Anyone ever feel they are not the right mother for their child?

[Hightideattheseaside]

I feel like my DD (5) deserves a different mother. Like I’m not the right one for her personality. I can’t handle her highly emotional sometimes violent outbursts and attention demanding behaviour. I think I’m too emotional (which is obviously where she gets it from). I just don’t know what to do. Everything I say or do makes it worse. I’m worried my inadequacy will fuck her up for life. I feel so sorry for her that she has me and not mother who is more capable, calm and bomb proof. Which is what she deserves. All children deserve the best and I’m certainly not that for her.

Anyone else ever feel like they’re the wrong fit for their child?

so sorry that you are struggling at the moment. I'm really sure you are absolutely the best mum for your daughter. Who better to understand big emotions than someone who also feels them? Sounds like you are having a tough time at the moment though and with lockdown I'm sure it hasn't helped! All the fingers crossed that this phase passed quickly and you are able to build on your relationship.

As an aside I am the bomb proof mum but actually I am always worrying if my emotions are too detached and if that's having a bad affect on my daughter. I don't think the 'perfect' mum exists!

I’m a dreadful mother. My child is high needs and would benefit from a mother with patience and no ambition. Whereas I just want him to get with the program and go to school ASAP so I can get back to work.

Oh yes definitely.
My DD is great but she's identified as trans (f to m) and I'm old fashioned feminist. 😢

If you share the high emotions you may just be the best mother to help her manage them. Talk to her about it. Let her know you feel the same way sometimes and let her know how you try to manage it.
My DD is painfully shy by nature, like me. Since she was little I’ve told her I struggle with the same things and we’ve talked about ways to manage it. Consequently at 13 she’s doing much better socially and at speaking up in class (we’re working on other stuff) than I was and she now shares strategies with me too. Plus I’m best placed to recognise her little achievements, like starting a conversation with a neighbour, as I know how much effort she’s put in to something that may seem easy to someone else.

Take a step back a minute and since you share some similar traits, think about how your parents dealt with you as a child. Was that helpful? Unhelpful? If it wasn't why wasn't it and how would you have liked to have been dealt with? How do you cope with being an emotional person now and what helps you- both in terms of you helping yourself and others' input? I know it's not easy when you're in the thick of it and we've all got a limit to our patience and with the best intentions in the world, sometimes we return to our factory settings when we're under pressure. Don't beat yourself up, just try and take a step back (at a time when world war 3 is not kicking off) and have a think about it. It's fine to step away for a minute to collect yourself when she's going into one.

I'm a natural mother to my PFB, who was obviously the one who taught me to be a mum. With PSB I often have to take a step back - the 'obvious' (to me) way to deal with things isn't always the best way. So I'm learning to be a mum in a different way. Sometimes I even get it right!
Don't be hard on yourself, it doesn't help. Make a plan about how you would like to deal with situations, before they arise.
For me, I have to involve getting into a stand off. I have to give more choices, PSB likes to feel in control. PFB trusts me to be in control. Violence isn't acceptable, so go through choices of what she is allowed to do when she feels like that. Would she want to be held, or to run away and be alone? You can do this! There will be muddles, but they won't matter in the bigger picture.

@BlueSoop surely you can have patience and ambition? The two are not mutually exclusive. Or are you implying he needs a stay at home Mum? Is that what you mean by ‘no ambition?’ Very odd choice of phrase then.

I think it’s very usual to feel like this at some point during parenthood. Children and their behaviours can be extremely trying and difficult to fathom at times and the guilt about ‘doing it wrong’ or feeling like you are messing them up is normal...especially for people I think who are really trying their hardest as parents. You are the best parent for her, you just are. Trust that you are making the right choices when they come from the heart and go easy on yourself, we all get exasperated or loose our temper when we shouldn’t, children will survive this. Try not to be so hard on yourself. Parenting is a massive steep learning curve that no one prepares you for.

I relate to what you are saying, OP, did you not have the best examples from your parents on being with big emotions? It’s great you are recognising this. I am trying to work on keeping strong and calm and not get overwhelmed by the huge emotions, all the time. I think I’ve made progress but like you can be really self critical, which doesn’t really help. Seeing a problem and trying to address it is different to feeling terrible about yourself. Anyway I wonder if this concept of ‘being with’ is helpful to you?

BlueSoop surely you can have patience and ambition?
My son is very high needs. He needs a mum who doesn’t want to have her own life or career, who has the time and patience to constantly cater to him and sacrifice herself. But that’s not me. I want to go back to work. No matter how long someone babysits him, it’s never long enough. He needs more than I can give.

@BlueSoop

I’m a dreadful mother. My child is high needs and would benefit from a mother with patience and no ambition. Whereas I just want him to get with the program and go to school ASAP so I can get back to work.

Sympathies, @BlueSoop. That’s entirely understandable.

I’m not contesting that, I have a high needs child and understand the difficulties. I’m wondering why you chose to use ‘no ambition’, I would argue SAHM can have ambition. Just came across slightly goady. That is all.

Theyre not going to get a different one. My personality clashes with my dcs at times. Theres no perfect parent and no perfect kid

I would argue SAHM can have ambition
Yeah but my son needs a mother with none, who’s happy to dedicate all of her time to him and do nothing else. No hobbies, no nights out with friends, no time alone with partner, nothing.

Not saying I don’t step up and do my best, but I’m incredibly resentful and angry, it’s a burden every day. Whereas my mother is a natural mother who looks after him with joy in her heart and thanks for the time she spends with him, and she wants nothing more. I don’t feel like that at all - I want to go back to work. My son needs someone like my mother, not me.

It's a mother's job to be wrong. Then they can push away from you and become a more independent person.
Apart from that, the self sacrifice that mothers are required to make is too much.

OP, I definitely feel like that and my child is 38. She and I are both autistic. Life is an emotional minefield.

Thank you for the replies. Only just getting a chance to come back.

To those that asked my parents were both quick tempered and still are. My mother is quick to panic or get offended, fed up or angry. My father used to lose his temper big time to the point me and my sibling were scared of making him angry.

I recognise my mothers traits in my self. Not my father as I don’t threaten my children. I remember being scared and would hate that they felt that about me.

But I’m hot headed and reactive, quick to get frustrated, and impatient in the face of endless faffing. I try so hard to be calm and have a plan for behaviour. And it works some days. But sustaining it in the face of constant outbursts is so exhausting.

I know she is a product and reflection of me so only have my self to blame and the guilt is tremendous.

Och Hightide, I really do understand the guilt and self blame, I feel like that too. Our parents sound quite similar and the more I age the more I understand how everything was about my mothers needs, and how as a child I had to attend to them and squash my own. I also see myself behaving like my mother and find that debilitating at times. I’ve been receiving therapy in the last few months and it’s really opening my eyes to how poorly I was parented. When I’m not bashing myself I’m starting to think actually I’m doing ok given what I dealt with. Would you consider it? I believe we can change these kinds of habits with support. I don’t think you ‘only have yourself to blame’. You didn’t ask for parents with those issues. You don’t choose to pass them on. But you can choose steps that help to change it, it’s just working out the right ones for you I guess. Getting breaks and time to yourself is a big factor too I think. Harder lately of course but I’m definitely less angsty with them when I’ve had a break.

It sounds like you have a DFK (deeply feeling kid). I recommend following drbeckyathome on Instagram. She has lots of tips for parenting this type of child and also how to relate to yourself. She has a reparenting course which basically helps you deal with what you went through as a child first, so that your then in a better position to parent your child without making the same mistakes. I've found her Instagram tips extremely helpful.

Thank you @nameisnotimportant I’ve just checked her out and seems she’s have some helpful, practical tips.

@Merename I’ve tried therapy in the past but not found it helpful, think maybe I didn’t find the right therapist. My mother was and is very loving and generous and kind but I don’t think she or my dad did a great job with me. Not because they were neglectful or abusive but because I had so many big feelings that were just ignored or brushed over. I was definitely a deeply feeling child! So no surprise I have one of my own. I think parenting in the 80s and 90s this sort of thing wasn’t on the radar.