I am a terrible person

[Beanz74]

I wasn't sure where to put this and not really sure what I want from it, I just needed to write down how I was feeling before I burst.

I had a row with my partner last night after I did something stupid and probably a bit dangerous. I absolutely know I was in the wrong and he was completely 100% right to shout at me and tell me I could have killed myself but my instant reaction was to get really angry and try and defend myself. Then I completely shut down. Couldn't find any words to say. He tried to talk to me but it was like shutters had come down. He couldn't get anything out of me. I took myself off to the bathroom a few times for a cry but apart from that I was clammed up.

Inside, I was raging. I was furious at myself for doing something so stupid. I was humiliated and embarrassed. I felt like I needed to do something to punish myself for yet another thing I'd fucked up. I have enough self awareness to know that this response is one of a normal or decent person. Which makes me loath myself even more.

My partner apologised for shouting at me but maintains that I'd done something really dangerous, which is a normal and fair thing for any decent human being to do. He made an effort last night and gave me a cuddle so by the time we went to sleep, things were ok again. But that just makes me feel worse as he is by far the better person than me by being able to get over things like this.

This morning, I still feel sick every time I think about it. How stupid and fucking useless I am. I've messaged my partner to say sorry but even that's the cowards way out. I just don't feel able to talk to him about what was going on in my head as it just makes me look so pathetic, weak and a horrible person.

I don't know if this is low self esteem or if I can get any help for being such a waste of space. I don't feel depressed in any other way.

Sometimes I tell DH what I'm thinking or feeling by whats app, because it's easier to order my thoughts, and make sure I say what I really mean. This acts as a springboard for discussion, later on, when we're both calm and receptive, and it means that (because he replies of course!) we both know where the other is coming from, to a certain extent.

You obviously stuffed up, in what you think is a pretty major way (I can't comment, because I don't know what you did, and what's important is yours and your DH's perception). You're owning it. You didn't react well in the heat of the moment, but often we get defensive when we know we've stuffed up, and we're embarrassed and humiliated.

I did something once, which was utterly stupid, and I still don't know how we survived it, it should have been a three car collision. To this day I go red, hot and cold, every time I think of it, with shame and horror. I also learned from that mistake, and are now a lot safer driver as a result!

DP's perception - sorry!

Please stop calling yourself names. It won't help how you're feeling.

Without knowing what you actually did, it is very difficult to tell how proportionate your reaction is.

However, calling yourself things like a 'waste of space' and a 'coward' does make it sound like you are very harsh on yourself, which may be skewing your perspective.

Sorry you’re feeling so sad and worried op.

I’m sure you’re not a horrible person- horrible periods don’t worry about their actions after they have done or said something.

Are you worried because of what you did or your reaction to your oh telling you off about it?

What did you do?

Because there’s a world of difference between, say, sticking a knife in the toaster and drink driving.

And also - you are very much more as a person than this one action. This doesn't negate all the good and sensible and kind and loving things you have ever done, or will go on to do.

"I absolutely know I was in the wrong and he was completely 100% right to shout at me"

Without you saying what it is that you did it's impossible to know whether you deserved being shouted at!

I don't think it is normal or OK to shout at your partner whatever has happened.

@Stompythedinosaur it's understandable though in certain circumstances.

Without any real information it's impossible to say.

@Stompythedinosaurit's understandable though in certain circumstances

Is it though? I suppose raising your voice to alert someone to something they hadn't seen e.g. there's a car coming.

Shouting at someone because of something they have done implies an uncomfortable perception of a power differential, I think. I just can't imagine it in a healthy relationship.

I have enough self awareness to know that this response is one of a normal or decent person

Is, or isn’t?

What did you do?

@Stompythedinosaur I'd be pretty surprised if I did something like drink driving (not saying that's what OP did as they're exceptionally vague) and my DH didn't shout at me.

Agree with others. It really does depend on what you did as to whether the shouting was okay.

Please don't be so hard on yourself.

OP dont be hard on yourself. Without knowing what it is you did it is hard to say if your dp shouting was ok

"Shouting at someone because of something they have done implies an uncomfortable perception of a power differential, I think. I just can't imagine it in a healthy relationship."

I don't think the OP needs to get into whether her relationship is "healthy" or not due to him shouting just yet. We don't even know what she did.

I agree that either 'shouting at' or being 'shouted at' is not great - however sometimes in the heat of the moment relief can cause it - sorry not explaining this well, but for example shouting at someone whose done something dangerous and been ok, relief can cause the ' how could you be so stupid ' reaction. Op hasn't told us what actually happened and it doesn't seem to be a regular occurrence and her dp doesn't seem to be continuing to be holding 'it' against her. Perhaps a chat about why she is so down on herself is the way to gon