School called me about ds’s behaviour

[Veuvestar]

It must have been bad for them to call me
He lasted 2 lessons, one of which was PE.
I was so happy for him finally to be going back
I can’t deal with this

Are your local sendias supporting you through the process? There is assessment for a diagnosis and assessment for an ehcp, and they aren't the same thing.

The senco at the school has supported the assessment for the diagnosis

No- one has ever mentioned a separate process for an ehcp

oh well, better luck tommorow OP

Sounds like you've got a good senco, so I'd keep working with them as the priority. I suspect that boys in this kind of situation have it harder than girls. My academic DD was 14 when diagnosed ASD, but we'd had a few years of hearing "we had to tell her off for ...", usually saying something really quite rude to an adult. Whenever this came up, I'd be told about several other more minor incidents at the same time, accompanied by "but everyone loves her, they know she doesn't mean it", or "they know it's just her".

I don't know what the value of the EHCP necessarily is if you are already in a private school. The senco may take responsibility for developing an individualised plan in school though. I think something like that happened while my youngest was in prep.

Have a look here and then apply for an EHC Needs Assessment yourself.

And then appeal when your application is refused.

Get your documentation together to prove that your DS

A) MAY have SEN
B) MAY need support as set out in an EHCP.

It's an incredibly low bar to meet, but that is all you legally have to do in order to kick off the process.

www.ipsea.org.uk/ehc-needs-assessments

I have experience of PDA and the one thing you should never, ever do is set up an expectation of behaviour.

You asking him to behave would have set off a torrent of emotions.......which will have probably caused the outburst. PDA can be managed easily, it's a very different way of parenting but it pays dividends.

What outburst?

Why don't you send him to a local comp if he is struggling academically etc

He’s not struggling academically
Why send him to a comp, what’s the advantage there?
His behaviour issues are caused by trying too hard to fit in. Moving schools would be starting all over again so I am reluctant
But I do have my eye on another school which seems to be better suited, but not checked it out yet

What made you choose a private school for a child with such special meeds ? He must be v bright but comprehensive school may be better, private may not have teachers who are up for that and be more anxious about their results

I chose private school at 4 because I knew he would benefit from smaller classes and he did. In primary he had amazing teachers who just dealt with him. He had great results. Adhd was always suspected but never confirmed. the issues have only become more apparent after the move to senior school

@Veuvestar

He’s not struggling academically Why send him to a comp, what’s the advantage there? His behaviour issues are caused by trying too hard to fit in. Moving schools would be starting all over again so I am reluctant But I do have my eye on another school which seems to be better suited, but not checked it out yet

The advantage of sending him to a comp is that they will have better knowledge of his needs and access to more support services. Private schools don’t generally have access to school Ed psychs so diagnosis and support is harder (and it’s hard enough as it is).

Honestly, I’ve been there bought the t shirt. The SENCO will be used to compliant academic aspies like my daughter or clever children with dyslexia. They may not even accept PDA as existing in the private sector and most won’t put up with it.

To get an EHCP the school has to show that your son needs more support than is possible under normal circumstances and that they have done everything to try and support him. Most, not all, (DD’s school were brilliant) private schools will fail this test. It’s really hard to get an EHCP, all to do with lack of funding.

@GrasswillbeGreener

Sounds like you've got a good senco, so I'd keep working with them as the priority. I suspect that boys in this kind of situation have it harder than girls. My academic DD was 14 when diagnosed ASD, but we'd had a few years of hearing "we had to tell her off for ...", usually saying something really quite rude to an adult. Whenever this came up, I'd be told about several other more minor incidents at the same time, accompanied by "but everyone loves her, they know she doesn't mean it", or "they know it's just her".

I don't know what the value of the EHCP necessarily is if you are already in a private school. The senco may take responsibility for developing an individualised plan in school though. I think something like that happened while my youngest was in prep.

I can’t believe the difference in the way my daughter was treated than my son. They went to separate secondary schools but were at the same prep. With dd it was just as you said, it’s only dd, she’s just quirky. With Ds it was, this is a problem, it’s unacceptable to talk to people/act like this, he must learn to conform etc etc.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing
I didn’t know his needs would be like this.

If anyone has a list of do and fonts, or helpful ideas for pda, please feel free to post here.

Bright children with difficulties can be comprehensively failed in the wrong school. A school that manages the behaviours but drops the academic expectations too low, is not what you want to aspire to for a 12 yr old, and that can be a risk if selecting a state school predominantly for its SEN support. (my impression based on reading threads on here)

For the OPs son, it is early days in terms of settling in secondary, given all the disruption at present. I agree that if PDA is in the picture it does need a very different approach to handling it compared with the majority of children. And at secondary it only takes one teacher "not on board" to be a problem :(

Why don't you try to arrange a meeting with the senco to discuss where things are at, and what you both expect to be achieved working together with the school. Making sure you're both on the same page and so on. I'd hope constructive plans can be put in place without / while waiting for a specific diagnosis.

One thing we had - in prep, so earlier - was plans for referral made, then postponed because things seemed to have improved. Then some months later the same discussion started again ... That was with DS, and he matured enough from the beginning of yr 7 to the end of yr 8 that we didn't need to mention his "ASD traits" when he transferred to senior school. (full diagnosis not pursued)

I hope some others with PDA experience can post here for you.

Yes I need the school to understand that he’s bright and could achieve a lot, but there’s a way to deal with him and he will never respond like the other children
My last meeting with the school was end of November, they haven’t really been in since then.

My worry is that some of the individual teachers are trying to make him fit in their box.
Without a diagnosis to defend him, it’s the perfect example of a parent making excuses and letting the child get away with everything.

Veuvestar
You said in your op that he was horrible to you at home. If he is like this with you who does know how to manage him, is it a bit optimistic to expect a non specialist teacher to manage?

The advantage of sending him to a comp is that they will have better knowledge of his needs and access to more support services. Private schools don’t generally have access to school Ed psychs so diagnosis and support is harder (and it’s hard enough as it is).

This with bucket loads. A state school has to cope with children with SN, a Private school will just get rid of them if they can't cope. Some private schools are very good but others will just get rid. The behaviour may not even be that bad.
Also some teachers go into teaching in private schools because they prefer it to state ones, and part of that is the easier classroom management.
I would think you may need to speak to the Head, to gage how serious a problem this is - is he in danger of having his scholarship removed and being kicked out? Because that suddenly happening would be far worse than a move planed by you.

He’s always managed to contain himself in school, he’s never been described as rude. Impulsive, silly and a bit disruptive because of that, but not actually rude.

Yes, my daughter always managed to contain herself in school. But as hormones kick in and as the expectations in secondary increase things get harder which is why often children who have coped previously begin to start to get into trouble. It was around the age of 13 that things worsened for both dd and ds in their schools which resulted in ds being kicked out (officially we were asked to voluntarily remove him before they kicked him out).

Dd and ds are both delightful young people, but other people often think they are rude. They are not, they just don't understand social niceties. Aged 18 dd got threatened with discipinary actionlast term becasue she wrote detailed, factual letter to her school about what she perceived to be the lack of adhering to covid policies for example.

The problem really is with the neurotypical people who don't say what they mean and can't cope with matter of factness!

No issues today, and looks like he’s done plenty of work in class

There's loads of good resources here @Veuvestar

www.kristyforbes.com.au/store