My insecurity or he doesn’t give a shit? Feeling so rubbish

[Wellhellocad]

Met someone recently that I really like, after dating YEARS. The first date was amazing and the rest have been the same. We’ve not DTD (he’s totally respectful that I don’t want to yet) but 4 months in and it’s like when we are together it’s fabulous but when apart the messages are a bit awkward (from him), quite formal, makes jokes but it’s almost like we have just met if that makes sense?!

He’s definitely not properly relaxed around me. When we meet we spend proper time together and obviously become closer but there’s rarely a phone call in the week or a full chat about our days. I don’t really mind that as it can get boring, but at the start of a relationship surely it’s normal to want to be in touch more etc?

He talks about taking time off work but doesn’t suggest taking a day together.. for instance he’s going to stay in a caravan soon and will stop on the way to see family. This is something I could have done with him, he’s not mentioned it. I wouldn’t even need to meet his family, I could wander off for the day and leave him to it.

I don’t know if I’m being insecure or I’m right that he’s not bothered? We are not young, I’m 36 and he’s 39. I don’t want to mess about. In other relationships by month four I’ve been sure whether I am part of a couple, felt fine just calling someone up, or suggesting a last minute meeting. He’s not like this at all with me, despite it being great when we meet.

He’s not married before anyone asks. I’m starting to think he just doesn’t really care.

Maybe because you've not DTD yet, he didn't want to ask you to come away with him?

Yeah I agree im afraid, 4 months in he's probably thinking you aren't in to HIM.
I'd be wanting to dtd after 4 months !

Honestly no one could really day from the information you've given. He could be just being respectful and not wanting to push things or maybe he's got a low sex drive and isn't really bothered. He could be asocially awkward introvert, or maybe he's just not that into you. Maybe he's just come out if a lng term relationship and is new to dating. Maybe you need to take more of a leading roll

I wouldn’t be committing to being in a couple with someone I hadn’t slept with after 4 months. Sex is very important to me and I wouldn’t be going all in emotionally if I didn’t know the chemistry would survive the bedroom.

You sound quite passive. Have you suggested any days out or trips away? Are you making an effort to be in contact between dates? How often are you seeing each other?

Nothing about a new relationship should be boring. Why would chatting about your days be boring?

It all sounds a bit flat. What’s keeping you both still in it?

4 months and you haven't shagged him?! I think he probably thinks he's just a mate.

Yeah I wouldn't ask someone who wouldn't sleep with me after 4 months away with me. It's absolutely fine you aren't ready, but I wouldn't be serious with someone I hadn't had sex with. 4 months is quite a long time. Maybe he thinks it isn't going anywhere and therefore isn't worth getting serious until he knows where he stands.

I agree with @AnnaFiveTowns. He probably doesn’t see this the same way you do. Have you tried having a chat with him about what’s going on? And if you don’t feel happy doing that then you’re likely not compatible. At this stage you should be keen to see each other and making time to meet up. If you’re not even bothered that you don’t talk on the phone much maybe you’re just not right for each other? Or would you like to speak on the phone more and you’re just telling yourself it’s fine that you don’t?

At the moment it is a friendship.

do you kiss and cuddle? is there romance?