DS4 very upset at return to school

[Sb2366]

My DS aged 4 started reception in September, he turned 4 in July. I was worried about him starting as he never settled well at nursery, and even as a toddler never enjoyed toddler groups etc. He did go to a childminder too which he seemed to like a lot more.

He settled in at school a lot better than I thought he would, but would still say every evening/morning that he didn't like school and didn't want to go back.

He's been at home since December due to lockdown. I've been mentioning that he'll be returning to school next week and every time he gets very upset, shouting and saying he's never going back. Was just wondering if anyone's experiencing similar and how you're approaching it? And also if anyone else has had a child that does not seem to do well in group settings.

I did ask the school if he could have a phased return, but they want to see how it goes and then perhaps put something in place. They have said they'll do nurture sessions where they'll talk about feelings etc.

I'm sure I will be in the minority but I'd tell them I was doing a phased return not 'see how it goes' he is 4, let him do mornings and come home at lunchtime so he doesn't get so tired and then it's not so overwhelming. There will be posts saying he will get behind he will have friendship problems, but he's in reception. If you were asking about moving him to another school everyone would say how quickly kids make new friends, its the same. Do part time for as long as you want, I do understand the worry but looking back you realise how little they were and that for many 6 hours in school is just too much. He is below school age so they can't fine you, or make you deregister.

I agree, for some it's just too much at that age

My Son isn’t really upset but he’s definitely not keen on the idea of going back. When I occasionally mention the return to school I always immediately follow it with “tiny bit at school then holidays, tiny bit at school then huge holidays”

He doesn't legally have to be in school FT from the term after he's 5. So he doesn't need to be there from September.

Point this out to school and that he will be doing mornings or whatever only from Monday and you'll be judging how it goes.

In normal circumstances I think their approach would be a valid one - but this is a child already struggling with separation and group settings and coping with a year of constant change and disruption.

Thanks, yes I think he wasn't ready to start, I had thought about trying to defer him for a year and kind of wish I had now. Unfortunately as I work part time he wouldn't be able to do just mornings. I'd suggested him maybe returning 2-3 days a week to start with, but then he's still doing the long days. Think just mornings would be better. I'll see how it goes on the first day.

I agree just do phased return! 4 is young and it's a massive life change. You could tell him on his first day you will pick him up and get something fun for lunch together!

My reception ds is not happy either. He's actually done two days last week and 3 this week. (Sibling in vulnerable group and they suggested he come in too) and he's still unimpressed at the full return plan next week.

I think there is a lot struggling with the thought of return next week (my teen is too) and teachers will be sensitive to it but for many it's a case of ripping the band aid off and just doing it. If still struggling by the end of the week outside of tiredness then review but don't forget it's only 3 weeks to Easter

☹️ poor thing, it’s such a lot of disruption for these little ones. Reading your OP made me feel so stressed. At his age he wouldn’t be at school anyway in a lot of countries. I agree a phased return is a good idea.
My 5 yo is in year 1 and has only had that first term of reception uninterrupted. Truly shit!

By law he doesn’t need to be in school till his 5th birthday. They can mark him absent but the LA will have no interest in the absence while he is aged 4

So I would recommend doing a phased return and just telling them you’ll send him on x days and then review it on a fortnightly basis

I have twin DSes in reception and one of them is experiencing significant anxiety about returning. He is very sociable and is aware that many of his friends have been at school without him. He’s worried they won’t want to play with him anymore and will basically have forgotten about him.

I don’t think there’s a good answer, unfortunately. I would agree that implementing your own phased return would be sensible. I wouldn’t be particularly happy with a ‘wait and see’ approach. I know that my DS will be fine as soon as he arrives at school on Monday morning, but if I had doubts about that I would want to see the school taking a more proactive approach to support his return.

I am sure a lot of children will be feeling like this, and I am sure that teachers are not going to launch straight back into where they left off with the littlest ones.

Teacher will have a whole classfull of anxious 4 year olds- see how it goes. Problem with phased return is that they miss bits. That makes it even harder for them.

It's not just the little ones. My 15 year old is feeling the same. I'm hoping there is going to be a lot of focus on supporting them to adjust back into a routine between now and Easter. Although that will probably work better in Reception than for the stressed GCSE students .

Thanks everyone for the responses, they've been really helpful. I felt bad going against what the school have suggested, but think I'll see how Monday goes and then perhaps just let the school know I'm doing a phased return.

Yes it must be a stressful time for a lot of children of all ages, hope next week goes ok for everyone.

I hope your little chap settles back in, I think its horrible to see them so little and so upset, I just don't get our school system though, some children are more than ready to go to school at 3 1/2, some are just not ready till about 6 years old.

Just wanted to say you're not alone. My DS started reception in September too and he keeps saying he doesn't want to go back to school. He never used to want to go to preschool either though. I'm just going to see how it goes, hopefully he'll soon settle. I'm thinking that being with other children his age will surely cheer him up.
Luckily my 8 year old IS looking forward to school and I never thought I'd say that.

I do think "see how it goes" is the right way - provided there is then the option to switch to phased return if it is not going well! The idea of going back may be worse than the actual going back for him.

He may be fine and some children whose parents thought would be fine might not - there is no real way of telling beforehand.

It must be tough for the little ones.

DS is 5 and also in reception. He has been at school through out as I am an NHS doctor but only 2 days a week and he was in tears last night when I told him the other children would be back next week and he would be full time again. He is sad because he finds the whole class group just a bit too much and he's made a close friend in the key worker group who is usually friends with a boy who isn't keep on DS. And to be honest, I think he finds a full week just too much.

It's a total minefield and I'm quite worried about him next week.

Thanks all, yes hopefully he'll be ok when he's actually there and will enjoy seeing his classmates. Hope others who are anxious have a good first week back too.