Advice for dealing with nerves when talking

[whyhell0there]

I've always been someone who feels nervous when I'm the centre of attention, especially when speaking. I avoid telling long anecdotes, especially in groups, and I'm often a waffling mess in situations like interviews. Basically I get very nervous and can't think straight whenever I'm in a situation where I have to speak at length while being scrutinised, even in social situations.

It's very frustrating and although I've improved a bit over the years, I still feel end up feeling muddled and flustered and want the interaction to be over asap.

Has anyone experienced something similar and managed to improve/overcome it? I would love to be able to speak confidently in a work meeting in front of several people, for example, or not feel like it's the end of the world every time I deliver a training session.

What can I do? Any tips to manage nerves? Thank you in advance!

It dawned on me once that the people I'm talking to don't know any better than me. If you're giving a training session, you must know something the people in front of you don't know. They presumably are either listening to you because they want to know what you're saying or not listening because they don't care. So why should you care? Most people are going through life winging it to some extent. In a business setting, 60% of what is said is total bullshit and everyone knows it. Once you realise that most people feel the same as you, you won't be so scared. We're all going around bullshitting. Interviews are bullshit, most presentations have got loads of bullshit in them, meetings are bullshit. We're all just playing a role. People aren't judging you as much as you think they are. They're all more worried about themselves. Fake it until you make it. Practice at home. Act. We're all acting. Practice some 7, 4, 8 breathing or square breathing for nerves. Nobody really cares like you think they do. And if they do have a fleeting thought about you, so what? I bet you've sat next to someone and thought: "Her perfume stinks" or "he's got a lisp" or" he always says the same thing in meetings" or "what shall I make for tea tonight" while someone is speaking. Fake it til you make it.
Another tip: Ask questions. People assume you're involved and the other person has to do all the talking. Ask questions and then smile and nod. Ask them like you're really interested. This will help you build confidence. Also, if you're in a meeting, whoever is running it will think you're really keen.

And you're obviously very bright. You know how to use paragraphs for a start! ;-)

I'm very overweight and didn't want to take my kid swimming because of it. And then I realised that the worst people could think is: "She's fat". And that thought would last 5 seconds. Their thoughts have no effect on me. I am fat. I'm fat in a swimming costume. I am fat when fully clothed. I was letting other people's 5-second thoughts stop me. They still think it, but I take my kid to the pool when it's open. Nobody really cares.

@7catsandcounting

It dawned on me once that the people I'm talking to don't know any better than me. If you're giving a training session, you must know something the people in front of you don't know. They presumably are either listening to you because they want to know what you're saying or not listening because they don't care. So why should you care? Most people are going through life winging it to some extent. In a business setting, 60% of what is said is total bullshit and everyone knows it. Once you realise that most people feel the same as you, you won't be so scared. We're all going around bullshitting. Interviews are bullshit, most presentations have got loads of bullshit in them, meetings are bullshit. We're all just playing a role. People aren't judging you as much as you think they are. They're all more worried about themselves. Fake it until you make it. Practice at home. Act. We're all acting. Practice some 7, 4, 8 breathing or square breathing for nerves. Nobody really cares like you think they do. And if they do have a fleeting thought about you, so what? I bet you've sat next to someone and thought: "Her perfume stinks" or "he's got a lisp" or" he always says the same thing in meetings" or "what shall I make for tea tonight" while someone is speaking. Fake it til you make it. Another tip: Ask questions. People assume you're involved and the other person has to do all the talking. Ask questions and then smile and nod. Ask them like you're really interested. This will help you build confidence. Also, if you're in a meeting, whoever is running it will think you're really keen.

I love this, thank you

It really all is bullshit, isn't it?? It's a healthy perspective to have with some balance... I do need to worry less.

Even if I'm not consciously worrying about what others think, I still end up overcome with nerves and can't think straight. It's obviously become such a normal habit for me.

Thanks for your help @7catsandcounting - it sounds like you have the right frame of mind.

I think it helps to reframe your nerves and anxiety as excitement. Instead of thinking “oh my god I have to present this afternoon and I’m SO bad at public speaking”, try to think “I’m lucky, I get to share my wisdom and my nerves are because I feel excited!”

Even if it’s not true, it helps to change your mindset.

And people are definitely more focused on themselves. People will barely notice if you fluff your words or get a sentence mixed up.

Oh, and finally. The more you do it the more second nature it becomes! I’ve never been a natural ‘speaker’ but I’ve accepted that it’s something I need to do more of if I want to improve.

No solution from me but just wanted to say I feel your pain! Social anxiety is shit. I'm usually fine 1-2-1 but as soon as there is more than one person...it's so strange. If I dare to join in conversation with an anecdote, I feel every face swivel to look at me, my heart starts racing and I then cut it short/gabble/freeze and feel like a fool.

For me, I know that a lot of it comes from having an extremely critical mother. She still is now. I'll be talking to her and can see her eyes analysing my hair/clothes/skin for example, and I can tell she's not really listening. Sure enough, she'll then comment negatively on something she's spotted! So it's always made me feel that everyone does this when I'm talking, so I feel really self-conscious.

I'm no help to you am I 😆

Thank you @WhatAreWordsWorth - I definitely need to practice shifting my perspective. I like the idea of reframing.

@curlyqueeny - Glad to know I'm not alone! I feel like some of my feelings of anxiety in these situations comes from my mum too. She often looks away (for what seems longer than normal glancing??) when I'm talking and it makes me trail off and give up

Beta blockers are very good for controlling nerves and physical anxiety symptoms for occasional public speaking. GPs will prescribe them for this purpose.