Changed my mind about how many kids I want

[faithfulbird20]

Anyone similar? When I had my DD at 27 I just wanted one because she was my world. Then at 30, I looked at her and thought she needs siblings so maybe let's aim for 4-5 kids and have a big family. I've had my second child on Sunday yet I feel so much guilt. I don't get time to do the same things I did with the first one. We've had to leave her with my parents. It's so unfair on her. I've been crying about it randomly. I just want to hold her and cuddle her. I adore my 2nd child but thinking about my first it's like what have I done. We were planning to have a 3rd fairly quickly but I've changed my mind. I also think 2 is enough for me so that they both get equal time. I just wish things were the same with my first child..sorry I'm ranting but I feel quite sad...

Give yourself a break. Your new baby is five days old.

Why have you had to leave your other child with your parents?

I felt like that when no.2 came along. The feeling goes quite quickly, it's because you are attending to your newborn's needs 24/7 (which of course you should be). Plus, we all get emotional post partum anyway.

Just acknowledge you feel that way, accept it will change in the future, the dust will settle and you will adjust to a little family unit of 4. Can your partner take the baby a bit so you could just have 15 mins play one on one with your eldest each day?

How you're feeling is totally normal because your hormones are going haywire. I'm sure I read day 5 or 6 after having a kid is when you get very emotional?

Anyway acknowledge your feelings and then let them pass by. It's not like you have to decide about number 3 any time soon, and what your child will gain from having a sibling might far outweigh what you think they've lost.

Newborn babies sleep a lot. Can you not be using that time to spend with your eldest?

Take your time. Your baby is not even a week old and your hormones are still going a hundred miles an hour.

Your DD has been your focus for a few years and now there's someone else to think about which is fine. It will help create a little independence with your DD & help her settle into a big sister role by getting her to help with the baby like fetch nappies and wipes. But I'm familiar with the initial guilt and it will pass.

In a few months time when the baby is more responsive it will be the best thing to watch your 2 children form a bond with each other.

I've said never again after my second but now he's 14m something in the back of my head is thinking about a third...

Congratulations on your baby

@FuckyouBrennan

Why have you had to leave your other child with your parents?

The new baby was born 5 days ago so OP was giving birth.

Are you back home OP? Did you have a C section?

Having a second baby is different from having a first; you're family is evolving.

What's so awful about being cared for by grandparents while had your baby? It happens to almost every first born child in the world and inner she had a wonderful time!
Don't even try to give your children equal amount if your time, or you will make yourself ill (believe me I tried as I was so determined having a new baby wouldn't affect my 4yo)Some times one child will need you more, at other times the other. Over a lifetime it will all even out though.

And why would you want any more children now when you're world is full? Like you say, you didn't want lots of children before, then you did...no one starts trying for another baby with a 5 day old

Congratulations on your baby

Sunday! It's 7am on Friday now! You've just had a baby.

It's not realistic to think you would just be the same as you were a week ago and you absolutely shouldn't be thinking now about how many other children you may or may not want to have. That's not a decision or a job for now. Nor should you go and defrost the freezer or regrout the tiles in the bathroom.

Call your parents and get your daughter back if that's what you want. You don't need her to be separated from you if you don't want to be away from her. And you shouldn't feel like you shouldn't want to be with her. She's your daughter!

It’s hormones. And get your oldest DC back home ASAP and give them lots of cuddles. It doesn’t help anyone to have them sent away.

It's so hard adjusting to two, but it does get easier and once their old enough to interact and play together it's magical to watch. Maybe try baby in a sling, my second pretty much lived in one for the first 6 months, that way she got to be constantly held and sleep in a cuddle, but I was still had hands free to play with the toddler.

I think most people feel a bit like this when they have their second child. There is no denying that things are not the same for your first child who now has to share your time and attention with a sibling, but, in time, you will hopefully get to enjoy seeing the bond between your 2 DC grow and how much fun they will have together (not all the time, some of the time they will hate each other for a little while but that's normal too).
When is DC1 coming back from your parents to meet the baby and have a cuddle with you? Is she having a lovely fun time with her grandparents?

Congratulations on your baby! You are at the worst moment for post birth hormonal emotion so I wouldn't be making any big life decisions right now!

Hi OP. Congratulations on your new arrival. I think what you're feeling is so very very normal and something a lot of people experience.

You're going through so much right now and feeling weepy, unsure and even a sense of 'what have I done?!' is most likely down to hormones, exhaustion and a bit of the baby blues at this stage.

I've posted similar before but I worried about this too when I had my DS2 as I'd considered sticking at one for a while. I'm so pleased I did though (he's now 8 months) as he and DS1 have such a great relationship already. They make each other laugh and I often catch them playing little games together and giggling away. DS1 is super protective of his baby brother and he has become DS2s favourite person who he saves his biggest smiles and laughs for. It's lovely to see.

I know there will probably be fall outs along the way and it won't always he smooth sailing but I know overall it's worth it.

Give it time for your emotions to settle and I'm sure you'll start to see your second as something wonderful you've been able to give to your DD, rather than having taken anything away.

People say love isn't finite and it's so true - you wont need to split the love you have for your 1st, you'll have a whole new set for your second and a unique relationship with both. There's a poem about this that I love and always makes me cry but I used to read it if I was ever unsure about my decision!

Admittedly time can be trickier when you have to juggle two, especially in the early days but you'll soon settle into a routine and get more time back with your DD to give her lots of cuddles and attention too. When you can, try and carve out some one on one time with her whilst baby naps or someone else takes them for a walk etc so she has your undivided attention, even just for a little while.

I'm sure your heart will soon melt when you see how they interact and any worries will be forgotten, give it a bit of time, keep talking and be kind to yourself.

First of all... Congratulations on new baby
Secondly... Give yourself time. You don't need to decide on whether to have more kids when you have a newborn baby.

Over the next few weeks, you will learn to balance the needs of two children. Yes, you have less focused time on one. But there are nap times, or times when your partner has the baby and you spend time with eldest.
Lots of stuff can be done together... Babies love watching older siblings.

Just give yourself some time. I remember feeling like that when I had a toddler and a baby. Now the baby is 8yo next week, and toddler is 9yo. Its been tricky at times. But mostly brilliant.

Don't even try to spend equal time with them ! I tried that ....tied myself in knots trying to be totally equal . And now I've got two ( adult) children who are happy to tell me that " you always favoured the other one !"

5 days post birth isn't the time to decide anything!

In a lighthearted way, you initially wanted an only, then went to 4/5kids! No wonder you now want to stop at 2

Dc2 is new. It takes a good while to get used to managing two. Give yourself a year off from think of whether your family is complete yet or not. And dont pile on any guilt whatever decision you make.

oh wow this is totally normal, don't worry. I was in the hospital overnight with DC2 after giving birth and I was crying and crying about poor lonely DC1, who had been betrayed and abandoned! The love took a while to grow for DC2 because DC1 had been my world. But within a few months my love had doubled and I appreciated each child in their own way, and now they are an absolute joy individually and an addition bonus joy seeing how they love each other. It's impossible to see at first how you find the spaces to focus on each one, but it will come. Congratulations on your lovely baby x

Congratulations OP on your new baby.

I hope that this doesn’t sound too negative, but there is nothing wrong with stopping after 2! Kids are wonderful and tiring. My life would have been many, many times easier if I had stopped at 2. Obviously people don’t really say this, as no-one wants to sound mean to child 3 onwards but I have been and I see many women in particular with large families at breaking point. And anyway - having lots of kids is awful for the environment and with child mortality being unprecedentedly low, it’s not as if anyone needs loads of kids really, is it?
And yes, I am being a total hypocrite, but honestly, in those days when I ‘felt my family isn’t complete without another’ (biological impulse hard at work there), if someone had shown me how tired I would be, how my career would be changed, how I would have to manage the kids’ relationships constantly, how many, many interrupted nights’ sleep I would still be getting 15 years on from having my first, how much I have lost myself, well - who wouldn’t think twice?!
And yes of course I love my kids and we’re towards the end of lockdown so things might be feeling worse right now, but frankly I’m a really lucky person with a nice lifestyle and I still wish I had realised how little time for myself I would wind up with.

Of course lots of people are very happy with their larger families. I guess I’m just saying be realistic for yourself.

And life does feel hard with 2 small kids. It will get better. You just need to know it may go backwards again if you decide to have more as the latest kids go through the same stage as yours are at at the moment. There is nothing wrong with stopping at 2, and lots of benefits.

Don't panic, everyone I know who has two felt this way! Pretty sure it's partly hormones. When dd1 is back from grandparents send your partner out for a little walk with the baby in a sling/pram and have some cuddles. It will be fine.

They lose out on a bit of your attention but gain so much more from having a sibling.
Seeing my two playing together makes me love them more than I can describe. We are stopping at two but mostly because we are in our late 30s now and feel too old for more.

Gosh you only had her on Sunday, give yourself a break. Do you maybe have a touch of the baby blues?

Why have you been leaving your first with your parents, is it to make the first few days easier?

Congratulations on your new baby!

My whole life, I wanted two children. When I was being stitched back up after DS2 (failed VBAC) I thought ‘next time I’m going straight to c/s’ and was absolutely shocked with myself. I thought the feeling of wanting another baby would wear off so I took some time to mull it over - about three years in fact - and then we had a third baby. 10 days after he was born, DH booked a vasectomy and I was absolutely fine with it, have never regretted that.

So, I don’t think it’s unusual to have strong feelings about family plans after a baby is born, but there’s no need to rush either way. I can remember thinking I’d ruined DS1’s life when DS2 was born, but at 15 & 17 they are good mates & neither seems too scarred.

I felt this way after my second I could not shake the guilt. Now I wouldn't change it for the world, They are so close and love playing together ( Most off the time 😂) and about to have baby number 3. You just had a baby and your horomones are all over the place you are allowed to feel this away as everything has changed.

Day 5 is a hormonal sob-fest anyway.

DS1 didn't have handy grandparents so he was sent off camping with a bunch of Girl Guides in an unseasonably snowy field

Siblings are a very, very normal part of life and many of the population have sucessfully survived going from child #1 to the oldest. It's a normal, healthy experience; not always easy, but we just crack on. Real issues inevitably arise from things like favouritism, not the existence of a new sibling.

Congratulations and the hormones will settle soon.