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I'm (reasonably) intelligent but I don't come across that way

38 replies

aspringdaffodil · 08/03/2021 21:21

I come across as so ditsy sometimes, especially at work. I will completely forget things that I know that I know, I think from nerves. I understand things intellectually and can write eloquently when I need to, but when it comes to verbally explaining things or applying my knowledge in the real-world my knowledge just seems to fade away and become inaccessible. As a result I feel ditsy and like an imposter until I've had time to go away on my own and think things through.

My teachers at school and lecturers at university were always surprised with the grades I would receive as I don't come across as particularly academic or intelligent in conversation.

Does anyone else experience this? I find it really frustrating as I know I'm not showing and living up to my potential.

OP posts:
aspringdaffodil · 09/03/2021 12:17

Thank you all for the replies.

I had wondered in the past about inattentive ADHD but I did a validated online questionnaire and scored very low but I know it can present differently in women.

I don't purposely try and portray myself as ditsy in terms of how I dress or having a cluttered desk. I'm more reserved, serious, well-organised, neat and professional in how I present myself.

I think part of it is probably lack of confidence. I'm currently in my first "proper" job since university so it has been a steep learning curve. I work in a laboratory and I am terrified of making any mistakes, there's lots to remember both in terms of theory and practical steps. It is very complex and everything I do has a set procedure linked with it that has to be strictly followed and it's very contextual so it's easy to forget things. I feel like I'm always asking for clarification or confirmation which on the one hand is good because I haven't made any mistakes yet, but on the other hand it does make me come across as less competent than my colleagues. On the other hand, my colleagues are more confident and will do things without thinking it through and they have made several mistakes. I'm not sure which is worse; I guess it would be best to be somewhere in the middle of those two approaches. My supervisor actually brought it up to me after I apologised for nearly making a mistake and said I need to not worry so much, mistakes will happen in this environment and when they do they will be safely dealt with.

However, I also feel like in some situations it feels like my knowledge and experiences are completely inaccessible. I remember one example where I was chatting with a friend and she asked me to explain my dissertation topic, something I'm obviously familiar with, and I just couldn't explain it at all beyond the very basic details. I also struggle to remember other things every now and again like the names of TV shows, names of celebrities, etc. However, I always did well in exams so I feel like my memory isn't an issue? I'm wondering if it's a 'deer in headlights' kind of situation.

In terms of my lecturers and teachers, yes they were surprised. During my GCSEs I remember one of my teachers quizzing me about my coursework as he thought I had plagiarised it! However, now I am thinking about it it probably is largely because I am just more reserved. I remember one example at university is when my lecturer arranged a meeting with me and she had several of my assignments on her desk and she went through them and told me how excellent they were and I just felt really embarrassed as I could tell she was surprised as during seminars it comes across that I don't understand the topics as either my mind goes blank or I use a lot of passive language like "I think maybe it's... but I'm not sure..."

OP posts:
IcelandThree · 09/03/2021 12:18

I'm the same, it takes me a while to process questions and formulate an answer. I'm good with written communication, but almost incoherent at times when I'm in meetings, as I end up thinking my thoughts through out loud as I feel I can't leave a big silence to think of the reply.

My solutions are to prepare as much as possible for meetings, as I'm much more articulate if I am sure of what I am talking about. I'm also really trying to just say something without all the 'ums and ahs' - the end result is going to be the same, so I may as well try and sound confident in whatever opinion I'm stating.

Also, weirdly, listening to podcasts has made me more articulate, just listening to people having conversations.

Iamthewombat · 09/03/2021 12:35

I work in a laboratory and I am terrified of making any mistakes...I feel like I'm always asking for clarification or confirmation

That’s interesting. Have you considered that rather than finding you ‘ditsy’, your colleagues think that you are one of those people who won’t make a decision in case the decision is wrong? That by asking colleagues to effectively tell you exactly what to do, you shift the burden of responsibility onto them? They might regard you as putting on a ‘helpless’ act, even if you are not, in order to avoid owning your work fully.

which on the one hand is good because I haven't made any mistakes yet, but on the other hand it does make me come across as less competent than my colleagues.

Truthfully? You are probably right.

On the other hand, my colleagues are more confident and will do things without thinking it through and they have made several mistakes. I'm not sure which is worse; I guess it would be best to be somewhere in the middle of those two approaches.

Truthfully, your way is worse. Enough for your line manager to specifically bring it up:

My supervisor actually brought it up to me after I apologised for nearly making a mistake and said I need to not worry so much, mistakes will happen in this environment and when they do they will be safely dealt with.

Quite right.

I have a team member who strenuously avoids making decisions and expects me to (1) tell him what to do and (2) review his work plans before he executes them. He’s a qualified and experienced finance professional and I shouldn’t need to be doing this. Do I consider him to be the make equivalent of ‘ditsy’? Yes, in the sense that he expects other people to do the thinking for him so that he can never be held liable for mistakes.

Don’t be one of those people. Do everything you can to build up your confidence in your work. Write everything down, revise it nightly, do whatever you have to do. Otherwise your colleagues’ patience will wear thin.

Interested in this thread?

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Iamthewombat · 09/03/2021 12:37

MALE equivalent not MAKE equivalent!

someonelockthefridgealready · 09/03/2021 12:40

Well, that sounds very like me and I have inattentive ADHD, but it could also be another auditory processing issue. In meetings, I just can't process what's going on quickly enough to be able to speak up in meetings - it's not that I'm afraid of speaking. Whereas competency-based interviews and presentations I come across very well as I can prepare for those.

I think of it like a superpower. Certain people reveal their true colours very quickly as they think I'm too stupid to understand!

aspringdaffodil · 09/03/2021 13:31

@Iamthewombat

I work in a laboratory and I am terrified of making any mistakes...I feel like I'm always asking for clarification or confirmation

That’s interesting. Have you considered that rather than finding you ‘ditsy’, your colleagues think that you are one of those people who won’t make a decision in case the decision is wrong? That by asking colleagues to effectively tell you exactly what to do, you shift the burden of responsibility onto them? They might regard you as putting on a ‘helpless’ act, even if you are not, in order to avoid owning your work fully.

which on the one hand is good because I haven't made any mistakes yet, but on the other hand it does make me come across as less competent than my colleagues.

Truthfully? You are probably right.

On the other hand, my colleagues are more confident and will do things without thinking it through and they have made several mistakes. I'm not sure which is worse; I guess it would be best to be somewhere in the middle of those two approaches.

Truthfully, your way is worse. Enough for your line manager to specifically bring it up:

My supervisor actually brought it up to me after I apologised for nearly making a mistake and said I need to not worry so much, mistakes will happen in this environment and when they do they will be safely dealt with.

Quite right.

I have a team member who strenuously avoids making decisions and expects me to (1) tell him what to do and (2) review his work plans before he executes them. He’s a qualified and experienced finance professional and I shouldn’t need to be doing this. Do I consider him to be the make equivalent of ‘ditsy’? Yes, in the sense that he expects other people to do the thinking for him so that he can never be held liable for mistakes.

Don’t be one of those people. Do everything you can to build up your confidence in your work. Write everything down, revise it nightly, do whatever you have to do. Otherwise your colleagues’ patience will wear thin.

Thank you for your reply. I think for the sake of clarity I should also provide a little more context. I am the newest team member and it was during my first week when my supervisor made that comment. I am supposed to have a more experienced colleague work with me at all times (we are also always supposed to work in pairs regardless of our levels of experience) but they were absent so I had to largely muddle through on my own. I feel like this made the situation more difficult as rather than have a colleague to share my workload and have there to show me the ropes on my first few days, I had to keep going to other colleagues or my supervisor to ask them the questions or for assistance. It did knock my confidence. It's also a difficult dynamic to navigate because you do need to be supervised whilst working and have it signed off that you have done all of the steps correctly before you start running the equipment so you are limited in how proactive and independent you can be.

I will definitely work on this. I have decided to type up some notes and a checklist for myself to take into work. I have already spent a lot of time studying the policies and procedures and I know them well, but I find when I'm actually at work I forget a lot of what I have read. I think having notes with me will help.

OP posts:
aspringdaffodil · 09/03/2021 13:33

@someonelockthefridgealready

Well, that sounds very like me and I have inattentive ADHD, but it could also be another auditory processing issue. In meetings, I just can't process what's going on quickly enough to be able to speak up in meetings - it's not that I'm afraid of speaking. Whereas competency-based interviews and presentations I come across very well as I can prepare for those.

I think of it like a superpower. Certain people reveal their true colours very quickly as they think I'm too stupid to understand!

I'm the same in meetings. I feel like I need time alone to process things and then I can come back with comments and questions.

I also do well in presentations when I can prepare, but it's the Q&A session after the presentations I struggle with as my mind just goes blank.

OP posts:
ohwotsits · 09/03/2021 14:41

I have this OP.

It's as though there is a block between my brain and mouth.

It's hard in both a professional and personal capacity, I'm rubbish at small talk and telling stories but fine one to one. I can retain information and I'm well educated but it doesn't come across as such, I'm not confident with some pronunciation (even though it's right there in my head!) so I tend to avoid words I'm likely to trip over.

I'm almost certain I have something undiagnosed but I can't pinpoint what, I don't fit any description.

Is that similar to what you're experiencing?

Penguin81 · 09/03/2021 15:13

I am like this OP. I have imposter symptoms and suspect ADD (a referral has been sent)..ots so much easier to Express myself in writing, and I go blank a lot if the time. especially without notes.
I gave started a jim Kwik online course (bought the kwik student for my daughter but I am doing it too)
its early days, but the techniques for remembering things seem good..haven't put into practice yet though!

MissFlite · 09/03/2021 15:21

Interesting thread...OP. I also suspect I have ADD. I have a good degree and post graduate qualifications but come across very ditsy. My family despair of me and although I'm good at my job (self employed thankfully) I'm dreadful with admin and procrastinate terribly. I have a child with ASC and the overlap is such that I wouldn't be surprised if we also both have an attention disorder.
Has anyone suggested it to you before?

Iamthewombat · 09/03/2021 16:02

Don’t be too quick to self-diagnose with ADHD, ADD, imposter syndrome or anything else, OP. Try reinforcing your knowledge first, then pausing before you respond to questions, to gather your thoughts. After that the confidence will come.

Pbur · 09/03/2021 17:22

I’m the same, did well at school and write very well, and I know I am intelligent, but I am in awe of people who come across well verbally. My solution has been to prepare prepare prepare. It’s great in remote working right now as I write down talking points and notes for everything in my Mac notes app and can just read off those in the zoom meetings. If I have a presentation to make I write a full script for the most basic of PowerPoints, and then practice it out loud on my partner to make sure it makes sense. I also take Beta Blockers for public speaking which help with nerves and it’s easy to be prescribed by your doctor.

The other thing is I do think I maybe think I’m worse than I am, e.g if I listen to a recording of myself speaking I do make sense - just in my recollection of how I came across it was insane rambling.

I am also trying to laugh less in work conversations to seem more serious.

ArwenTheGreat · 09/03/2021 22:44

Have you got a mentor in your work place? Somone who isn't in your direct line but more experienced, that you regard well? Mentoring relationships are hugely beneficial where I work, I am both a mentor and a mentee! It's great, I highly recommend it as you get to play out concerns and development issues in a less-formal-than-appraisal environment if it's structures well.

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