Child has lost all confidence and calls himself stupid

[AlPacino]

I feel really sad tonight.
My 10 year old had a rough time with an out of control boy who kept assaulting him at his old school, so we moved him to a local village school which is much better.
He was only there for3 months before the first covid lockdown.
Since being there his confidence in his abilities has plummeted. He is in a class with an unusual number of extremely high achievers, and is constantly upset about how much they write in English versus how much he can come up with, and how a lot of them finish their maths early and go on to extension sheets, while he is still working.
It did seem to me that when he originally changed schools that some of the work at this school was pitched much harder- the daily fluency sheets looked baffling even to me as an adult and we were regularly told ‘some of these sums are years ahead of year 4 so don’t worry if you can’t do them!’ But of course a number of kids in his class can.
His most recent school report before Christmas showed a drop down in how well he had done and that he is ‘below the expected standard’. That was the first time that has happened.
We got him a maths and English tutor to try and boost his confidence and give him some help, but tonight he was in floods of tears again about how much the other kids wrote at school today and how he feels like ‘the dumb one’.
I’m so sad for him and I don’t know what to do. Please help.

Is it his writing speed, or understanding how to construct a sentence/story?

I think it’s the latter.

Talk to the teacher.

I don’t know if you’re familiar with the concept of a “growth mindset”. There’s lots of info and ideas if you google the term.

Giving praise and credit for sticking with it, trying, working hard, doing your best is much more important and effective than focusing on how many answers you get right/ how fast you can do it.

In fact in studies where dc are praised for their intelligence vs their work effort, the ones praised for intelligence are less likely to even try to solve hard problems than those who have been praised for trying hard.

Extra tuition might be counter productive. And at ten I’d be prioritising play over anything else.

The word “yet” is very powerful at undermining negative self talk.
Dc: I can’t do this
Dp: yet. You can’t do it yet.

I came on to say the same as PP about the growth mindset - OP, please watch Carol Dweck’s TED Talk on this as soon as you can and you will feel much better. She has written excellent books but the TED talk is a great starting point

It is all very well to talk about a 'growth' mindset but what does that mean to a 10 year old who is down on his abilities. I am not saying to not talk to him about being positive, just that it is not a flick of a switch thing or magic cure. So much of this is down to personality.

Why do we expect children to develop at the same rate.

OP, does the school have sets. I agree with another poster to talk to the teacher.

Oh dear it is a hard lesson in life ! Have you over praised him previously? What other things is he doing (would be doing except covid) where he can achieve ? I would talk to the teacher and find out where he is at , reassure him we all develop differently and are good at different things. I guess if he is determined to put lots on extra work in he might pull up his grades. Did he not cover some of the work at his old school so feels behind? Sympathise with him so he knows you are listening .

Is there anything else going on? Being excluded when trying to make friends etc?

I agree with the posters discussing growth mindset, although there are various names for this approach. We tried really hard with ours to focus on 'process not output' so loads of praise for concentration, or rewriting/redrawing, or self-correcting and less focus on the test score itself.

I would talk to the teacher too.

I wonder if he's just feeling crap, rather than it being about that specifically. He's had a horrible time. I would also focus on playing, out of school activities, friendships, fun, non-school achievements.

Is there a hobby you and he could do together where he could develop a feeling of competence? My children all do craft and at bad times it is great to look at something you made. Cooking, gardening, art, origami all offer the same satisfaction of improving, completing, learning.

My DD is ten too. She's bright but not a high achiever. I am convinced however, that she is a special person who is capable of living a happy and fulfilling life.

I've had lots of chats with DD about the fact there are, what, nearly 8 billion people on the planet. None of the kids in her school are the brightest on the planet or the stupidest. But right now, there's a handful of ten year olds out there who, one day, will do something incredible and, just looking at their English or maths work today will NOT tell you which ones they are.

Each of us is unique. Which, really, is incredible when you stop and think about it.

I've spent time looking with DD at lots of true stories of people who have succeeded. Through luck. Nearly always there is luck involved. And Effort and perseverance.

Stories of people who didn't "find their thing" til late in life are fun. Stories of amazing accomplishment that doesn't rely on academic prowess. Sporting heroes. Explorers and artists and Inventors and activists and leaders and entrepreneurs. Kids who've made a fortune on YouTube or gaming.

Stories of really quite minor accomplishment that have made a difference or done something new. Stories of people who care. Or just happy people who live life in an unusual but interesting way.

Your DS needs a big shot of perspective to lift him up and away. The "now" feels quite horrid, but if he can get through this then better times will come.

And all the high achievers at the village school, they all have to realise they are clever, but smarts won't necessarily get them where they want to be. It's attitude, grit, personality, luck, a nose for an opportunity, a willingness to have a go and take a risk.

So tell DS to dry those tears of frustration and stop comparing yourself to other people. Find some nice friends first off, that is important. The school work, it really isn't the be all and end all.

@SillyOldMummy

My DD is ten too. She's bright but not a high achiever. I am convinced however, that she is a special person who is capable of living a happy and fulfilling life.

I've had lots of chats with DD about the fact there are, what, nearly 8 billion people on the planet. None of the kids in her school are the brightest on the planet or the stupidest. But right now, there's a handful of ten year olds out there who, one day, will do something incredible and, just looking at their English or maths work today will NOT tell you which ones they are.

Each of us is unique. Which, really, is incredible when you stop and think about it.

I've spent time looking with DD at lots of true stories of people who have succeeded. Through luck. Nearly always there is luck involved. And Effort and perseverance.

Stories of people who didn't "find their thing" til late in life are fun. Stories of amazing accomplishment that doesn't rely on academic prowess. Sporting heroes. Explorers and artists and Inventors and activists and leaders and entrepreneurs. Kids who've made a fortune on YouTube or gaming.

Stories of really quite minor accomplishment that have made a difference or done something new. Stories of people who care. Or just happy people who live life in an unusual but interesting way.

Your DS needs a big shot of perspective to lift him up and away. The "now" feels quite horrid, but if he can get through this then better times will come.

And all the high achievers at the village school, they all have to realise they are clever, but smarts won't necessarily get them where they want to be. It's attitude, grit, personality, luck, a nose for an opportunity, a willingness to have a go and take a risk.

So tell DS to dry those tears of frustration and stop comparing yourself to other people. Find some nice friends first off, that is important. The school work, it really isn't the be all and end all.

Love this SillyOldMummy

Thank you for your suggestions everybody. He has friends at his new school who he plays online Minecraft with and football with at school, but because he has only had four terms at the school in total he doesn’t feel properly settled and involved yet.

He goes to a youth football club which he adores, and his skills did come along a lot which he was proud of, but again that’s got knocked out by covid

He’s not much of an arty or crafty person, but he does like baking (mainly so he can eat it! ). I’ll suggest we make this weekend a baking weekend with new recipes so he can absorb himself in something and hopefully feel a sense of achievement.

I will have the chat with him as suggested above about how academic brilliance isn’t a guarantee of anything and I’ll suggest people he knows like YouTube gamers and comedians as evidence of that. Also footballers and his own dad who has an enviable job despite not doing great at school.

I think his stammer also really lowers his confidence. We are awaiting another round of speech therapy but so far their suggestions haven’t really clicked with him.

SillyOldMummy, that is such a great post.

Sit and chat to him about this www.verywellmind.com/gardners-theory-of-multiple-intelligences-2795161