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Original poster

Just want to tell someone that I'm sad today

11 replies

StealthBoaster · 12/03/2021 10:14

Three years ago today I discovered I was pregnant. It was a surprise as we had been trying for years to have a sibling for our DS but despite IVF and our hardest efforts, it didn't happen.

The timing was bad - we were just about to pick up a puppy (baby substitute) which we had planned for months. We took the pragmatic view that there was a good chance that the pregnancy would not stick and so we decided to go ahead.

I started to miscarry in the car as we drove home with our new puppy.

That night I slept on the sofa as planned so that I could be near the puppy. He slept on my stomach as I felt lumps of would-have-been-baby leeching out of me.

I was so scared - it didn't seem serious enough to deserve a hospital visit (people miscarry all the time) but there was a lot of blood and I felt weak. I'm still angry and resentful that DH left me to it. I needed him to take charge of the situation and he didn't.

It doesn't really matter now: it was three years ago. I have my lovely DS. I have my insane but lovely pup. DH and I are rubbing along.

But I am sad. That's all.

OP posts:

LillyLeaf · 12/03/2021 10:20

So sorry you feel like this today. I still think about my miscarriage, both ivf, even though I got my DS in the end. I remember every moment of them. Sorry your DH wasn't supportive at the time. Does he know how you feel?

Topmum66 · 12/03/2021 10:33

That sounds awful how you slept on the sofa alone to deal with pup. I am so sorry about your loss and understand how resentful you must feel toward DH.

Does he have any clue of how you feel? It sounds like you may need to make him aware of it and how you felt at the time.

Topmum66 · 12/03/2021 10:34

I hope you take it easy today and allow yourself to grieve

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RandomMess · 12/03/2021 10:38

That is really sad, very sad that you lost your baby and incredibly sad and hurtful that your DH let you down when you need him so much.

Crayfishforyou · 12/03/2021 10:41

Miljea · 12/03/2021 10:48

A lot of men have no idea about things like miscarriages.

In many cultures, beyond the initial sex, men have all but nothing to do with anything pregnancy or birth related, as that's considered 'wimmins' business', and regard miscarriage as 'one of those things', even something a bit yuk and distasteful.

My DH was supportive enough but certainly would have been no help regarding the nitty-gritty of my miscarriages. He knew I was bleeding heavily, and why one required a D&C, but he would have been no more use than his hand-pat in understanding if my miscarriages had been a huge emotional issue to me, which thankfully, for me,they weren't.

I know I am of the 'just one of those things' attitude towards my miscarriages myself (and both were pre 12 weeks); so maybe I didn't expect my DH to 'step up', I guess; but I am also completely aware that for many, a miscarriage, especially of a longed for, or IVF pregnancy, is a much bigger deal, so I can see why you're sad that your DH wasn't more supportive.

Does he know how you feel?

I hope you feel happier soon.

hippychick11 · 12/03/2021 10:51

I'm so sorry, thinking of you today. Be kind to yourself and do something nice for yourself today

PolloDePrimavera · 12/03/2021 11:03

I'm very, very sorry. I'm an absolute dog lover and your puppy sleeping on your stomach is bringing tears to my eyes x

Original poster

StealthBoaster · 12/03/2021 11:51

@Miljea

A lot of men have no idea about things like miscarriages.

Does he know how you feel?

I hope you feel happier soon.

@Miljea DH isn't so much like that but he is quite distant and unwilling to talk about "feelings" and the like. It's probably my fault as I felt that I should be taking the attitude you described and so downplayed how I felt (until the bleeding got heavier and I started to worry).

OP posts:

Original poster

StealthBoaster · 12/03/2021 11:52

Thank you for the flowers. I mentioned it to DH last year and he looked surprised and said "oh I'd forgotten about that!" Which hurt even more to be honest.

OP posts:

Miljea · 12/03/2021 18:15

Sadly, I'm not (surprised).

As I said earlier, for many men and quite a few women, it is just 'one of those things'.

Because it really is 'different for girls'! I recall once getting really stressed by the high pitched screaming of a baby in a department store, when my two were late-toddler, plus. DH was completely nonplussed; but I explained that the noise was visceral to me, not just 'a bit annoying' as it was to him. I explained how I, as a woman of childbearing age, maybe also also being a mother- was hormonally primed to react to the sound, my inner Neanderthal reacting!

Similarly, the thing you get with letdown in BF- they just can't 'get it' even with the best will in the world.

Your DH had probably not understood the crazy hormones raging through your early pregnancy body, then the emotional (and physical) pain of your loss- thus how his 'shoulder shrug' feels to you, then and now.

As I said, I wasn't quite 'shruggy' about my miscarriages, but I knew I could get pregnant easily and was of the opinion my body had miscarried for a reason; and both were early pregnancies, too, so I didn't need DH to 'step up', as such, so I don't know how he would have been if the losses had hurt me far more.I might be in your shoes!

I wonder if there is someone you can talk to about it, to help you come to terms with how you're feeling?

💐

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