To want to be ‘saved’ for once

[Moonme]

I feel like I’ve spent my whole life being other people’s crutches and going above and beyond to help friends and family when they needed me. I’m really good at taking charge of situations and making things easier and better for other people.
I’ve had some really difficult times myself but I think because I project as being so capable and strong people don’t think I need them in the same way I’ve done for others.
After this year I’m really burnt out and tired. I had a baby just after the first lockdown and homeschooled two others so just feel like I need someone to ‘scoop’ me up a bit.
Even my DM doesn’t seem to realise how frazzled and exhausted I am. I’ve helped her in so many challenging situations to the point I’ve moved in with her when she needed me. I know it’s hard with lockdown etc but she hasn’t even offered to batch cook some food etc which I’ve done for her in the past.
I know some of it’s my own fault because I seem like I’m doing fine but I’d really like to be on the end of the ‘care’ I’ve given others over the years.
Not that I gave it to receive it, but just feeling sorry for myself that in my times of need (not just now) I haven’t had the reciprocation I’ve given others.
Anyone else feel like this?

And I know some people might say you need to ask for it but I’ve given it to others without them needing to ask

You really sound at the end of your tether.

What do your friends and family say when you ask them for help?

No, but I learned very early in life that you don't make friends by doing favours - you make friends by accepting favours.

Time to recalibrate, OP. Start going 'above and beyond' for yourself. All those people you help? It'll do them good to learn some self reliance.

Ah. Cross post. Well, your second post answers my question.

By your own admission, you project an air of being in control and a coper. Now, if you want help, you are going to have to ask for it. You are allowed to ask to have your needs met. Feeling upset because people can't read your mind is a futile waste of your time.

Just ask.

@Hotcuppatea

Ah. Cross post. Well, your second post answers my question.

By your own admission, you project an air of being in control and a coper. Now, if you want help, you are going to have to ask for it. You are allowed to ask to have your needs met. Feeling upset because people can't read your mind is a futile waste of your time.

Just ask.

Great post.

@Hotcuppatea thanks for your post, my friends and family don’t have to ask because part of the ‘care’ is understanding that they might need that help at the time. Asking feels like I’m having to do the work that they don’t have to do when I offer help to them.

And I’m really not being a martyr I’m happy to give it to them but I’d also like to have it in return

Moonme
"And I know some people might say you need to ask for it but I’ve given it to others without them needing to ask"

I hear you OP

Its hard asking though isn't it?
I can read people really well and can anticipate them needing help without being asked. Trouble is, I expect the same back from them. And when its not forthcoming I get upset and hurt.
I suspect you're the same @Moonme

Guess we need to learn to speak up.

"No, but I learned very early in life that you don't make friends by doing favours - you make friends by accepting favours. Time to recalibrate, OP. Start going 'above and beyond' for yourself"

A very good piece of advice @Whetstone... change of perspective required. Having to learn this too in midlife.

But if everyone’s accepting favours then who is doing the favours?!

Well, no one

"But if everyone’s accepting favours then who is doing the favours?!

Not you from now on!

I have to learn this too, so I understand OP why its so against our nature...

I think you need to make it clear that your struggling. If you've always projected a calm and collected front then I think people do struggle to project that image onto the one you've created.

I'm sorry you're feeling like this and that there isn't anyone who has stepped up to help but give them all one more chance to help by letting them know you need it first.

If it helps think of it this way. Your children need you to be well, so you need to do them a favour and ask for help. Do it for them as well as yourself.

@Moonme

But if everyone’s accepting favours then who is doing the favours?!

It's not mutually exclusive. Most people aren't givers or all takers- they're a mix of both. That's what most mature adult relationships are comprised of; give and take.

You sound as though you hold a belief that if you have to ask for something, it holds less value. This is usually a defence mechanism from childhood and often comes about because we were shamed for having needs/asking for support when we were young.

It really is OK to ask. And I bet that the friends you've been helping all this time will feel glad to have the chance to reciprocate if tell them you need their support this time.

That sounds really hard, my love. Honestly, when I need help I sometimes just ask my friends/family. Very explicitly. People are usually happy to help but just hadn't thought of it.

If you were my friend and you always gave off the air of doing fine it wouldn’t even cross my mind to batch cook for you. It’s one thing to be a martyr but another to pretend you’re fine when you’re not. Be honest with people

I'm like you and it leads to a life of disappointment, I feel left out in the cold when I actually need people and I go out of my way for others and always check in and make sure they are ok.

During this pandemic I've been very sick and hospitalised a few times and have now decided who my friends really are and the ones I can carry on making effort for and it's a sum total of two people, one is my DH and the other is a male friend I've had for 5 years.

I finally asked for help on a local forum as we had to isolate quickly back in the early part of the pandemic and total strangers showed us more care and compassion than long term friends.

I'm so sorry you are struggling but keep some of that kindness for yourself and make sure you only give a certain amount.

There is a lovely video showing this I'll find it and share for you now.

OP, I’d be rich if I had a pound for everyone who’s said that on here. In your shoes, I’d be asking myself some serious questions. Why is ‘being other people’s crutches’ and riding to the rescue so central to your sense of yourself? What need does it fulfil in you? Because it does fulfil some need, conscious or unconscious.

And given that you say you didn’t do it for reciprocation, and that you don’t expect other people to be mind-readers, why are you so resentful of them not somehow seeing through you as the eternal rescuer? Why can’t you ask? And what would become of your sense of self if you no longer rescued people?

If I had a friend who always seemed to have everything under control and was apparently doing fine, I'd be reluctant to offer specific help in case it looked like I was implying they weren't as competent and capable as they clearly like to appear; I wouldn't want to too strongly contradict their self-image in case they felt undermined. I'd be trying to respect their independence and allow them to maintain their self-respect, so would probably stick to creating the odd gentle opening for them, like "So how's everything going with the baby?" but I would leave it up to them to walk through that opening, if you see what I mean. Is it possible you're missing the openings?

If you are seen as a coper then it is unlikely anyone will notice you need help unless you ask for it. How are you so surrounded by people who need all this support? I wonder of your own needs are met by helping others and so it isn't a reciprocal thing. I think you are going to have to be open about not being as bullet proof as you appear , people generally are focused on themselves I am afraid.

So much good advice on this thread actually. I'm like you @Moonme. And sometimes I think I'm too good at helping people as I genuinely enjoy it. Then when people don't notice I need the same help back I'm hurt. But its so hard asking, I notice really easily when others need help so why can't they notice me?!?
But I guess we're all wired different.

my friends and family don’t have to ask because part of the ‘care’ is understanding that they might need that help at the time. Asking feels like I’m having to do the work that they don’t have to do when I offer help to them.

It’s different personalities.

I notice when people are struggling too. I like to help before people need to ask, because I know things would have to be really bad for me to ask. But I also know that not everybody is like me. Some people are amazing at helping but don’t pick up the cues, or don’t want to intrude: and you won’t get help from that type of person if you don’t ask.

You are being a bit of a martyr if you want help and have people who would help but you won’t ask for it because you don’t make them ask for it. That only makes sense if you suspect that people know you need help but don’t want to do it, and so won’t unless you outright ask.

Just ask if you need help with something. My husband family can be like this they all run around helping each other but expecting physic abilities from others to work out what they want help with themselves. It's exhausting and I'm busy and tired so not going to randomly do extra things in case it's what's they want help with.
My family ask outright for help they need and it's much easier to deal with.