I’m alone because of me and I don’t know how to be different. Desperate for help.

[PanicSta]

I’m 36 and I’ve always been like this in some way.

I manage to have relationships but most end because I am unable to be calm. That’s the summary. I have a decent job which pays very well, lovely home, I seem to attract people but I am losing my looks, I can be kind and thoughtful and I’m easy going generally... but then it hits. This horrible fear that this will end, he will lose interest, I’m not enough, I will end up alone... and the impact is that the happy, laughing, fun version of me has frozen and instead there’s a shy, worried, cautious version of me. Specifically I get overwhelmed that he will find out about my past and horrible things I have done like when I fell out with my best friend from school when I was 22 and really it was m fault looking back, or the fact I walked out on a job once and in hindsight maybe I was dramatic, or the fact a few years ago I was very depressed and thought about killing myself (didn’t attempt it) and was on medication for a while. I’m not the same person now, I’ve grown up and in many ways I’m more balanced and secure and hopefully a better person in general.

It’s come to a head for me today because I’m the last new months I met someone I like very much. It was going really well. Then last weekend he suggested staying this weekend coming... but for the whole weekend ie Friday to Monday. I would love this, I think he’s wonderful and want to progress it. But I’m terrified now. I am obsessing over the house, what to cook for him, if he wlll have a nice time, if he will get bored of me. That lighthearted happiness and fun nature is now overshadowed again by fears he will find things out about me in my past and not want me or that the more he sees me the more likely it is that the boredom will hit and it will end. I can’t be on fantastic form for dates when I first meet people but it’s when things progress that I feel terrified as the glossy version and the pressure is too much.

I’m actually in tears writing this. I want a relationship so much and on many levels I have so much to give. But right now I’m not excited about seeing him, I have a feeling of fear and panic and this idea that come Monday, it will all be over anyway.

I know that therapy is the answer most people have to this but I’ve been in therapy for ten years. All different sorts, I now have it 5 times a month. It does help but then like now I suddenly find myself in a spiral of panic. I am too old for this and while my life looks confident and successful on the outside, I feel like a fraud as I can’t seem to manage a relationship calmly once it starts to become something. It’s not that I’ve never got past a 2/3 year thing, I have and I have lived with people before. But here I am again and it’s starting, the fear the anxiety the sadness, the worry I will be judged or cast aside once he knows me more.

I am so sad about this and want so much to be the me that I am in those first few weeks/couple of months to stay. I’m so worried he will not want me any more. He text me once saying he thought I was wonderful, witty, kind and gentle. When I read it I was touched and happy briefly, then I suddenly felt overwhelming fear that he didn’t really know me, was I a fake, what happens when he finds out I’m very far from perfect and haven’t always been kind and gentle and wonderful.

Just so sad I am like this.

That should say I CAN be on fantastic form for first dates..

I hesitate to advise you as I really have no idea what to say as you are already having therapy, and have done so for a long time. I presume that you have tried CBT, as that would appear to be one that should be helpful for negative thoughts. But we are all different, and no one therapy can help every single person who appears to have the same problem as someone else.
So I am going to ask you how you would feel about being completely honest with you boyfriend, have you tried doing so with any of the others? I mean actually telling him everything you have told us here, about the break up with your friend, and about not believing you are a good and kind person because of your behaviour in the past? I only suggest this because the other things you have tried haven't worked for you.
I am in my 60's, I am in my second longterm relationship (in it's 3rd decade), I have adult children who I am very proud of, and yet I often still feel that I am a sham, and although I want to be a nice and kind person, and although I try to be a nice and kind person, I feel that come judgement day (and I am not even a Church goer), I will be found wanting, that I am not a good enough person - and yet a few days ago I got a note from my partner telling me that I make him a better person! I think some of us brood on our qualities too much, luckily at my now great age I have realised that some people are too self absorbed (that is not meant as a criticism, I am one, it is just a fact of life), but having realised that some years ago, I only let me dwell on my negative feelings occassionally, when I have time to myself, then I push those feelings away, realise that I am not perfect - I actually don't think perfection would be a very healthy state for us humans, especially if we want to live with others, as it would be unbearable for most humans to live with someone who was perfection personified!
I think that you probably are a very nice and kind person, I think you probably are not perfect (Thank God), I would have hoped that by now you would have had some therapy that helped you learn how to push away those negative thoughts - most of the time, but a good wallow occassionally is probably beneficial - but you need to learn that you are good enough!
So if you think that this relationship can't last the way things are, then maybe you should think about how you would feel about being honest with him. If that is a bad idea, I hope some mumsnetters will advise you about it. Also, maybe some mns could advise you on some good self help books, as I have no idea about them.
I meant to say at the start of this that I really feel for you OP, and I hope and expect that you will get some very good advice on here, I just hope it is easy to tell which is the good advice. I'm sending you a big virtual hug x

Sorry, I had paragraphs, but I didn't realise that they wouldn't show up without a line space!

Try to remember that we have all done shit things at some point in our lives, none of us are perfect, including the person you are dating. We are all works in progress. You sound lovely; you are clearly thoughtful and insightful but you are overthinking everything. It's a shame that therapy hasn't helped. Are there other therapists that you could try? Are you able to be honest with your partner and tell them about your insecurities and how you feel? I wonder where these feelings come from? Did you have a difficult childhood where you felt unloved? Sorry I cant offer more concrete advice but your honesty is very endearing and I'm sure that potential partners would also feel like this if you open up.

Op I’m not going to suggest therapy but your gp, it sounds like some form of anxiety disorder. Or maybe depression, I’m not going to diagnose you, that’s rhe doctors job, but I don’t think therapy is rhe answer. I think you need medical help.

I’ve walked out on a job. I’d tell anyone who has five mins to listen. I give not a shit, it’s a cool story in a colourful past. We have all fallen out with people.

The depression and suicidal thoughts of course is a very different animal. But it’s nothing to be ashamed of, no decent person would think less of you for it.

So it seems to me you put on a facade at the start that’s not the real you. Then it spirals. Your thoughts get the better of you. You’re sitting crying, and you’re catastrophising irrelevancies like falling out with a mate years ago or binning a job off. Which could be anxiety, depression, even ocd.

I’d urge you to speak to your gp and explain to them. As this doesn’t sound like a therapy issue, it sounds like a mental health one, where help is likely available.

I would consider medication. It sounds like therapy, for whatever reason, hasn't helped resolve your anxiety and you should look at a different solution.

No expert but I think u need find a way to silence that inner voice somehow.

Maybe no point of going over the past that u can't change, maybe only a a colourful past anecdote, and only look forward.

I heard the saying once which I repeat to myself often:

Don't look back, that's not where we are going

There is no such thing as perfect anyway.

We all try to be perfect at the start of a relationship. I bet your man is trying hard to be perfect too.

Thank goodness you have faults and a past! You'd be pretty boring without one.

Even kind people occasionally do things that hurt others - sometimes through immaturity, or difficult circumstances.

It sounds like you have spent lots of time contemplating past mistakes. That's as much as you could ask of anyone.

If this man is worth having, then perhaps you could confide a little of how you're feeling to him? Nothing too heavy, but just a clue so he doesn't think you've gone off him:

e.g. "I'm not quite myself at the moment. When I realise I like someone then sometimes it makes it harder to relax and be the real me".

I think any decent person would get that and not think badly of you. Well done for getting therapy and helping yourself to heal.

Those things from your past are really not bad in anyway at all. I thought you was going to say you murdered someone!

You deserve happiness, everyone has a past.

You do sound very anxious and I thin it's concerning that your therapists have not questioned why you've had no progress? I'd have thought they'd have suggested perhaps you should have seen a Gp to get medication alongside therapy or whatever.

But putting that aside, let's take the example of the fall out with your friend. For start, I can't imagine that any partner now will give a flying fig that you had a fall out with someone 15 years ago. But let's say it comes up and your'e discussing it... even if it WAS your fault, what did you learn from the experience? Have you accepted that responsibility and moved on? I mean, I've done things in the past I've regretted but if those things are discussed with DH it's usually in the context of sharing that I do regret it and what changes I may have put in place subsequently. I can't imagine how he wouldn't be the same (or rather, a man who is a good man and who you are in a good relationship with).

You are clearly too hard on yourself and have very low expectations of the man in your life being able to see past things. Have you been treated very badly by family/partners in the past?

Hi, I've gone through a lot of what you describe and I have come to the conclusion that the only way is to act like the person you want to be.

Whatever it is, something happened in early relationships that has been crippling in putting emotional needs forward, being yourself, so ultimately one plays out the same pattern in relationships, until one just resolves to try and be a higher person (for want of a better word).

I wrote a list of how I want to be in myself and in my relationship (I was very much at the mercy of DM frustration as a child, which resulted in me lashing back, binge drinking or putting up barriers in relationships). It's teaching myself the respect I didn't have as a child and realising there is a different way. Don't give yourself a hard time.

Wow thanks for these replies I have read them all carefully.

Not sure how to tag but to answer a few things... I think I perhaps self sabotage, I want to tell this man all the terrible things I feel I’ve done and then say ‘see? Now you can go.’ I feel like I need to tell him everything, even down to when I had thrush after sex once when I was 20! I want to tell him I had an sti scare once when I had a one night stand and the guy called to say he had chlamydia. I didn’t even have a test they just sent me medication on an ‘in case’ basis. I wanted to tell him and then I suddenly realised how bloody ridiculous that is, why do I want to tell him all these horrible things that aren’t relevant to us especially only after a few months! I want to tell him I used to cut myself as a teen, even though I don’t actually want him to know. I realise that doesn’t make much sense but it’s almost like I want to punish myself for all the mistakes I made by telling him everything and pushing him away.

None of these things would seem like they’d been part of my life if you met me. I have a glossy home, I find things funny which makes me seem relaxed, I love my job and have amazing friends. But inside I feel like a mess mostly.

Growing up my parents were there and loving but I never felt secure. My mum would always compare me to other girls, ‘why can’t you be happy like Anna’ or ‘go and read a magazine like a normal teenager’ or ‘no man will want you behaving like this’ (if I was upset about something). I was constantly compared to a sibling and my mum said she was so glad she could talk to my sister because she didn’t know what she had produced with me. This is all one side of course, there were lots of occasions and most occasions where my mum was loving and supportive and great. She’s great now and to be fair to her she had a very difficult childhood herself. But I hated myself growing up. I thought I was nothing.

How can a man who is so accomplished and strong and successful ever going to want me in the long run when I’m only ever his equal when I’m feeling good and not when I let these dark feelings take over? When I’m on form I know I’m good enough - I’m kind and loving and fun and understanding and successful. Then the panic will start like it has now and I see these horrible reminders of my past creeping in and the fear takes over and I can’t be who I want to be anymore. I can feel it happening now. I want to be excited to see him but all I am feeling now is it is one step closer to him finding me out and it ending.

I’m so sad.

Never be a prisoner of your past. It was a lesson not a life sentence!

@RosemaryShortcake

Hi, I've gone through a lot of what you describe and I have come to the conclusion that the only way is to act like the person you want to be.

Whatever it is, something happened in early relationships that has been crippling in putting emotional needs forward, being yourself, so ultimately one plays out the same pattern in relationships, until one just resolves to try and be a higher person (for want of a better word).

I wrote a list of how I want to be in myself and in my relationship (I was very much at the mercy of DM frustration as a child, which resulted in me lashing back, binge drinking or putting up barriers in relationships). It's teaching myself the respect I didn't have as a child and realising there is a different way. Don't give yourself a hard time.

@RosemaryShortcake worked out how to tag!

Thanks for this message, this sounds like something I could do. What do you mean then, write out the way you want to behave and how you want to come across, and just ignore any other behaviours so that eventually that written out concept becomes the reality, sort of like when people say act confident and you eventually become truly confident and realise you’re not longer acting?

@HeartvsBrain

I hesitate to advise you as I really have no idea what to say as you are already having therapy, and have done so for a long time. I presume that you have tried CBT, as that would appear to be one that should be helpful for negative thoughts. But we are all different, and no one therapy can help every single person who appears to have the same problem as someone else. So I am going to ask you how you would feel about being completely honest with you boyfriend, have you tried doing so with any of the others? I mean actually telling him everything you have told us here, about the break up with your friend, and about not believing you are a good and kind person because of your behaviour in the past? I only suggest this because the other things you have tried haven't worked for you. I am in my 60's, I am in my second longterm relationship (in it's 3rd decade), I have adult children who I am very proud of, and yet I often still feel that I am a sham, and although I want to be a nice and kind person, and although I try to be a nice and kind person, I feel that come judgement day (and I am not even a Church goer), I will be found wanting, that I am not a good enough person - and yet a few days ago I got a note from my partner telling me that I make him a better person! I think some of us brood on our qualities too much, luckily at my now great age I have realised that some people are too self absorbed (that is not meant as a criticism, I am one, it is just a fact of life), but having realised that some years ago, I only let me dwell on my negative feelings occassionally, when I have time to myself, then I push those feelings away, realise that I am not perfect - I actually don't think perfection would be a very healthy state for us humans, especially if we want to live with others, as it would be unbearable for most humans to live with someone who was perfection personified! I think that you probably are a very nice and kind person, I think you probably are not perfect (Thank God), I would have hoped that by now you would have had some therapy that helped you learn how to push away those negative thoughts - most of the time, but a good wallow occassionally is probably beneficial - but you need to learn that you are good enough! So if you think that this relationship can't last the way things are, then maybe you should think about how you would feel about being honest with him. If that is a bad idea, I hope some mumsnetters will advise you about it. Also, maybe some mns could advise you on some good self help books, as I have no idea about them. I meant to say at the start of this that I really feel for you OP, and I hope and expect that you will get some very good advice on here, I just hope it is easy to tell which is the good advice. I'm sending you a big virtual hug x

That is such lovely advice.

You’re not perfect - and neither is he, or anyone else! That is completely OK.

Nobody is on their best form all of the time. Love develops when a person comes to know the other with their qualities, but also their faults and fragilities, and then realises that they still cherish the other just as much, or even more.

There is no reason that could not happen for you as well.

I came across something on Instagram the other day (I know I know!) but it made me stop and think. It was a quote that said something like ‘don’t be a prisoner of your past, it was a lesson not a life sentence’

I think a lot of people tend to dwell on ‘bad’ things they’ve done in the past but no-one is squeaky clean, we all make mistakes and we can learn from from. And most of the time those things are much worse to ourselves than others.

Maybe try being honest with the new guy, or maybe just invite him for one night so it’s not too overwhelming? And progress from there as you get to know each other so it’s not all at once? I’m sure he’ll be nervous too and there’s just as much chance that you will find him boring eventually... I hope you do have a lovely time though, just try to enjoy it in the moment and see what happens

Hi your life has seemed so much like mine. I also grew up being compared to my family members and the love i had was conditional and based on how I looked and how I made my family look - things like exam results and other achievements.

I have grown up absolutely hating myself and have sabotaged every single friendship and relationship.

I've spent most of my life on anti depressants following depression and suicide attempts.

What I've learned in therapy is - because I've never known real happiness I sabotage any relationship that resembles something good so that I can keep on feeling bad about myself as that is my familiar feeling. I've got to learn to try being happy, it feels like a huge risk because its unfamiliar but even awareness of this is helping. And like pp said, no one is perfect so please don't think you are less than any one else.

I really hope you can find peace as you sound lovely.

Wow OP if that's the worst that you've done, well really you have nothing to feel bad about. What if your new man told you he'd done these things way back in his past? Would you think he must be a terrible person?

You need to forgive yourself and move on, learn from those things and realise everyone makes mistakes. We're not born knowing everything or understanding everything or having just the correct amount of empathy and cynacism. We have to learn and sometimes the only way to learn is by making mistakes. To be fair it's taken me to my 40's to learn this!

It sounds like your self esteem isn't the best - a bit of anxiety creeping in or maybe imposter syndrome? You really need to give yourself a break. I would also seriously consider telling your new man - it doesn't have to be too heavy, just say 'when I was younger I fell out with my best friend from school, we were friends for x years and I really regret that I messed that friendship up and really miss that person as a friend.'

The other thing you could do if it would help you move on is see if you could contact that friend and apologise in writing (have no expectation of a reply, do it just to acknowledge you were in the wrong and you're sorry). I fell out with my BF from school at a similar age, I see now we grew apart and she found it difficult that I moved on and away - we're friends on FB now and although I felt at the time it was her fault we fell out I don't have any resentment towards her whatsoever, we've both moved on. xxx

Yes like that. I started with negative behaviours (but understanding these are a reaction and not innate) and thought what would that look like if I was coming from a higher place of respect for myself and others. This feels like a leap of faith at first but its the principles of what I think everyone deserves and also what values are important to me.

So for me, some of my negative behaviours/consequences are (which all come from this feeling I am somehow disappointing others or myself)

• talking at people (a lot)
• minor addictions
• wasting time mulling over
• fall into depression
• self neglect
• feeling unfulfilled
• barrier to intimacy
• partner feels out in cold

I then wrote a list of what I want to do/be.

Work hard, make an effort, give praise, encourage, listen, be clear about what my priorities are, show compassion, earn trust, take it on together, allow for differences, best version of myself, put effort into positive things, rise to challenges, thoughtful, honest about who I am/weaknesses, give freely, show appreciation, take some of the burden, proper rest time, do things in earnest/whole heartedly, be fair, patient, kind, live a fulfilling life, communicate, listen

I also decided that opening up is scary and its ok for me to do that little by little and as much as I feel comfortable with. I also am practising taking the time to pause and to say nothing when I can't be positive to someone (I don't always manage this). I am giving this a small amount of time each week (journalling and counselling). The counselling is private as I could only receive short term NHS Counselling. I am just working through the list, picking the priority ones and doing them more or differently or more consistently.
Hopefully it will push me to be a better more responsible person and have better relationships.

I know I needed to work on this and I had an argument with a family member and have been dwelling on past failings which has spurred me forward. I was trying to understand why I keep going back to the same patterns and now I am relearning.

You could maybe think about feedback you have had (positive and negative), were you being 'you' or responding to something else, what could a different approach look like, how could you start doing that. The end result is that you are then seen in the way you want to be seen, if that makes sense.

If I had to sum up (ha what do I know) I'd say listening is important in a relationship (and choosing wisely!).

@RosemaryShortcake

Yes like that. I started with negative behaviours (but understanding these are a reaction and not innate) and thought what would that look like if I was coming from a higher place of respect for myself and others. This feels like a leap of faith at first but its the principles of what I think everyone deserves and also what values are important to me.

So for me, some of my negative behaviours/consequences are (which all come from this feeling I am somehow disappointing others or myself)

• talking at people (a lot)
• minor addictions
• wasting time mulling over
• fall into depression
• self neglect
• feeling unfulfilled
• barrier to intimacy
• partner feels out in cold

I then wrote a list of what I want to do/be.

Work hard, make an effort, give praise, encourage, listen, be clear about what my priorities are, show compassion, earn trust, take it on together, allow for differences, best version of myself, put effort into positive things, rise to challenges, thoughtful, honest about who I am/weaknesses, give freely, show appreciation, take some of the burden, proper rest time, do things in earnest/whole heartedly, be fair, patient, kind, live a fulfilling life, communicate, listen

I also decided that opening up is scary and its ok for me to do that little by little and as much as I feel comfortable with. I also am practising taking the time to pause and to say nothing when I can't be positive to someone (I don't always manage this). I am giving this a small amount of time each week (journalling and counselling). The counselling is private as I could only receive short term NHS Counselling. I am just working through the list, picking the priority ones and doing them more or differently or more consistently.
Hopefully it will push me to be a better more responsible person and have better relationships.

I know I needed to work on this and I had an argument with a family member and have been dwelling on past failings which has spurred me forward. I was trying to understand why I keep going back to the same patterns and now I am relearning.

You could maybe think about feedback you have had (positive and negative), were you being 'you' or responding to something else, what could a different approach look like, how could you start doing that. The end result is that you are then seen in the way you want to be seen, if that makes sense.

If I had to sum up (ha what do I know) I'd say listening is important in a relationship (and choosing wisely!).

@RosemaryShortcake thanks so much for this. The thing that sticks out to me here is that I talk a LOT. I’m always trying to rush to get my point across or to express happiness or thanks, I am too much sometimes. Why do I do that?! It’s like I think if I don’t show someone who I am straight away and convey how I’m feeling I won’t have time to so I need to rush it. I hate it.

@HeartvsBrain

I hesitate to advise you as I really have no idea what to say as you are already having therapy, and have done so for a long time. I presume that you have tried CBT, as that would appear to be one that should be helpful for negative thoughts. But we are all different, and no one therapy can help every single person who appears to have the same problem as someone else. So I am going to ask you how you would feel about being completely honest with you boyfriend, have you tried doing so with any of the others? I mean actually telling him everything you have told us here, about the break up with your friend, and about not believing you are a good and kind person because of your behaviour in the past? I only suggest this because the other things you have tried haven't worked for you. I am in my 60's, I am in my second longterm relationship (in it's 3rd decade), I have adult children who I am very proud of, and yet I often still feel that I am a sham, and although I want to be a nice and kind person, and although I try to be a nice and kind person, I feel that come judgement day (and I am not even a Church goer), I will be found wanting, that I am not a good enough person - and yet a few days ago I got a note from my partner telling me that I make him a better person! I think some of us brood on our qualities too much, luckily at my now great age I have realised that some people are too self absorbed (that is not meant as a criticism, I am one, it is just a fact of life), but having realised that some years ago, I only let me dwell on my negative feelings occassionally, when I have time to myself, then I push those feelings away, realise that I am not perfect - I actually don't think perfection would be a very healthy state for us humans, especially if we want to live with others, as it would be unbearable for most humans to live with someone who was perfection personified! I think that you probably are a very nice and kind person, I think you probably are not perfect (Thank God), I would have hoped that by now you would have had some therapy that helped you learn how to push away those negative thoughts - most of the time, but a good wallow occassionally is probably beneficial - but you need to learn that you are good enough! So if you think that this relationship can't last the way things are, then maybe you should think about how you would feel about being honest with him. If that is a bad idea, I hope some mumsnetters will advise you about it. Also, maybe some mns could advise you on some good self help books, as I have no idea about them. I meant to say at the start of this that I really feel for you OP, and I hope and expect that you will get some very good advice on here, I just hope it is easy to tell which is the good advice. I'm sending you a big virtual hug x

@HeartvsBrain thank you so much x

I wonder if anyone has ever mentioned BPD to you? It’s just that the self harm and self sabotage ring a few bells, plus also your experiences with your mother growing up. There’s a type of therapy developed for BPD called DBT is based on a CBT framework but focuses more on distress tolerance, “being in the moment” and interpersonal skills that you might find helpful.

@PanicSta I was thinking about your answer. I can relate to feeling like I am taking up time (and apologising for my entire existence!). My why would be that I grew up feeling ever so slight resentment from DM. Talking back was one strategy.

Somewhere in the middle I feel is for important conversations to focus on mental (or written) bullet points that I want to cover. The other thing I am aiming for is to find more people who I really connect with - who share similar values of respect and others that are important to me.

There is a wonderful quote from Matt Haig who has written about depression which I must try and remember more:

Never worry what the cool people think. Head for the warm people. Life is warmth. You'll be cool when you're dead.

Have you read about CPTSD? Mastin Kipp has some wisdom on it as a trauma response. Your OP rang some bells for me.