Please please can someone tell me how I can know what’s reasonable and how to assert myself?

[Whatset]

I have always fitted in with partners. That’s not to say that they’ve not done kind things for me or supported me, but it’s always always always me who compromises. For example I would never ask someone to be with me at a difficult appointment (I’d wait to see if they offered), I’d never feel ok being unwell and looked after for more than a day, I’d automatically think a relationship would end if I was too dependent in any way. I don’t know how to say that something isn’t ok with me or that I’m uncomfortable about part of a relationship.

Current example is a relatively new DP of 6 months. He has a week off work next week and last weekend I asked if he was thinking of us meeting in the week as I could take a day off (usually only see each other at weekends). He said he wasn’t sure as he had plans to see his family and didn’t know when he would be back. I said ok but would be nice to see him that week at some point, and said I wasn’t giving him an ultimatum about how often we meet. His response was that he thought it would be reasonable to give him an ultimatum and he’d understand if that was important to me. I just shrugged this off and said let’s just meet at the weekend when you’re sure you’ll be back.

I’m not ok with him not seeing me over a week of annual leave - he could come back Friday for example, if he does stay the whole week with family. But I always wonder if I am being demanding or unreasonable so I just let these things go. It’s not a problem with him, it’s me, I’ve always been like this.

How do I assert myself more? How do I know if it’s reasonable to asset myself in any given scenario? It’s so strange as I’m not like this at work, I manage over 60 people! I am always worried about rocking the boat I think. I hate it.

Sorry you've had no replies, posting to bump this a bit for you. Your issue def seems to be knowing when it's reasonable to assert yourself within a relationship, clearly at work you feel comfortable knowing what your team's jobs are and so can tell them when/what you want them to do and for some reason you don't feel able to do that in your personal life - have you got healthy models or previous experiences of when you've seen people give each other good support or received good support as a benchmark?

Also, I think something to remember is that even if your 'ask' of your partner is something he thinks is unreasonable, or even something most people/MN relationships board would say is unreasonable, it's still perfectly OK to ask, what matters is not kicking off or going all sulky if told no - I honestly feel I could ask my DH for pretty much anything (perhaps short of assisting me in a murder or similar ), and while he might not always agree to do whatever I want, he would never be annoyed at me for asking. I think that should be normal in a long term relationship, in any healthy relationship you should be able to discuss things, communicate your expectations and come to compromises. And this isn't solely your responsibility to manage, so you shouldn't have to tiptoe around 'just in case' you upset him the whole time. So I don't really know why you made the comment about the ultimatum (and sounds like your DP doesn't either), why would you assume a simple suggestion that sounds perfectly pleasant could possibly be seen as an ultimatum? Surely the conversation could have gone: 'Hey DP you're off next week, want to meet up one day?' 'Yes lovely' OR 'No sorry I have plans with my family all week' OR 'Not sure let me get back to you', why did it have to leap straight to talk of ultimatums, were you afraid that if you said you needed to know direct with no apology or hedging, he'd go 'OMG why are you pressuring me to meet up with you, how disgusting of you' and if so why did you think that, do you have past experiences of partners where that was what would have happened? If so that's on them not you. Most people are sometimes unreasonable with their partner without it descending into hideous arguments and break-ups, after all a loving relationship should be a safe place and it's OK to sometimes ask for more from your partner and sometimes be told, 'hey you're being unreasonable and asking too much of me me here' without it being a big crisis or anything...

I know it gets trotted out all the time on here and counselling isn't the answer to everything but I wonder if this might be something you want to talk through with a trained person who might help you work out what's going on and some strategies to help?

I agree with the above and would add that sometimes the other person needs to feel wanted and that by holding back you are doing them a disservice. No talk of ultimatums (a bit aggressive) but ask for/suggest what it is you'd like and then be OK with the answer - your BF might have been chuffed to know how much you wanted to spend time with him.

YY Billandben, thinking about it I think it might be less about being assertive OP and more about letting yourself be vulnerable? It's kind of hard to put yourself out there and ask for things, knowing you might be turned down, whether that's 'want to come over this weekend' all the way through to 'will you come to this horrible appointment with me' or 'will you marry me and have my babies?' . But the thing is if you protect yourself forever by never asking, or shrouding every question in a protective layer of 'don't worry it doesn't matter if you say no, no pressure' it ends up either seeming like you don't care when clearly you do care and it does matter (and actually even the simple things like 'do you want to come over' can be really hurtful if repeatedly turned down) OR, worst case it can actually inadvertently come across as passive aggressive if you always frame things in a way of 'do you want to come over? I mean probably you don't, why would you, you must have better things to do, why would you want to spend time with me anyway, never mind, little old me doesn't matter....' even if that's only your internal monologue and not expressed explicitly it will transmit to your loved ones (I know first hand, my DM does it to me repeatedly!) and that's not very nice for the recipient!

So maybe that's how you need to frame it in your own mind, it's not about being aggressive/assertive, after all this isn't work and no-one should be 'managing' the relationship, it's about being honest and open with yourself and your boyfriend/partner?