My lecture just now - so upset

[soembarrassedandupset]

I’ve recently (in January) restarted university, I’ve had to join a brand new year, very small class (30) .

Because of covid and zoom I haven’t been able to really meet anyone and don’t know anyone well enough to befriend them, other than yapping in break rooms etc .

My lecturer last week asked the class to form groups for class this week as she’s sick of sorting out breakout rooms .

So using online system, and I joined a group - alone .

Lecturer asked us directly for feedback on this - said would we prefer to always work with our friends? - so I emailed her and explained I felt a bit challenged about choosing a group alone, as I don’t yet have a friend in the group and I feel like a child pleading for someone to be my partner .

I’m feeling very - very stupid - and I know it’s my own confidence issues (I was bullied horrendously at school and work - and find it hard to make friends), and social difficulties (I’m on the spectrum), that have knocked me off a bit and my responsibility to sort .

However my lecturer has take it upon herself to tell the entire class on zoom that someone felt uncomfortable and left out and that ‘they’ should contact student support about their difficulties - and that I was worrying unnecessarily . She told the whole class something that I thought I’d told her in private .

Am I wrong for feeling a bit upset and embarrassed and a total idiot? I’m almost tearful and thinking how much my classmates must be laughing at me . It will be entirely obvious it was me .

Obviously I need to learn from this - firstly not to give lecturer any feedback (asked for or otherwise) but what could have I done better? It sounds like something from bloody primary school, which makes me feel even more stupid .

(They’ve all known each other for two years already, so have established friendship groups etc) .

Poor you; this sounds horrible for you and has definitely been handled very insensitively.

I am sure your classmates will not be laughing at you though; they probably have no idea what she is talking about.

Lecturer definitely dealt with this inappropriately; you have done absolutely nothing wrong so please don't feel at fault. Are there any other tutors on the course who are more approachable that you could talk this through with?

I have no advice sorry - just wanted to say that she did a completely dick move and most people would be feeling exactly the same in your position. She sounds a bit shit tbh, sick of organising break out rooms? Sounds like that’s part of her role! She should be ensuring all activities are inclusive.

Your lecturer was bang out of order making it so public. I would actually make a complaint to the uni, but that might not be the best course of action for you. Maybe a firmly worded email to the lecturer asking that she sorts out proper breakout groups - which she should be doing.

It's hard going into a group where it feels like everyone knows each other.

All I can advise is just grit your teeth, get through the course, and try not to take it personally.

If it's any consolation, I think you sound great and I'd be in a group with you!

Also - massive well done for going back to University and seeking to better yourself. Please don't let this put you off from your goals.

Wow that is extremely unprofessional of her in my opinion and also very unhelpful. I'm sorry you've felt left out, I'm similar to you very quiet and struggle to mix with people. Maybe it would be a good idea to contact student support and explain what has happened and see if they can offer any advice

You have every right to feel incensed by this situation as your lecturer has acted totally unprofessionally. You went to them with a genuine concern and they had a duty to find a suitable solution. They didn't. You should voice your concerns to the university student welfare team or someone in more senior authority (sorry - not too familiar with university hierarchy). It must be dealt with confidentially, otherwise they have contravened the university's strict disclosure policy. I wish you lots of luck with this matter and in your studies.

That sounds really uncomfortable for you. I’d say the lecturer was trying to find a way to say something that didn’t identify you but made the issue clear, though it doesn’t sound as though it was done in a very sensitive way. You definitely won’t be the only person feeling like this in any group even one where people know each other. And Zoom can make it very hard to read all the social cues. Anyone laughing at you isn’t a nice or sensitive person and you wouldn’t want their friendship.

Feeling you can’t trust the lecturer is a big deal. Is there someone else at uni’ you could talk to about this? Do you have a mentor, for example?

Thank you - I was wondering if I’d been in the wrong for giving her feedback . The way in which she worded what she said made it entirely obvious it was me - when you saw the group selection thing you could see that there were like 5 or 6 groups, and then me alone .

I’ve got contact with the most senior lecturer (because when I had to take two years out of uni, she was the one who supported me most) so I might mention to her . The lass in question is teaching for the first time this year so I suppose she’s new to it all too but I’m so gutted that what I thought was private and anonymous communication hasn’t been treated that way .

I have got a mentor actually - she’s a lovely lady, I hadn’t thought of talking this through with her as we usually stick to academic but that could work yes . I never thought of that!

Gosh she's an idiot!! How awful for you.
This is nothing to do with your confidence issues or social difficulties... it's simply that you have joined an online class 2 months ago and never met any of these people, who have all been in a close group together for 2 years.
Even the most confident and outgoing among us would find that awkward to navigate.
In short, it's her, not you. I would be writing a complaint to her for sure, and requesting she not publicise it this time.

Aw this is awful OP and not your fault. I'd be feeling the same.

I am a Uni tutor too. I think it was very unprofessional of the tutor. Surely seeing you were on your own she could have just casually said to one of the groups "oh I'm going to join X into your group so we've got similar numbers" - either at the first session or after your feedback.

My main advice would be to try not to take it to heart too much - it's not a reflection of you personally. Also, I don't know if you are a mature student but I remember being a young undergraduate and in my tutor group there were a few girls my age + 1 older guy. We had to pair up and it was clear no-one wanted to pair with the older guy - I ended up paired with him and felt embarrassed. Looking back I feel really sorry for him - there was nothing whatsoever wrong with him, it's just that at age 18 you're so focussed on fitting in yourself, and anyone over about 20 seems ancient!

Good luck with your degree x

I'm a lecturer and I run small group tutorials similar to what you describe. I am fully aware of the fact that my first years dont know each other in a proper sense so yeah I jusy randomly assign them when we need break out rooms.

I dont understand why its extra effort. It's a combination of like 3 buttons on teams, takes about 20 seconds.
Do you have a tutor you can talk to?

Sorry you're feeling like this, it must be horrible. But, why didn't you just join one of the existing groups?

I’m a lecturer, I always randomly assign groups, it’s literally just a few clicks. She has been very unprofessional and I would think that it would be appropriate to make a complaint.

She meant well but got it wrong. Social clutz. Not perfect.
IOW, normal.

Maybe if you could  accept and move on from  other people's imperfections and  social clumsiness you wouldn't feel so  self conscious and anxious  about your own?

I am about to rejoin a new cohort at uni to finish my degree, I feel your anxiety I could have written your post. My lecturer however has gone above and beyond to make sure people from the group email me before I start introducing themselves, that I'm added to the group chat, that I am "buddied" with one of the more outspoken of the group and I could not thank her enough. As an anxious person, who had to take 2 year out to recover from anorexia caused by anxiety, the little things make a huge difference. You did nothing wrong. You are MEANT to give feedback. But uni is different to school, nobody will be laughing at you and that I can promise. Speak to student support and raise these concerns about your lecturer there.