How do you deal with favoritism?

[MaizeBlouse]

My DM quite openly favours my niece. It is as clear as day. I'm not sure if it's a gendered thing as my DCs are both boys and I have read before on MN that this can sometimes be the way it goes.

Sometimes I feel less upset about it and know that it is her loss and I feel grateful for my lovely, kind, funny boys and my amazing DP. Sometimes it eats me up inside that she doesn't seem proud of them and their achievements, it even tips in to her disliking one of my DSs, imo.

I know I can't do anything about it and I distance myself from my DM as any attempts in the past to spend time all together have been futile (she prefers to sit playing on her phone than engage with my DSs if we visit). The whole thing just makes me feel sad; for myself, for my lovely sons who are overlooked, for my silly expectations that she would be a caring grandmother.

She is the textbook wonderful grandma for my DSis child. Abundant childcare, gushing social media posts, talks about their achievements and how proud she is, sits and plays with her and makes the effort to engage, you can see how much she loves her. When we are invited over my DCs get the tv put on while my DM is "busy" doing other things, even when they ask to play she turns them down. It crushes me.

Does anyone else have a similar situation? How have you found it best to deal with it?

That sounds so shit @MaizeBlouse. Have you addressed it with her?

Is there a difference between yours and your sisters relationship with your mum?

I’m wondering where this stems from? Could be a gender thing? Is niece the first born gc?

Bloody awful though. You need to talk to her about it.

Thanks @hippityhippityhop. I haven't, no. Its quite a hard thing to address I suppose. Knowing my mum she would get very defensive and deny it. Also then I would have the nagging thought that, if she did change, was it just because I'd called her out and therefore it isn't genuine? But maybe that's not fair of me.

Also I wasn't sure if I was just being pathetic and experiencing confirmation bias with it, but as time goes on the favoritism becomes more obvious.

My parents had all the time for my sisters children and took them to the zoo and days out. Lots of overnight stays. They're the same with my younger brothers children. Lots of time spent with them.

Never seemed arsed with my children. I have not seen my parents for over 2 years. I have separated from my husband in that time.

My parents have not bothered to contact the children at all.

My children are amazing and my parents are missing out. My children have got used to it. My daughter said once that my parents didn't bother because I was the child of theirs that they disliked.

My children have had the day trips out because I have taken them and we have made wonderful memories. I don't let other people missing out on this get to me

@BurningRed My sis and my mum have a very... troubled relationship. My sis feels entitled to childcare, money etc from my mum and isn't grateful that she gets so much. Sis will suddenly get the hump and go NC with DM and then reappear when she needs something from her.

We honestly get no childcare at all (or money which I would never accept) and I feel proud that, despite the hard times, me and dp have done it all ourselves. We are also not as local to my mum as my sis but hardly a million miles away! My DS1 was first born.

@noideabutstilltrying sorry that you have experienced similar. You sound like a lovely mum. I also have taken a similar approach of thinking "their loss" and I count my blessings that I have 2 brilliant boys and my lovely DP. But every now and again I just feel so sad about it and can't help but think: why?

And just to expand further @BurningRed I feel like I do a lot to encourage a good relationship with my DM. I call her at least once a week and we talk about the important things to her. I send gifts at the relevant celebrations and I have video called during lockdown. I have always been a good daughter and am successful in life, so hopefully she isn't ashamed of me. I once waited to see how long it would be if I didn't initiate contact and she didn't call me for 6 weeks.

@MaizeBlouse it used to bother me more than it does now.

I would much rather not have contact with my parents rather than be made to feel not good enough.

I don't need to be told that I have been lucky with my children. It's not been luck why they are good people who are bright and engaging. It's been a lot of effort and consistency!

I did want my parents to be proud of me and what I've achieved but they're not.

I am fortunate that I earn enough not to ever have been in the situation to have to borrow money from my parents. I have a good job which looks after the children well 🙂

Yes, same here. My eldest sister is definitely my Mums favourite, and treats he daughter very differently to my two sons. I used to get upset about it, but not so much now they are older. I can't change the situation. Me getting upset is only upsetting me. My sons lost their Dad when small so l was really hoping she would step up, but didnt, and my husband had no contact with his parents so we are quite isolated. The main thing is l couldn't love them anymore than l do. It's her loss.

My mum has always favoured my brother and his kids over me and mine. When my kids were young it really bothered me as they would ask why grandma didn’t visit us as much as she saw their cousins. Cousins live close by so they would hear that grandma had been to stay.

The hardest thing these days is she is completely desperate for my brother’s children to ‘outdo’ mine. If I call her she is practically shouting down the phone did you hear about X getting a certificate for this or Y winning some race at the athletics carnival. But she never tells my brother about even quite significant achievements of my kids. She even lied to him and said she didn’t know where my DS was going to secondary school rather than acknowledge he’d been accepted into an academically selective school.

I tried to raise it with her in the past but she has decided I’m jealous and nasty and so this just adds more evidence in her mind. So I’ve just built a bit of a wall. I don’t tell her things the kids do and then she finds out and acts all hurt.

Though the shoe is on the other foot now as she needs help from us as she is ageing and she’s found out her favourite is too busy with his own life to help her!

Sorry to read your accounts of similar experiences @Remaker and @Moonface123. You're right that I just need to accept it and rise above it, I'm going to work on this more. It really is her loss to not know my lovely boys better.

She paints herself out online as the loving doting granny (posting photos of 1 grandchild only...). Indobt really use social media much but maybe I should block her anyway, that way I won't see it at all.

The older I've gotten the more I reflect on my own childhood and think 'wtf'. I was definitely privileged and it wasn't a bad childhood, but my parents had so many issues and we took the brunt of them for sure. I think sometimes it takes raising your children to see it for how it was.

We have exactly the same. I used to get really upset about it. We’ve talked about it - nothing changed. It’s like we are a tick box - visited user1511 and DC, check. Text one a month asking how DC are, check. The other side? Actually being a grandparent.

I have learnt to let it go. We have grandparents on the other side who dote on DC and that’s enough.