Anyone lost parent as a child or know someone who has? Bit desperate for advice

[ItsNextDay]

I’ve met someone recently who I knew from school. He lost his mum when he was 13 and though I wasn’t friends with him at that time, I remember him struggling in school and being understandably clingy with his dad at school events etc.

We met again online a few weeks back and there’s a real spark. This weekend I mentioned it to a friend (also from school) who warned me against dating him. Her partner works with this man now and she says he’s not had a relationship longer than a year and that he will ‘no doubt have underlying issues after what happened’

He’s 40 I’m 35. I don’t want to get into something that has a warning sign at the start. He mentions his mum reasonably frequently but I didn’t find it odd...he’s got a good job, settled, very close to sibling and dad.

In a totally selfish way, would you steer clear? I’ve fallen for him a bit but should I be aware of impact of trauma on him that may translate to a relationship? I’ve had a rough time with men in the past and just want to go into it with my eyes open.

I know at least 3 men who lost their mum as a child. All grown into really lovely adults with long term relationships, whose families mean the world to them.

Thanks was a bit spooked by friends comment!

Both my parents lost a parent young - DM was 3 when her mother died, DF 10 when his father died. My parents were happily married for 46 years.

Why shouldn't he talk about his mum?

It is a particularly weird and unhealthy western idea that you should behave like a deceased loved one never existed.

I think your friends comment was mean.

I lost my dad when I was junior school age, I’ve been married over 20 years. Naturally I was upset and clingy at the time as the death was unexpected, but I don’t consider myself any different to anyone else now. Obviously everyone processes loss differently so if there are other concerns/signs you can make your decision accordingly but I wouldn’t dismiss someone for losing a parent in childhood.

Her partner works with this man now and she says he’s not had a relationship longer than a year and that he will ‘no doubt have underlying issues after what happened’

While I agree there will be underlying issues (although possibly he has worked through them with/without the help of a professional), many people haven’t had a relationship longer than a year surely? I certainly know some - some are lovely and I’m surprised they haven’t met someone, there are others in unsurprised at as they have unattractive personalities. Losing a parent as a child doesn’t apply to either category. Your friend is unkind and sounds very mean.

I can think of four guys who lost their dads in their teens or early adulthood. In each case I actually think the effect has been to produce more emotionally mature and family oriented guys who were keen to find the right partner and start a new family of their own.

I also know a couple of people who have lost a parent young. They are balanced adults with no relationship issues.

Tbh if something was a warning sign for me, it would be the lack of LT relationship. Not the death of his mum.

Maybe he does have issues and your friend is just attributing these to the death of his mother without actually knowing.

I know several people in this position and they are different people with varying scales of issues, neither two are the same.

If you haven’t seen this guy since school, take him as you find him now. I suspect we’re all very different at 40 to ourselves at 13 regardless of trauma.

I lost both my parents young, it’s still a pain in my life sometimes but it hasn’t stopped me having successful relationships. Bit of love needed and maybe some therapy? Just remember his grief is not yours to fix or take away. Your role is empathy, love, consistency and to point to professionals of needed.

I lost my Dad when I was 10, my Sister was 6.
I’ve been with my husband for 14yrs (married 6) and my sister is in a long term relationship also.
I would say neither of us have any lasting issues from loosing a patent, we had fantastic Mum and wider family though to help us through.

I lost my Dad in an road accident when I was 17. There's no doubt that such a loss at a young age profoundly changes you for good. It's left me with a number of neurotic quirks which I had to explain to my husband when we first got together, e.g.

I absolutely have to know if someone is going to be home - my husband texts me every day when he's setting off and again if he's delayed. If he is even ten minutes late with no warning, I fret.

I have a huge fear of losing the people I love. (In the sense that I dwell on it a lot.) I'm rubbish at living in the moment, I worry about the future all the time. Basically, got a nasty life lesson that a comfortable, normal life can rapidly unravel with no warning whatsoever. As a result, I never quite feel secure. I'm cautious in lost aspects of my life (money, plans etc.)

I crave security. Big life decisions like changing jobs, moving areas etc are hard for me.

And the good stuff...
I never ever go to bed on a quarrel (in fact, I don't quarrel much at all. I don't sweat the trivial stuff in relationships because I'm aware how insignificant it is.) I always make sure I tell my family and friends that I love them regularly. I never ever take the presence of a loved one for granted. I value them every day.

Work is just work- I never let it sidetrack me from family and life. It pays the bills but in the grand scheme of things it's not important. Ditto belongings.

I have had my fair share of disastrous relationships. But I consciously chose a life partner who was steady, reliable and straightforward (because that's exactly what I needed.) We've been together for 20 years and we're very happy.

It's totally possible to have a happy life after childhood bereavement - but you need to have grieved properly and not have buried the pain as some do. You also need to have a good understanding of how the trauma has impacted you so you can share your needs with a partner.

I hope this is your guy, OP. If you are dealing with someone who is repressing things, it'll be challenging.

Hope that helps! Good luck!

I lost my dad when I was 13. Your friend is being massively judgemental. If you've never experienced losing a parent as a child, you have no idea what it's like. And even if someone has experienced it, no two experiences are the same.

Her partner works with this man now and she says he’s not had a relationship longer than a year and that he will ‘no doubt have underlying issues after what happened’

Well - she doesn’t really know anything more about him than you do, and probably less. She was at school with you so just knows the 13-year-old version. Her partner works with him and says he’s never had a long-term relationship- presumably that’s true but she doesn’t know why, she’s just basing that on the outdated knowledge of him. I very much doubt he’s shared his innermost feelings on the death of his mum and how it affects his relationships with a bloke at work.

So just take it as you find it. You can find out why he thinks his relationships haven’t lasted - if indeed it’s true- and go from there. Would be pretty unfair to write him off just because his mum died and your mate’s boyfriend says...

His losing a mum young is neither here nor there. His having never had a serious relationship at 40 is something you need to understand a little more with him.

My mum lost her dad when she was 12. She and my dad were married for over 40 years. She didn't speak much about her father, in fact she never actually told us how he died even when I asked her she just said things like he hadn't been well for a while. Only after she died did we find out he had taken his own life and she had been the first to find him.

Your friend is a judgemental twat tbh.

How do you explain all the bellend men who haven’t lost a parent? Ridiculous.

I lost a parent at primary age. I am the most emotionally stable of all my friends. I have the most successful relationship history of all my friends.

By the same measure you should also avoid men whose parents divorced.
You must only date men from perfect backgrounds whose parents have been happily married for 30 years and over.

People who have lost parents young may well have unresolved trauma but lots and lots of people have unresolved trauma for many many reasons.

Perhaps he does have commitment issues but that could just be his personality- I know lots of ppl with commitment issues who haven’t experienced loss at a young age.

So your pal's boyfriend works with this chap and you're taking her word as absolute gospel on this? obviously they will have all the inside track on his entire emotional life ... er, no.

She sounds judgemental and also rather immature and not very emotionally intelligent to make such assumptions about him. Everyone's experience of loss is different and I'm sure he's had plenty time between 13 and 40 to work on the issues or trauma the loss of his Mum has caused.

no doubt have underlying issues after what happened’

This is rubbish said by someone who just doesnt understand (im guessing). Loosong a parent when younger doesnt automatically mean you're fucked up for life. I think your friend was really out of order here.

I'd be steering clear of the friend, not the man. What a stupid opinion.

I was 15 and my brother was 12 when our mum died. Both of us have issues stemming from it but it was more because of what happened afterwards rather than her death. Our alcoholic father met someone else and basically left us to raise ourselves with little support. We are both quite well functioning adults now although, like I said, not without our problems.

Your friend sounds very ignorant and judgy, my DD15 is going to lose her dad to cancer this year and I’d hate for her to be judged like this as she goes forward in life.