Why do I feel like this? Pregnant friend

[BeingATwatItsABingThing]

DD2 took 13 cycles to conceive and was born in September. My friend (I’ve been friends with her since we were about 6) also spent around a year TTC and her DD was born in November. I was genuinely really pleased for her when I found out. She told me today that she’s pregnant again (not planned this time) and I have been feeling really off all day.

Whilst TTC, I found out a few other people that I knew were pregnant and I was overwhelmed with jealousy. TTC changed my outlook on other people’s pregnancies in general. Whilst I was usually really pleased for them before, during that year, I didn’t like who I was becoming but I couldn’t stop the feelings. I avoided people, I couldn’t talk to them about their pregnancies or babies and I couldn’t be pleased for them. Even after I did conceive, my usual feelings didn’t return and I still felt jealousy and upset around other people being pregnant, albeit to a lesser extent, even if I’m pleased for them.

DSIL - who I really like - had her baby last week and the jealousy returned full force! Finding out my friend is pregnant again reinforced it and I can feel the negativity building in me again and I don’t know why.

DH and I would like a third child but not right now. We have several things we need to do before we can have another one (moving house being the main thing!) so it won’t be for another couple of years. I wouldn’t want two under two anyway. So why am I feeling like this? Why can’t I just be pleased for people like I would have been before TTC?

Has anyone else had this?

(Please note that I haven’t posted in AIBU because I know I am)

Really long post! Sorry!

Could it just be a learned response because you felt that way before? As in it’s out of your control just a reflex emotion almost ?
You should not feel bad it’s not your fault as you had issues ttc and that can be hard even long term after a successful pregnancy

@distanceIspower

If you’re right, I really hope it’s a response I can unlearn! I hate feeling like this.

Thank you for responding and being gentle!

Agree with PP. I've been through similar feelings myself. The best thing you can do is acknowledge your own feelings, rather than deny them and cause yourself more pain.

OP I feel similarly now that DH and I have decided no more. DC is an only child and I’d love to have another but that’s where we are. I feel quite envious when friends announce a pregnancy, although fortunately I seem to be able to feel simultaneously happy for them! I have no idea what to do about it, just sending solidarity.

@FoggyDay58

Agree with PP. I've been through similar feelings myself. The best thing you can do is acknowledge your own feelings, rather than deny them and cause yourself more pain.

I’m not really sure how to acknowledge my feelings in a helpful way. I don’t have anyone I can really talk to about this IRL who would get it. DH would think I’m bonkers for feeling like it now and my other friends aren’t really in the baby phase of their lives so don’t get it.

@Brandysnapzzz

OP I feel similarly now that DH and I have decided no more. DC is an only child and I’d love to have another but that’s where we are. I feel quite envious when friends announce a pregnancy, although fortunately I seem to be able to feel simultaneously happy for them! I have no idea what to do about it, just sending solidarity.

Thank you for the solidarity.

Someone at work announcing they were pregnant during my TTC brought out hatred from me. I still struggle to be around her now and this is someone I was quite friendly with before. Now I just feel envy so that’s a step in the right direction.

I think it’s because deep down you want another baby even if practically you know you should wait.

@NeedToGetOuttaHere

I think it’s because deep down you want another baby even if practically you know you should wait.

You’re right! I think if I found out I was pregnant today, I’d be equally terrified and delighted.

Its not because you are an awful person, as PP said you are just struggling as you want another but know it might be tough.

I personally try and be pleased. Also sometimes just telling someone who does not know them that its also a struggle helps .

Totally normal after ttc. I am still this way to an extent, even though I have 3 dc! I can’t quite shed the baggage of dealing with primary and secondary infertility.

@MorePotatoSalad

Its not because you are an awful person, as PP said you are just struggling as you want another but know it might be tough.

I personally try and be pleased. Also sometimes just telling someone who does not know them that its also a struggle helps .

I have a friend who I talked to about my TTC struggles. Unfortunately she is a friend of both of us so I’m not sure if I’ll speak to her. She’s more my friend than the other woman’s friend so maybe.

@everythingbackbutyou

Totally normal after ttc. I am still this way to an extent, even though I have 3 dc! I can’t quite shed the baggage of dealing with primary and secondary infertility.

It’s quite nice to know it’s not just me going through this although I’m sorry you are too.

Thank you to those who have already commented.

Has anyone else felt like this and got past those feelings?

There is nothing on earth like the headfuck of pregnancy loss and infertility, there really isn't. And because it's taboo you end up burying feelings and then working yourself up even more about it all. Somehow made worse by the fact that anyone suffering from infertility seems to magically increase the fertility of their nearest friends and family tenfold .

I would say in your shoes OP to try and catch yourself as you're thinking these things and say, "Actually, we have DD1 and DD2, we want to start trying again when X happens but for now we are fine" or whatever - just straighten it out for yourself.

We stopped TTC during the pandemic and I had to remind myself multiple times that the reason I wasn't pregnant was that we hadn't been trying (we'd actually been using contraception, so the idea that I was upset each month was absolutely mad). You do get into that mindset and it's hard to shake.

It's pure and simple jealousy . But it's completely normal and not a bad thing. Acknowledge she has what you'd like , and move on . Who knows , it could be you one day !

Im the same now op. I get so jealous when other people announce pregnancies, it's like a pain that I can't avoid but I'm also happy for them.
My experience of pregnancy is horrific with miscarriages, hemorrhage, prematurity, separation from my babies, life threatening illnesses and fertility issues and it goes on.
We can't have anymore children because we just can't risk anymore of the above.
I personally try to distance myself a bit to have space from the pregnancy but if asked I'm honest about it as I'm trying to work on these negative feelings but it's hard when the people around me have had it so easy

Somehow made worse by the fact that anyone suffering from infertility seems to magically increase the fertility of their nearest friends and family tenfold

This is so true! How on earth is this the case? I knew absolutely no one who was pregnant and then I started TTC and suddenly everyone was. When the person at work who was pregnant finally went on maternity leave, I breathed a sigh of relief at not having her pregnancy rubbed in my face every day. Someone else immediately announced theirs.

@Sunnyday321

It's pure and simple jealousy . But it's completely normal and not a bad thing. Acknowledge she has what you'd like , and move on . Who knows , it could be you one day !

That’s the thing. I have no reason to be jealous. I have two DDs and she only has one (for now). My DD1 is 7 and amazing and my DD2 is in my completely unbiased opinion the most beautiful baby. She is almost identical to DD1 when she was a baby so I can say that. I had two uneventful pregnancies whilst hers was more stressful as her DD was measuring small.

Why on earth am I jealous?!

It's plain and simple jealousy. You have to acknowledge what you feel is jealousy and try and turn your mindset on what you do have rather than what you don't have.

I struggled with fertility IVF the lot and managed to conceive our daughter naturally and I hope that I can have another and my body remembers what it has done previously! I know I will gutted if I don't have another child. We have gave ourselves an age limit and if I'm not pregnant by then we have to move on!
I do feel a pang of jealousy of women who have conceived pretty easily (even though you really don't know how long it takes them)
So I always take a step back and think back to prior to having my daughter and how much better it is now! And how eternally grateful I am to be a Mam. A

@Mammyofasuperbaby

Im the same now op. I get so jealous when other people announce pregnancies, it's like a pain that I can't avoid but I'm also happy for them. My experience of pregnancy is horrific with miscarriages, hemorrhage, prematurity, separation from my babies, life threatening illnesses and fertility issues and it goes on. We can't have anymore children because we just can't risk anymore of the above. I personally try to distance myself a bit to have space from the pregnancy but if asked I'm honest about it as I'm trying to work on these negative feelings but it's hard when the people around me have had it so easy

I’m sorry you had such a hard time of it.

@Metallicalover

It's plain and simple jealousy. You have to acknowledge what you feel is jealousy and try and turn your mindset on what you do have rather than what you don't have.

I struggled with fertility IVF the lot and managed to conceive our daughter naturally and I hope that I can have another and my body remembers what it has done previously! I know I will gutted if I don't have another child. We have gave ourselves an age limit and if I'm not pregnant by then we have to move on!
I do feel a pang of jealousy of women who have conceived pretty easily (even though you really don't know how long it takes them)
So I always take a step back and think back to prior to having my daughter and how much better it is now! And how eternally grateful I am to be a Mam. A

I am incredibly lucky to have my two girls and a lovely DH and a lovely house and a stable job. I need to keep reminding myself of that.

I hope you get the second DC you hope for.

Could have written parts of your post @BeingATwatItsABingThing . It took me 27 months from starting to ttc, with a mmc in between to give birth to my dd last September. After my mc especially, I couldn't stand pregnant people. I couldn't really be happy for friends, particularly when I knew they didn't struggle to conceive at all. It was horrible, selfish but I just didn't care and could only stop seeing their social media posts. I didn't even wish some congratulations when their baby was born, especially one friend as I'd had surgical management for my mmc three days before: I was lost in grief.

I hope to have another child, hopefully in 2022/23 (if DH agrees!) and I fear that I'll have another uphill struggle. I just don't want to be that mmc statistic again, I don't want to lose hope in falling pregnant as desperate months go by. I secretly hope I'd just have a contraceptive failure, but it took eight months to fall pregnant each time, so I'm confident I'm not a candidate for a one hit wonder!!

It awful, and it sucks, but your feelings are normal. Conception can be such a mental battle for some and for some it's simple. My mum, for example, thought to herself she'd like a Christmas baby one March in the 80s, and nine months later, I arrived!