Help me stay strong tonight or am I wrong?

[Sstrongtn]

NC - DD aged 8 has been having increasingly violent outbursts, she’s always had a reactive personality but is generally kind and sweet. It’s a definite regression.

Partly lockdown and partly my own fault, as my stress of wfh with kids (single) in lockdown has made me shout quite a bit and not always parent calmly and gently which she needs. I’ve recognised it, changed and hopefully school and routine will help. Am also investigating some private counselling for us both as this is not the child she wants to be or the parent I am. Although she does always want her own way, I’m not blind to a bit of naughtiness in there!

Anyway tonight she got a new toy, she’s faffing about refusing to eat her dinner for the 3rd night in a row (she will then ask for food at bedtime and be up until 11). I gave her fair warning that if she didn’t focus and eat I’d remove the toy just until she had, then she could have it back. 15 minutes and a final warning later, still not eating, so I removed the toy and said she could have it back when she ate.

Total meltdown, she kicked me, at which point I told her she’d now lose the doll for the time it took to eat plus 10 minutes, it just escalated, she attacked her sister, called me names, threw things, tried to smash a glass vase, did throw a heavy glass candle, eventually I held her in her bedroom to protect her little sis and she fell over in a temper and scratched her face on a corner (that should be fun explaining to school). I stayed calm, cleaned it, held her while she still screamed it was my fault. When it all started (after the kick) I had told her to stop or the toy would have to go until tomorrow morning.

She’s now calm and has gone off to eat her tea, shutting me out of the kitchen so I can’t see her do it.

I know, I absolutely know, she will come out and expect the toy. When I stand firm and say tomorrow morning it will all start again, I’m going to struggle to get her sister to bed, or her to sleep for school as she won’t give in, it will be horrific. But if I do give in then she’s going to do this again and again.

So - do I stay strong, try and manage her sister and the damage as best as I can.

Or do I accept that she’s eaten and apologised and give her the toy?

I think I struggle as it’s difficult to manage her and her sisters needs when she “goes”, and that this is partly the affect of lockdown, my previous shouting, and her upbringing when she was a baby (ex DH literally gave her everything and was EA to me, I left when she was 2.5 and her baby sister 6 months).

Help me either stay strong or tell me I fucked the whole thing up and should accept the apology!

and warn her if she goes off again the toy will be given away tomorrow and she won’t ever be getting it back.

Don't forget she is 8!

(Presumably also exhausted, overwhelmed by first day back at school after a long period of lockdown, seeing friends, being with loads of other people, school is still,not back to normal etc.)

No advice regarding behaviour as you've received some above but regarding the school, send an email to her class teacher or try to arrange a phone call and explain she's been struggling with controlling her temper and a violent outburst resulted in her scratching her face. Hopefully it will get them to provide more support or advice.

Speak to your GP if the school do nothing, they'll help with referrals to get support.

Thank you all, I’ll try and remember my replies by head is tired!

@Dinkydody nail on the head, it feels exactly like the abuse again and I think that’s why I fell into shouting (not for long and I recognised it and stopped). Lockdown and all the demands added weight to the feeling of being trapped.

@SplendidSuns1000 I think you are right, I’ll talk to the teachers.

@BlackeyedSusan I used to do mindfulness and always sang her songs to sleep while stroking her back, it fell by the wayside a bit through lack of time so I’ll get that back in. And the holding/rocking is a good idea.

@OhioOhioOhio I’ve been trying to expand her food a bit as she eats like a bird but maybe I’ll just go back to what she wants which is basically salami, fruit, tomatoes/cucumber and tuna/egg sandwiches. Not very varied but at least it’s balanced I guess! She gets hot school meals which I’m hoping she eats so might take some stress out. She’s thin as a whip, unlike the other two who eat anything.

@SchoolMarks you’re right, she is only a baby still really! I think my “punishment” of removal + 10 mins wasn’t clear. The original was though I think, they all had toys, didn’t want to settle, I had them sat at the table and said they could keep them by them so long as they ate. 6 year old managed to understand and do just that, 8 year old just continued playing, though she knew the consequence would be removing the toy.

Have avoided second meltdown and she doesn’t have the toy back. Spoke to her (again, we’ve been here before) when calm and she doesn’t know why she does it and can’t agree with me any ways to help her when she’s in that space.

But it was a knife edge all night as to wether she was going to go again, She’s helped me bake the morning muffins she likes, then had a long bath while I sorted DD3 for some 1to1 time and into bed. Then DD1 has decided she’s scared of her bed and needs 100 things for school (clear attention seeking as she doesn’t get why DD2 gets parented differently), so I’ve had a load of time with her. Am now sat with DD2 to settle her to sleep as she was bouncing off the walls, just can’t be still. Having to stand up every 5 minutes to show DD1 I’m still here and she isn’t going to be murdered by mice (don’t ask!).

I’m knackered, they will be knackered and I still have loads to do.

Does anyone recognise that feeling of being constantly tense waiting for the next little thing to happen to flip a kid out? Trying to manage the other kids to make sure they don’t wind her up. Is that a normal feeling for all parents??

I’m sorry you’ve had such a rough evening OP sounds exactly like my DS who is 5. He explodes at the slightest thing. We coped better when he went to school before lockdown. I am hoping he will settle down as it’s been a very long and draining lock down for us. I have no advise really, just wanted to empathise. You aren’t alone

And yes I understand that feeling only too well

He also worries about burglars like your daughter with the mice. It’s exhausting

She’s till awake and I need to wash and do uniforms and some work and I have to be up at 6. I could fucking cry. As soon as I move she’s up again. 1% battery as well so sat here staring at the fucking wall in a minute.

Sorry. Thank you @NoseinBook3 it’s draining isn’t it?

Reading over your post it appears that at least at the moment, eating times are flash points and a struggle. These are only suggestions and things you might already have tried but often work with children with additional needs but can be equally successful with any child. Countdowns to things changing, visual if possible ie sand timer. When the sand runs out it’s time to......eg put your doll in the chair and come to the table for your tea. A lot of now and then. Tea now then you can play with your doll. Repetitive instructions in simple language, not a long explanation. If you give a consequence it has to be carried through and timely and proportionate. If appropriate an explanation, when they are calm, can be given.
Finally give yourself a break, children don’t come with a manual. There’s no right or wrong way to parent, as every child is unique, but there are routines, suggested ways that can help or guide us.
There are times when we get it right and times that we don’t. I don’t think there is a parent who can say they have always got everything right.
You can also have two very different children who the same approach will not work for both. I’ve definitely experienced this one !

(((HUG))))

Sometimes life is fucking hard.

Hopefully, as you say, back to school will hopefully help a lot.

DD needs some help. Personally I think you are disciplining her for behaviour she can't help. Her early life was clearly a bit difficult and has caused some developmental issues.

Or possibly there's some SEN there. Maybe even both. Plus she's adjusting from ExDH's parenting.

She sounds like a lovely wee girl who is struggling, not a naughty one you need to firm with.

Try (whilst getting some help for her & while she's settling back into school, at least) to parent her as though she was that 2 year old again. So, tonight for instance, if possible avoid giving her things that'll distract her from her dinner. If she is distracted sit with her & even feed her or see if she'll eat while you cuddle/look after/play with the doll. Don't take it away.

Tonight she apologised, she ate her dinner...give her the doll.
(Next time don't threaten something that you know will scale up her behaviour)

It's just as hard, or harder, for her to control her behaviour as it is for you to be less shouty. She's struggling, you're struggling. You need to take the heat down a few notches.

And look for some help on learning to reparent her through this 'stage'

Be kind to yourself as well, you've been through a difficult time with Ex DH (and he's still not helping the situation!) and now a year of basically being a single parent through a pandemic.

Yes exactly same happens to friend’s DD - behaviour deteriorates massively as she’s been to her dad’s who is an abusive and controlling psycho.

Thank you, tonight I’m going to try again, going to make simple tea, try and lay out a clear map of the evening, treat her as younger in expectations, deep breaths!

Stay calm, you’re doing great 😌😬🤪

He trying, no kick offs so far but then she hasn’t even eaten the easy dinner she likes so I give up as I’m not battling it tonight, I’ll save that for attempting bedtime. I’ll ask school if she’s eating there because if she isn’t then today she’s had the grand total of one bite of breakfast muffin, some strawberries and some cherries.