021 16:19

Is she struggling with a transition of home/ school and routine change. My 8yo becomes much more stroppy, rude and argumentative during lockdown because his social needs can't be met. My 10yo is currently having more sensory meltdowns as he adjusts back to busyier environments.
They've had a huge amount of inconsistency in the past year.

I address the behaviour at the time. At a calmer time, I then discuss the emotions.

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8 year olds Families
Original poster
Pegg · 17/03/2021 16:27

We've discussed her emotions etc at length and I have spoken to her teachers. Lockdown was hard for her but no issues in school or with her friends. I just don't know what to do. I feel like I'm failing at parenting her Sad

OP posts:
AlexaShutUp · 17/03/2021 16:30

I'm sure you're not failing, OP. It could just be a phase, but I understand your concern.

Have you asked her why she thinks it's happening?

1WayOrAnother2 · 17/03/2021 16:34

You are not a bad parent. (Or everyone is!)

One of mine gets 'hangry' and finds it hard to control emotions when needing food. (After school was often one of the low points!)

If you feel the tantrum is more deliberate (we did have an experience manipulator too) you might think about what your DC gains from it. What are they trying to do? What is missing in life?

It would be best if the reward (additional attention etc.) they are seeking was not given in response to the behaviour but it probably does need to be addressed in some way.

Original poster
Pegg · 17/03/2021 16:35

She says when she gets angry or sad it's like she can't stop it coming out. And that she knows she's acting babyish and she was embarrassed by her own behaviour earlier but she couldn't stop it. She just comes across as such an unpleasant and spoilt child during these outbursts and she's not like that at all.

OP posts:
LetterFromLorah · 17/03/2021 16:36

This is just a thought but is it possible she's on the verge of puberty? Hormones starting to kick in?

Thesearmsofmine · 17/03/2021 16:37

If this is unusual behaviour for her I would try to get to root cause and solve that. It sounds like she doesn’t know how to cope with big feelings so maybe look at ways to help her do that? It has been such a weird year for everyone, so much change and it is hard for adults to cope with their feelings let alone children.

Original poster
Pegg · 17/03/2021 16:37

I don't think it's manipulative I think it's a complete lack of control over emotions. She fell off her bike yesterday and grazed her forehead. She screamed/ shrieked/ cried for ages and wouldn't be calmed down. It's awful

OP posts:
SummerHouse · 17/03/2021 16:39

As far as I can see you have aced it. She behaved badly but didn't get her way as a result. What more can any parent do? Just calmly hold firm. Yes, something might be bothering her, hungry, tired, hormonal, life in general, but these things don't excuse us.

Finfintytint · 17/03/2021 16:41

I think they start to want more freedom at that age and test boundaries. Going to the shop with her friend can be a big thing to be trusted to do together. They’ve spent so long confined to the house and without much social interaction, I’m not surprised she is probably feeling frustrated and limited for no good reason ( in her mind).

( I sometimes have an internal mental tantrum when Nicola Sturgeon continues to curtail my freedom Smile).

Maybe allow her a few opportunities to be independent.

misselphaba · 17/03/2021 16:53

Could she be tired from the return to school?

I'd honestly just keep doing what you're doing and giving her lots of language to express how she's feeling. Narrate how you think she might be feeling. It doesn't matter if it's wrong. My 8 year old hates it and I have to agree it is annoying having someone doing that when you're upset so I have to tread carefully!

It's not an overnight fix but there isn't one. It's developmentally normal for children to have periods where they find it more difficult to regulate their emotions. Talking though the process that you use to calm yourself when you're feeling upset can be helpful. It's helpful for children to hear the strategies other people use and they can use these themselves. When she's having a good day, you could talk about some things to try next time she's feeling upset.

Over time, this process will become internalised and children don't need as much help as they can regulate themselves independently through talking themselves through it.

DonLewis · 17/03/2021 16:54

Ah, the hormonal surge. She may not understand why she's doing what she's doing. So the important thing to do is to be meticulously consistent in how you deal with it.

In public, I'd just be firm. No and this behaviour won't change my mind.
At home, tell her that she can't go around behaving like and in fact, if she does have a tantrum, you are even less likely to give in.

Laissonslesjoliesfemmes · 17/03/2021 17:21

When I started behaving like that as a slightly older child it was because my connection with my mother had broken down for some reason and I was feeling desperately adrift and trying to reconnect with her. Basically my behaviour was a cry for help. Sadly she missed that and reacted simply by 'disciplining' me. My behaviour became worse and worse as a result. Consistency is important and boundaries are crucial but not without connection and compassion.

Nunyabusiness · 17/03/2021 17:40

Google ADRENARCHE, it may provide a little insight?

Defmy · 17/03/2021 17:44

There's a good book called How to listen so your kids will talk that might help you at least know what to say

Dramaticwithgoodreason · 04/10/2022 19:50

I know this is an old thread, but having the exact same issues with my daughter...did you find anything specific that really helped? Has this phase now passed? Thanks

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