Really worried about my daughter’s mental health

[Blyatiful]

She’s been at university since October, there on and off due to Covid, currently all online, so she is living in London with DH. I’m overseas for work, and DH would normally be with me, but he has stayed in London to be with DD2, so she’s not on her own.

Since October two people on her course have committed suicide. She is on a downward spiral of despair, but is “too anxious” to either register with a doctor or see anyone (she has had poor mental health since she was sexually assaulted before she did her GCSEs, which got worse when it went to court snd he got off). DH doesn’t seem to be taking it seriously. I am stuck here and would need to quarantine if I went back to London. The alternative is for DH and DD to come out here, as they wouldn’t have to self-isolate, everything is open, and life is fairly normal. DD could study online here, Covid risk is low, and she could have a vaccine anyway. But neither of them want to. I don’t know what to do. I can’t force her to go to the doctor and I can’t call them for her - they won’t speak to me anyway as she is 19. I am seriously worried about her but feel helpless.

Anyone?

I would go home and quarantine. Nothing would stop me being with my daughter.

I agree I'd go home as a matter of urgency OP.
If your husband is unable to take this seriously I'd be there in a heartbeat.
Wishing you all well x

Poor dove

I feel so sorry for this year’s students! I’m lucky I graduated in 2019, I can’t imagine how isolating her experience is

Here’s hoping she gradually starts to feel better as restrictions ease and life becomes more normal. If she doesn’t want to see her GP, can you arrange something privately for her? You tend to get faster help privately regardless

Go home if you can, but part of her downward spiral might be related to the situation she’s currently in, ie the pandemic, grief, past trauma. Your presence will help but may have a limited effect. She really needs medical help

I would go home and get private help for her immediately.

@cerseii thank you. I have spoken to her sister and DH. Her sister said she has been affected badly by the deaths of her coursemates, has too much work and can’t cope with the pressure. She is also missing her London friends. I have told DH that he needs to get her some help, and he needs to speak to her - another one of her complaints to DD1 is that he doesn’t listen.

I am going to try and get back but flights are infrequent and get cancelled at the last minute, even via the big hubs like Frankfurt snd Vienna.

Just try as hard as you can to get back to her. Never mind quarantine or whatever. Just go. You're her mum.

You could try taking some of the pressure of her by giving her support if she needs to defer her course. This will free up some head space and give her time to get the help she needs.

Does her university have a student welfare system or department?
I have a DD who has MH issues. Luckily for us, she’s doing ok ATM, but it took a lot of nagging before she registered with a GP to get a new prescription for her medication.
If I can help in any way, please send me a private message. I could be in London in a couple of hours

While you can't arrange medical care for her, it is probably more accessible to contact the university's pastoral system and let them know the situation and you concerns for her well being.

While you are getting back I would alert the University welfare department and her course tutor, and does she have any friends you can talk to who can keep checking on her? .

The problem is that she doesn’t really have any friends where she is. She left her previous university after the first year, as it wasn’t delivering what she needed, and started again where she is now. She has been in contact with the pastoral team there, and they were good. I’ll see if she has contacted them again. She has said that her course tutor rarely replies to emails, but I know she has emailed him recently.

I’ve read the riot act to DH this morning, which will hopefully have galvanised him into getting her some help while I look at getting back next week.

@Mydogisagentleman that is so, so kind. Thank you.

I’ve asked here about a long stay visa for her post Brexit, if she wanted to drop out or just have some time here with me, but they have unhelpfully said she can only stay for 90 days.

Right, will try and find a flight for next week now.

It's definitely worth contacting the uni although you may find they won't speak to you without your daughter's permission.

My dd1 has been struggling enormously with her mental health and eventually her uni turned out to be more helpful than forward thinking, who she's been under for years.

She now has a regular meeting with a mental health person from the uni and things have been put in place to take account of her mental health on placements etc.

@TheOriginalNutty thank you. It is a shit time for them all, isn’t it?

(Were you originally Nutcracker? I was on the Let’s get Nutty a new house thread years ago, and often wondered how you were.)

@Blyatiful yes!! That's me

I am really good thank you. Kids are all grown up now. Eldest dd is at uni doing radiography, dd2 starts uni in sept doing psychology and ds is at college doing media.

I'm an administrator for a team of district nurses and I love it although I'm looking to do further training soon .

I don't recognise your name, was it different back then ?

How is your daughter doing now ?

Did you manage to get a flight back?

Hi OP, hopefully you’ll have moved forward with this, but if DD’s personal tutor isn’t responding, maybe email her course leader, or even the head of dept for some support. There may be a welfare tutor within the dept too
(I’m an ex academic/course leader/welfare tutor and have come across a fair few similar cases)
I hope she’s ok