My 14 year old DD is absolutely terrified. Please help me navigate this

[GnTwithlime]

Hi,

I'm very concerned about my DDs already fragile mental health. This has been triggered by the tragic murder of Sarah Everard, but has clearly been a volcano of worries, waiting to erupt.

DD has actually coped remarkably well during what has been an incredibly difficult period, but since going back to school, I've noticed her anxiety levels have shot up and last night she completely broke down after a group chat with some friends about the recent news. DD hadn't actually heard about it and was absolutely devastated. The chat turned into all of the girls talking about how unsafe they felt, which teachers at school gave them the creeps etc.

DD came down to dinner and absolutely crumbled, saying that she can't cope with this as well as everything else. She's just worrying about everything. Covid and another possible wave, climate change and now this.

I tried to explain that the tragic news about Sarah has sparked a general conversation, but she is no less safe today, but how can I explain to her that these sometimes subconscious, protective behaviours that all woman have, are wrong, in the sense that we shouldn't have to do them, but that she still needs to do them at the same time? I found myself contradicting myself with every sentence!

It's just such a difficult conversation to have. An almost impossible balance to strike.

I am just heartbroken for her - for all of them. All this worry. All this fear. It's an absolute overload and is a tragedy in itself.

She sat on my knee last night, which she hasn't done for years, wrapped her arms around my neck so tightly and sobbed and sobbed. At that point there were no words I could give. She just needed to feel safe.

Honestly, I'm broken. How do I help her without scaring her even more?

I know I'm not alone here.

Any advice would be massively appreciated.

TIA

@NewUser123456789

Go through the cold hard numbers and show that being killed by a stranger is vanishingly unlikely, an order of magnitude less than being killed in a road traffic collision. The odds over a lifetime are infinitesimally small. Also point out that the very reason these stories make the news is their rarity, dozens of people die prematurely every day without so much as making the sidebar.

Pointing out that the most likely people to murder her already live in her house might not help matters though.

Oops! Just said the same thing. I didn't see your post as I started mine, stepped away and then came back and finished it. I agree.

There is collective bandwagon hysteria in some quarters. It’s natural that young teens will feel this way. Keep her within her comfort zone for now so she has no need to anticipate danger.

My DD has anxiety and found that CBT helped.

You sound like an amazing mum. Your DD obviously trusts you to confide in you like this.

Have you considered buying her a personal alarm?

Perhaps she'll feel safer if she feels she has something like that on her and there is something she can actively do if something were to happen?

I think it's very hard to convince kids they are safe when they see these news stories.

My ds is autistic and anxious about being out but he finds having a plan etc better than reassurance that's not tangible.

[quote SplendidSuns1000]@Chooseausernamenow I think perhaps OP means the talk of sexual harassment and assault, rather than murder specifically.[/quote]
Understood.

OP you sound like a loving and supportive mum and it shows the strength of your relationship that she’s confided in you her worries.

Sometimes you just need to give time a chance. Go and do things together or something and keep talking more if both of you have to . Soon, all these emotions flowing through her will fade away and she will be able sit up straight and say ok, I can got this.

Can you help make her feel empowered at all? Both mine have done Tae Kwon do, eldest to a high level - and while she is aware of risks and I'd cautious - she feels she could defend herself and helps her confidence. And think how Greta Thunberg channelled her depression into action. Covid has stripped many of us of our agency. If she could take some actions - or plan some actions would that help?

I'm so sorry to hear about how your daughter is feeling. Sometimes I think in the moment it's enough just to be there for them, holding space, while they're experiencing a very strong emotion like this. I think you holding her close will have been so important to her.

Teachers giving the children the "creeps" absolutely needs to be addressed however. Your daughter and her friends deserve to feel safe and calm at school, and there should be absolutely zero tolerance for anything that can be even vaguely misconstrued. The staff should be professional enough to understand that, though it might be difficult, it's not personal and these things need to be reported, investigated and discussed.

@GnTwithlime sorry to hear about your DD. I think she needs to unplug from social media. Ban it for a week or two. Too many anxious people fuelling other people’s anxiety.

You need to tell her that she doesn’t need to fear Covid19. Unfortunately, the elderly and ill are vulnerable, but she is healthy and not likely to get very sick.

Maybe it’s time for some safety talks. Instruct your DD to walk with others if it’s dark. Educate her on date rape (before she starts going to parties where there’s alcohol) and grooming.

Just wanted to quickly check in and say that I've read and appreciate all the replies. Been a hectic evening, but will reply properly tomorrow.

Sorry to hear this. My son is struggling. All the killallmen talk makes him worry that he’s either a terrible person in the making or that women will view him as a threat.

I think it's easily said than done not to be disproportionally afraid, but I think the key is the knowledge.
Obviously we can't control others, but we can do something about ourselves. We can do something against climate change. Each effort is small, but it will positively impact if many do. Covid is scary, but we know enough measure to reduce the risk. Recent murder case is truly awful, but again, we can do something to minimise the risk ourselves.
That's how I see it.
So, as a parent, if my dc is afraid, we talk about it, and encourage them to do something they can do themselves. My dc is/was afraid of covid since he has chronic illness. We've watched a lot of videos, read resources, found the way to control his fear by changing his behaviour. Even short video how to wash the hands properly was quite helpful.

Some really helpful ideas and kind words Thank you everyone.

DD seemed a bit calmer yesterday. I was worried that her and her friends would whip up further hysteria, but it doesn't sound as though that was the case. I decided not to bring anything up for now and am just letting the dust settle before taking any action.

I feel like this is all on a knife edge and I'm really worried about getting it wrong. 14 is a tough age at any time, but with everything that's been going on, it's 100 times harder.

to all of you whose DC are also struggling.

For me, I can only ever feel a little nore settled in my anxiety if I am proactively addressing it head on. So I got hugely anxious about getting covid so I channelled it into lifting weights, losing pounds and eating healthily. For your daughter it might look like joining a martial arts clubs, gaining confidence through speaking up, (even if that just looks like shouting sometimes so she can feel the force of her voice, but could equally be a better understanding of her rights, law etc), or getting fit. I recently saw a news story from a police force about the attempted kidnapping of a 13 year old girl local to me and how she managed to escape and run fast away from him, and then hold it together in court. It was awful but inspiring too. I think anything that helps women find a voice, confidence and stay fit is always a good thing. She'll probably never need those skills to escape a criminal but they'll be useful in many other ways.

Can you show her the stats that her chances of being kidnapped and murdered by a stranger are akin to that if being hit by lightning. From a practical point, could you sign her up for some self defense classes, which might increase her confidence. Also, both our teens have Uber accounts linked to our credit card and are under strict instructions to always get an Uber rather than walk alone in uncertain areas.