Feeling like I’m missing the train

[OReli]

I’m feeling a bit left out (not intentionally) by friends but out of life in general, like I’m missing the train but I’m not sure I even want to get that train.

For some context, I’m 33, in my final year of study and hoping to complete a doctorate in a few years. This is my second career, I used to freelance in a creative industry. I have lived in a few different countries (Canada and Australia and am from Ireland). After moving to London 5 years ago, I noticed myself making friends with vey conventional, middle class people who to be honest are very lovely. They all seem to have exactly the same goals which are to get engaged, have a massive wedding, buy a house in the small town they grew up in and have children by the time they are a certain age (usually in that order). I’ve never been like this, my partner and I are together since we were 19, we travelled together, grew up together and although we are now engaged, we are still in no rush to get married and see it as a money waste. We’d rather travel or elope or something. My London friends think we are ‘cute’ but I can tell they think we are also a bit weird. Are we weird? I never thought about any of these conventional milestones until I started making friends with these people. In the other countries we lived in, we had friends from all walks of life, single women in their 30’s and 40’s, struggling actors who also had other interesting side hustles. Our get together would be fun and interesting, we’d talk about different things, career goals, politics, hopes and dreams. Now all my meet ups in London seem to revert back to the same conversations; weddings and babies. I might want a baby in a few years but it’s not my main goal, I still want my career, not a boring 9-5 but a job that I’m passionate about. We may want to buy a house but not necessarily in a small town and it doesn’t have to be big.

Lately I’ve been feeling quite lonely, lockdown hasn’t helped but even before that. It’s like I’m just the odd one out and I want to know where all the 30-something’s are who do not conform and have interesting things to talk about. Are they all grown up or can they just not afford London and live elsewhere?

I think lockdown has a lot to answer for, but when things open up I’d focus on putting yourself in situations where you can meet different people. You’re not weird! You want some variety by the sound of things.

You are not weird but you've really burst my bubble about London!
I am from Dublin and was single at 30, I had friends living in London at the time and their social lives seemed so much more interesting and varied. Like you describe your pre-London life.
I had a plan that if I was still single at 35 I was moving to London as Dublin is still so couple/family centric once you hit your mid thirties.
I can definitely identify with the loneliness feeling from that time.
Endless conversations about houses, weddings, babies and you just have nothing to contribute.
I have lovely friends and they can be great fun but there was definitely a few years where I felt very out of step with people who I always thought got me.
Thankfully once they got married and had the babies they went back to normal and pre-Covid were the ones banning kid talk on nights out.
Are there no people you meet through your studies more on your wavelength?
A few of my friends did PHDs and when I met their grad friends socially they all seemed to have very interesting lives, combining PHD study with running youth theatre or conservation work etc.
No house price talk.

I had friends in London like the earlier ones you describe, mostly met through classes/courses.

Everyone I know in London is the latter creative type! Your friends may be lovely but sound a bit dull, to be honest. We always tease ourselves if we fall into wedding/baby chat. I don't know what the solution is but it sounds like you need a breather, a break when we're allowed to travel or whatever. And perhaps a wider social circle (classes/clubs etc, although I know that can be easier said than done).

But you're not missing any train! One of my good friends is single (mid 30s) and jokes that she's waiting for the first round of divorcees to come through. Not everyone follows the same path –it's just that one seems conventional as you're surrounded by people on it right now.

Thanks for your responses so far!

@M0rT are you still planning to come to London at 35? Maybe it’s just me but London doesn’t strike me as somewhere to be single. I thought it was going to be all artsy, cool types but in fact what I’ve noticed is it’s mostly wealthy people who try to be ‘cool’ by living in up and coming area like shoreditch or brixton. It’s also extremely hard to socialise, prelockdown I had to plan almost a month in advance to meet my friends usually an hour away on the other side of London. Bear in mind none of them have kids yet so can only imagine what it will be like when we do start to procreate. It’s also extremely expensive here, in Toronto I used to go out 3-4 evenings a week even just for dinner or coffee. Going out casually costs so much here that I’d be lucky to afford one night a month. However, if you have a good paying job and like fancy type nights out then you’ll have a different experience to me who likes a cheap and cheerful lifestyle.

As for meeting people through university, I haven’t been going in physically in the last year due to covid but maybe after. The thing is I think I will be working from home in my role after this degree so that won’t help the social situation. I like working from home but it can be lonely.

Also it seems that many people are talking about leaving London and going back their hometown, in a year or two I don’t think I’ll have any friends left here at all which scares me.

@OReli I'm 40 and married now so my London dreams have faded!
The friends I had in London were all in very well paid jobs, so midweek dinners and weekend gigs were accessible to them.
That's why I had a 5 year deadline at 30, give me time to get promoted!
I can well imagine it's much less accessible without the funds and I do remember they just seemed to take endless tube trips for granted on nights out.
Do you & your partner have to stay there?
If you will be working from home and your friendship group are talking about moving and it's tight financially would it make sense to move elsewhere?
I have health problems now so international moves aren't on the cards but I was seriously looking at Berlin a few years ago, had applied for an internal work transfer when my DHs job changed and I had to pull out.
Galway/Westport also options, lovely places and definitely get the creative types there.

We do someone’s think we’ll move back to ireland, I’m from dublin too, although I’m open to other areas. At times I think it’s better to be doing ok in a big city than to be wealthy in a small town/city. I think we’ll only know in a year or two whether we can move as we are both trying to figure out careers still and whether we want children etc.