I’ve read quite a few threads about needle phobia in the past few weeks and there has been some really good advice given but the one thing that all of those posts seem to have in common is that the phobic person is supported by a spouse or friend. My situation is a bit different and I’m currently living in a constant state of anxiety due to the impending vaccination.
The background is that I’ve been extremely needle-phobic all my life. This has greatly impacted on my life and my health. I have barely seen a doctor in adulthood as the thought of entering a GP surgery which I totally associate with injections, makes me freak out. I actually went 6 years after moving cities without registering with a GP practice – I thought I could just avoid the issue. I once had a minor accident but had to go to A&E. They told me to make an appointment at my GP surgery to get a tetanus injection within the next 24 hours. I never went. I know this is awful and the effects of not having the injection could have been much worse than the jab, but that kind of tough love thinking doesn’t help me. It’s like there is a locked door in my mind where needles are concerned and it’s just impossible to get through it. I have, for my entire life, been obsessed with one particular country – I have countless books about it, can tell you all about the history and culture, listen to music and watch films from there regularly – but I’ll never be able to visit because I need vaccinations to get there and even that level of desire will not outweigh my fear. I’m 44 years old and I’m childless. I don’t know what I would have done if I’d fallen pregnant. It just didn’t happen for us and as both DH and I have always been ambivalent about having children anyway, we decided not to investigate fertility treatment – I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t relieved to not have to put myself through that type of medical treatment, even if a tiny part of me does yearn for what might have been. A few years ago, I had an unexpected anaphylactic reaction to a food that I’d previously eaten all my life without issue. I fell apart at the thought of having to carry an epi-pen, much less use one. I also really psyched myself up to attend the allergy clinic to get tested. I drew on every strength I had to get through the door but my nerve let me down and I started sobbing as soon as blood tests were mentioned. They ended up sending me away, telling me to rebook once I was able to deal with it. I have never been back. I tried CBT to deal with this phobia but was effectively dismissed for not trying. I was trying, I really was. I just couldn’t even bring myself to look at a picture of a needle or talk about needles, even after several sessions.
So that is the extent of my phobia. The thing is, for the first time in my life, I actually want to have an injection. I want to be vaccinated against covid and I didn’t think that this is something I’d ever say. Indeed I spent the first 6 months of the pandemic not sleeping and in a constant state of anxiety knowing that the only way out would be by facing an injection and I wracked my brains for any excuse to get myself exempt. Now though, I realise that this needs to happen and I am trying to change my way of thinking. I’m constantly telling myself and others that I’m looking forward to being vaccinated, that I can’t wait to get my appointment. I’m taking a fake it until you make it approach. I know I will attend when called, that part is not in question - and this is already a huge step for me.
The thing is, I can’t tell my DH about my phobia. Every other thread I’ve seen about this talks about having a partner or spouse there to advocate for you and/or hold your hand. I can’t do this. DH is a good man but he doesn’t get it and is likely to ridicule me and tell me get a grip. How do I possibly start to explain that this phobia has been affecting me through 22 years of marriage – that I’ve hidden it through so many excuses and lies over the years?
I cannot let DH see me in the full grip of the phobia. My reaction is very much flight or fight and I tend to scream, cry and struggle. I’m not a fainter – I feel that would be so much easier.
So, having decided that I’m going to get this vaccination (I can’t let myself think about the second one right now), my stresses are the following:
What if I get called to the drive-through rather than the mass vaccination centre? I cannot deal with that and worry that I’d be a danger to myself and others on the road if I have to drive before and after. But if I get called there, how do I get it changed and how do I explain to DH?
What if DH and I are called at the same time? I’d really rather he didn’t see me in that state.
What if there’s someone else I know at the centre? See above.
What if the staff are horrible to me? I’ve seen some tweets from staff at the mass centres, complaining about people dithering when they are trying to get the lines moving. I might be one of those ditherers. I might end up rooted to the spot and unable to make myself move forward.
What about the fact that I have a possible anaphylactic issue but it has never been tested/proven? How do I explain?
What if I need to sit for a while afterwards and regroup with myself? Will there be a facility to do this? I’ve heard of people just being sent to their car and told to come back in if they feel funny but I think I’ll need to sit immediately afterwards. I also plan to walk or take public transport because I don’t want DH to drive me and see me like that.
I’ve read that some centres don’t even have people sitting for the injection, they do it standing up. I can’t cope with this.
I’m scared of seeing others getting their vaccinations. I will freak out if I see that.
What if they call DH to help or support me even if I don’t want them to?
I just know that I’m likely to start crying as soon as I set foot in the place. I really want to get this done but I wish I had the option of going somewhere more private than a mass centre and that I could choose a time that suits (i.e. making sure DH is indisposed). We’re in Scotland so we don’t have an online booking system. We are just given a place and time.