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Original poster

Does anyone else hate sharing their DC?

11 replies

SelfishParenting · 06/03/2021 17:28

Have 1 DD aged 6 with ExH. Split in 2017 due to his violence and control and we ended up in court. He has EOW Sat to Sun.

Lockdown has been amazing, ExH dropped to Saturday only contact and due to me being furloughed I’ve had lots of time with DD, which I’ve enjoyed. I’ve hated doing the home learning and DD has some additional needs so things can be difficult but when we’ve had freetime I’ve loved it. Her spending a few hours with her dad but being mostly with me. Nothing better.

ExH has told me that in 4 weeks time (3rd April/Easter Weekend) he will be having DD overnight again. DD has come back from her dads over the moon, she has hated seeing so little of him and loves her sleepovers. But I am dreading it.

I come off Furlough on 21st March ready to restart work on 22nd March. And I’m dreading feeling like I don’t see my DD in term time. On the week it’s ExHs weekend I still get a few hours on a Sunday with her but it’s not the same.

I’d never be awkward or stop the overnights as DD loves them. But I do feel a bit hard done by, I organise all school runs/childcare out of school, I do all appointments, I have done all home learning and I’ll do all homework with her, and he gets the fun bits.

I know it’s a consequence of leaving him, and for that I wish I never had left him because he’s my DDs dad so I was always going to have to share her. I just wish the actual parenting was more even, his weekends are spent playing games, going to mcdonalds late at night etc. He’s never washed a pair of her soiled pants let alone after yet another accident at school (She can get through more than 10 pairs of pants a week in term time), he’s never begged a HCP for help for her.

I know I need to pull up my big girl pants, and just get on with it. But I hate it. Didn’t post in AIBU as I know I’ll be slaughtered. I will never stop her going but will always blame myself for having to be away from her, if I'd never left him,

OP posts:
Waxonwaxoff0 · 06/03/2021 17:36

In ordinary times (pre Covid) I don't mind sharing, I enjoy a bit of a break to be honest. But in ordinary times I can meet up with friends and do things. In lockdown it's just been rubbish rattling around at home on my own.

I think it's easier knowing how much DS loves his dad and enjoys going there, if he hated it I'd feel much worse.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 06/03/2021 17:42

You could always swap if you feel he has it better and have two days out of fourteen .... I suspect you would stick with the twelve days you do have though.

Shinyletsbebadguys · 06/03/2021 17:44

It comes with the territory. I know perfectly well I did the right thing ending my marriage. I will be honest and say for me its not so much sharing , I admit the break is welcome currently (two ds aged 8 and 5 has been a bit of a challenge...a great one but still I am very tired ).

However its the Disney dad bit. Exdh is not unpleasant but by the nature ofbjim having the dc at a weekend rather than a weekday (which wouldn't be feasible due to distance and exdh working hours ) I do everything sensible. All the meals , all the school stuff , doctors , dentist, optician clubs etc.

Exdh didn't even bother to pretend to attempt to log on to the online parents evening last week because he knew it was about feedback from home schooling which he doesn't know a damn thing about (despite my updates ).

Its just the way the cookie crumbles. If id stayed we would all be in an awful toxic horrible environment , I absolutely did the right thing.

There's no pretending its not frustrating that exsg is fun dad and I'm the nagging parent that insists on tidying rooms and putting school shoes away. I comfort myself that one day (probably when they have dc themselves ) they will realise I did the things that helped them cope in the world as adults.

I get it though , still frustrating.

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Original poster
SelfishParenting · 06/03/2021 17:46

@Shinyletsbebadguys

It comes with the territory. I know perfectly well I did the right thing ending my marriage. I will be honest and say for me its not so much sharing , I admit the break is welcome currently (two ds aged 8 and 5 has been a bit of a challenge...a great one but still I am very tired ).

However its the Disney dad bit. Exdh is not unpleasant but by the nature ofbjim having the dc at a weekend rather than a weekday (which wouldn't be feasible due to distance and exdh working hours ) I do everything sensible. All the meals , all the school stuff , doctors , dentist, optician clubs etc.

Exdh didn't even bother to pretend to attempt to log on to the online parents evening last week because he knew it was about feedback from home schooling which he doesn't know a damn thing about (despite my updates ).

Its just the way the cookie crumbles. If id stayed we would all be in an awful toxic horrible environment , I absolutely did the right thing.

There's no pretending its not frustrating that exsg is fun dad and I'm the nagging parent that insists on tidying rooms and putting school shoes away. I comfort myself that one day (probably when they have dc themselves ) they will realise I did the things that helped them cope in the world as adults.

I get it though , still frustrating.

ExH lives close enough for weekday contact which is even more frustrating, and he technically has it due to the CAO but never has her.
OP posts:
ChancesWhatChances · 06/03/2021 17:53

I hated it when me and ExP were still in the throes of bad blood etc. There was a lot it took me years to forgive him for and I hated every second DC spent away from me. But time healed a lot of wounds, we’re fairly civil bordering on friendly these days and pre pandemic I absolutely loved the break. During the pandemic I’d have loved it even more but haven’t had a break in almost a year solid now (and that’s a whole different story).

Point is, with time you may get to a place where you don’t feel so utterly shit and hurt over the time DD spends away from you. It might suck right now, but it won’t always Flowers

00100001 · 06/03/2021 17:56

It sounds like it's not actually the sharing you mind. It's the fact he's a Disney Dad is the problem.

00100001 · 06/03/2021 17:56

And his time will come. DD will "wise up" to him and not be fooled. And it will be you she turns to and always want.

Original poster
SelfishParenting · 06/03/2021 17:57

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss

You could always swap if you feel he has it better and have two days out of fourteen .... I suspect you would stick with the twelve days you do have though.
Of course I'd never swap, I absolutely love being there for her but I just wish it was a bit more even and felt less like a punishment for leaving him.
OP posts:
IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 06/03/2021 18:09

Even would be 50/50 shared residence not 12 days out of 14.

Original poster
SelfishParenting · 06/03/2021 18:26

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss

Even would be 50/50 shared residence not 12 days out of 14.
And I think i'd be ok with that if he did more of the actual parenting.
OP posts:
Sleepingdogs12 · 06/03/2021 18:26

If things were more even you'd see her less. Yes he would have to do the hard grind too but be careful what you wish for.

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