Help, 36 weeks and mental health deteriorating

[Soontobemumoftwo]

I had a miscarriage in May and fell pregnant again in July. I'm due in less than 4 weeks but I'm so agitated and angry. I've a 17 month old thats decided she no longer wants to sleep so I'm getting so angry and pissy at her cause bedtime every night is an hour long battle then she's up like 4 hours later and I've to do it all over again. In complete agony and having to try and lift her with spd because its a screaming match if my partner tries, she won't even let him in her room so he can't do anything. Feel like I'm just done and that I've been pregnant for basically a year bar the month after the miscarriage so I'm just fed up. I'm thankful that I was able to have this baby after the one I lost but now I'm wondering why I got pregnant because mentally (not to sound selfish) I cant cope. I sometimes wish I would go to bed and not wake up because its another day of pain and tidying up and running after a 1 year old who may aswell be on suicide watch because she literally has no fear and is forever hurting herself.

Sorry for ranting on, don't know who to talk to cause my dp has it constantly down his throat and my mums response is "thats just pregnancy" which pisses me off too.

I am miserable and sore and wish this baby would just hurry up and the thought of 6 more weeks of this makes me genuinely want to kms as horrible as that makes me sound.

I had a horrible first pregnancy with preeclampsia and had to be induced at 39 weeks with my dd but I wasn't anywhere near this sore or uncomfortable and I was still very active up until she was born. This pregnancy I just feel stuck to the sofa with literally no energy feeling sorry for myself yet there's no complications or problems.

Just with it would end, I'm miserable and have googled everything and even considered the most extreme things but because I lost a baby I won't risk anything with this one. Sometimes just get so angry at my 1 year old I'd love to knock her out (which I'm not going to do before anyone reports me 😂 I'm just looking to rant about her, I actually love her when she behaves) then I get mum guilt that I'm not doing enough for her and I've spent the whole day telling her off so I'm at a loss. Like I said I just wish I could go to bed and not wake up until this is all over at least. I'm getting next to no sleep with my 1 year old and cause my partner works I'm on my own all day in pain and eyes banging together...

Basically my mental health is deteriorating big time and there's nothing I can do because I'm this huge elephant with a baby that will probably stay there until 42 weeks where I will probably perform my own version of a c section by that stage 😅 (not literally) help i can't get through these last 4 weeks

Really sympathise - toddler age is really hard. Perhaps talk to midwife about it. Would send in g toddler to nursery a couple of days/afternoons a week help (catch up with sleep, rest)?

You poor thing. I found being pregnant with my second much much worse than having a newborn and a toddler. It’s so tough.

Please please tell your midwife. They will take it seriously and support you. They will make sure you have more support when the new baby is here to check in on how your mental health is.

Thank you, I've never even suffered with mental health before, this is all new to me and I don't know if its just lack of sleep or the fact I'm in so much pain and still having to run around after a 1 year old, unfortunately where I am there's no nursery's for her age and I cant afford a childminder as dp was out of work for 2 months after a burn accident on his face in work. Last week I was having every symptom of going into labour, even painful contractions and then the past few days there's been nothing so think that sort of built me up then knocked me back down which doesn't help.

Just feeling sorry for myself I guess and hanging onto the hope that I'll be able to run after dd again once this is all over. I'm so thankful for my daughter and this baby but it is so hard.

I'm a high risk pregnancy too so going every few weeks for growth scans and they found her head to be 2 weeks behind and they still haven't discussed with me what that could mean so that has me extremely anxious too. I cant go to my mum for support because she thinks I've had these babies too close together (both were planned) and that its my own fault because 2 young children are hard. Its not that my 1 year old is hard shes just mental and never sleeps (shes currently in a waiting list to be tested for autism and adhd as it runs in her dads side)

I'm really sorry you're feeling this way. I think one really important solution is that your partner needs to step up. Doing bedtimes, dealing with the night wakings, if possible taking a couple days off to be at home to support you so you can rest and being completely hands on all weekend so you can have a break and take a break.

The reality with two is that, assuming there are two parents at home, your partner will have to take on a significant amount of the parenting of your older one. Dh did pretty much all cooking and mealtimes, bathtime (which he already did anyway), bedtime and all night wakings with our older one when 2nd came along. So your dd may get upset, but it's something they both need to adjust to because you won't be able to be in two places at once when the new baby comes and it's better to transition everyone now to the new normal. If you were both back to work, which many people are at this age, he would have to be doing these things anyway as you wouldn't necessarily be around or you wouldn't be able to do all the nighttime parenting because you'd need to function at work the next day.

Do talk to your midwife, but also make sure you are having sufficient rest time at home. If he presumably is off all weekend, then he can be the go to parent from this evening until Monday morning to give you a good long break.

Dp is only working 4 days a week at the minute to help as much as possible, thankfully he does the cleaning, dinner, washing, bathtime, playtime etc but at night dd just clings to me unfortunately, daytime thankfully she goes to him but nights its just me and I can get her settled in an hour but if he went in we'd both be up all night which is unfair when he does have to work. He's a keyworker so unfortunately doesn't have the luxury of taking time off and he's exhausted too but does pull his weight and more. Plus he takes alot of abuse off me when I get hormonal

Also should add, dp isn't my daughters dad, he goes above and beyond as a stepdad but there's only so much he can really do, nighttime especially was always just me and dd before he came along so that's what she's used to, unfortunately children who do have autism etc its hard to shift their routine without meltdowns as we have tried everything.

I'm sorry your mum is so unsupportive, OP, but it's great that your DP is. I would just try to do the bare minimum to get through the days and allow your DP to catch up on things in the evenings.

There is often a sleep regression around 18 months so hopefully that will ease off for you soon. Would you consider safe cosleeping as a possible way of getting more rest? Can your partner get up with her in the mornings so you have a lie in?

I would definitely talk with your midwife, if you feel you need some professional support with your mental health then she should be able to help you access it. There are antidepressants that are safe in pregnancy and breastfeeding that may help to take the edge off for you so that things are easier to cope with

Hi OP, have you spoken to your midwife or GP about how you are feeling? Please consider asking them to make a referral to your local Perinatal Mental Health team. These nurse practitioners are professionals at working with women whose mental health deteriorates specifically during pregnancy or in the first few weeks post-natal, so may be able to give you help and coping strategies.

Sorry to hear it's so tough for you. The small head could be a blessing because they would possibly have to induce you a couple of weeks early in which case you would only have a couple more weeks to go. Try to look forward to having your little baby in your arms to help you get through it.

sending massive hugs to you! I’m 36 weeks tomorrow and have a 3 year old DS. My DH works 9-5 wfh, but on calls all day with clients etc so help is limited. My mum is massively unsupportive too “oh well such are the joys of having children” 🙄

Some things I do with my DS (appreciate they might not work with a younger one) but:

Plan activities that are messy but easy to clean - I always say “dry mess only” haha, if it can’t go up a Hoover I’m not interested. I got a tuff tray and Chuck some oats and flour in it and leave him to it while I cry on the ball and drink tea

My DS will sit and watch tv, so if your little one will sit through anything, I put him in bed next to me with the iPad on and a small bowl of snacks and have a doze for an hour or so. Appreciate that will only work if she sits and watches... I literally have zero recollection of that age 🙈

Snacks. All day.

We do daytime baths (alas, they have never relaxed him for bed!) but they burn a good hour

My DS didn’t start sleeping any better until he was 2, and if I’d been pregnant too I would be feeling exactly as you do. (Tbh I wasn’t pregnant and felt close to the edge, lack of sleep is an utter bitch)

Please do reach out to your midwife about how you’re feeling.

The last few weeks of pregnancy are shite, and seem to take 100x longer than the rest of the pregnancy put together 😭

I honestly feel your pain. I'm 36 weeks. My daughter is 19 months. It's very hard work. I can't get close enough to the cot to comfortably get her in and out. She mostly (very luckily) sleeps well at night. Though naps are a daily battle. We've had many ups and downs with sleep while I've been pregnant which have been very stressful.

Have you tried both doing bedtime routine together? You and your partner? And gradually phasing you out. That's what we did. DD was very clingy to me due to being breastfed till 13 months. We've worked really hard to make sure she's happy with DH putting her to bed. As I won't be able to do it all the time when new baby is here.