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Original poster

My father moving into our home

25 replies

Daughtermothernooneslover · 04/03/2021 02:59

Hi all.
Im I desperate need of some advice.
About 1 year ago my father moved in to mine, my fiances and two daughters home.
We had only recently moved into this property together.
My father had just broke up with his girlfriend and was in a bad way, he was very badly behaved for some months and it put a lot of pressure on the relationship.
It did improve but hes incredibly dysfunctional, he rarely gets up in the morning, usually surfaces in the late afternoon.
We had to give up our youngest having a bedroom, she 2, i didnt mind at first i was glad to have her back next to my bed instead of using a monitor.
Anyway to try my best cutting a very long complicated story short, my fiance has abandoned us during the pandemic and left me dealing with our two girls 11+2 and my badly behaved father 56.
Obviously i love my dad deeply but i feel really used now, i am really struggling coping with the abandonment and ive asked him to watch the girls for a day because i need a day off so badly, just too cry and crumble! The whole sad burrito thing.
Anyway, he won't do this for me, and i need to know if its reasonable for me to have him in my house any longer? feeding him, giving up my bedroom room, loosing my partner, and still he cant really help me.
He is a ex drug addict and i feared that when his gf of 8 years threw him out he was vunerable so i couldnt see him anywhere else. Now i just feel used.
He cant even give me a day in bed and im falling apart.
Please help

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 04/03/2021 03:10

You should have kicked him out ages ago. Tell him his free ride has fucked off and he needs to leave.

Chunkymenrock · 04/03/2021 03:31

OP, I feel so sorry for you. This is absolutely not on. It certainly is not your responsibility to house and pay for your own father. He is completely taking the piss. You need to have a calm and clear conversation with him to say that whilst you were glad to help him out for a while, the arrangement isn't working for you any longer. Say you need the room back by the end of the month at the very latest. Even if he could help you out with the girls, the living arrangement sounds claustrophobic and unsustainable. You're not wrong in any way to have had enough now and to stand up for yourself. Good luck, I really feel for you.

Tangohead · 04/03/2021 07:35

Kick him out!

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Chunkymenrock · 04/03/2021 08:14

Bumping for you.

sunflowersandbuttercups · 04/03/2021 08:16

My God, just kick him out. He's not your responsibility.

No way on earth would I have my parents living with me!

VettiyaIruken · 04/03/2021 08:17

Yes, you need to evict him. He is stress you don't need.

Didiusfalco · 04/03/2021 08:18

God, KICK HIM OUT. Sorry for shouting, but he is a freeloading ex-addict. You will be better without the dead weight.

Quartz2208 · 04/03/2021 08:18

DId you partner go because of your Dad? He has to go OP you are putting him ahead of everyone else

justanotherneighinparadise · 04/03/2021 08:21

What’s your exact situation? Owned or rented? If rented; who’s name is on the tenancy? Has your fiancé buggered off short term or left you completely? Does your father work? Can he find himself somewhere else to live?

Hailtomyteeth · 04/03/2021 08:22

Kick him out sounds harsh, so I'll say 'Tell him he's got to go'. Give him a week or fortnight to find somewhere.

You have to toughen up, for yourself and your children. You need a break. They need the best life you can offer them. Your dad doesn't sound like a good choice for childcare, by the way. Get him out, then review your situation.

DogsnKids · 04/03/2021 08:32

Make him 'homeless at home' he can get over 55s housing.

Purplewithred · 04/03/2021 08:37

He’s absolutely taking the piss. Time for him to go.

baubled · 04/03/2021 08:40

Did your partner "abandon" you or could he not take the situation with your dad any longer?

Kick him out, why are you putting someone first who is an absolute drain on your life, is he putting you first like you are him? Absolutely not. I would give him 1 week MAX to sort his shit out

ScaredOfDinosaurs · 04/03/2021 08:41

He is technically a lodger, not a tenant, and has close to no rights whatsoever in law. You could pretty much just change the locks and dump his stuff outside without getting into any trouble.

Morally, you have no obligation to him. He has taken the piss. You are not responsible for him, or his sobriety. If you give him a letter stating that he is evicted, effective immediately, he can present that to the council and get emergency housing. It really isn't your problem.

hellywelly3 · 04/03/2021 08:41

That fact you’ve given him a home and he can’t give you a day to grieve the end of a relationship sums up what he thinks.

Motnight · 04/03/2021 08:42

@DogsnKids

Make him 'homeless at home' he can get over 55s housing.

To be fair he can get any housing 😂🤣

Motnight · 04/03/2021 08:43

Op, you need to put yourself and your family first. Your dad has years ahead of him, he needs to take responsibility for his own life.

thebabessavedme · 04/03/2021 08:49

kick out him out my love! I am only a little older than your father and I can tell you that if he can't sort out his own life by now then he never will.

People as selfish as him will never understand that taking responsibility for themselves is something that they should have done the moment you were born, YOU are not responsible for your parent, for their heatlh, their happiness or their sobriety. What you have is a responsibility to your own children, they need your care and love, your dad is old and ugly enough to take care of himself, he needs to grow up!

custardbear · 04/03/2021 08:49

You cannot allow your children to see that this is 'normal' because it's not.
Find somewhere to regime him and get him out of your home. Can other family help you? His parents or siblings / children - you've done your bit, you need to concentrate on you and your children

When he turns it around and tells you you're only getting rid of him because he wouldn't look after the children, make sure you see this as two issues, he needs to go because his life style is unhealthy and you can't afford your children to think it's ok and they'll have their benchmark very low moving into their adulthood

Good luck

CrotchetyQuaver · 04/03/2021 08:55

Has your fiancé moved out because of your dad? Would he help you by coming back and kicking out your dad, which is what needs to happen here. Is your relationship with your fiancé over or could it be revived when your father has moved out? What a mess and seemingly your dads fault. Shocking he wouldn't even mind his grandchildren for you so you could get a day off. I'd have no problem kicking him out.

Cosyjimjamsforautumn · 04/03/2021 09:11

Your dads GF probably kicked him out for the same reason you should. At his age he needs to stand on his own 2 feet. If your fiance has left because of him would he help you move your dad out?
Your dad needs to find other accommodation.

SugarfreeBlitz · 04/03/2021 09:19

Evict him. Enlist the help of Social Services to help him if he is at all vulnerable. He is their job. They have a duty to make sure he is housed and has his needs met.

Think about getting support for yourself. Parents are supposed to support you not make your life worse.

HermioneKipper · 04/03/2021 09:22

Oh you poor love. Yes definitely give him the boot. Far too much to deal with and you need the room back

Tarantallegra · 04/03/2021 10:38

I've been in a very similar situation so completely understand how hard it can be. The highlight of my guest's temporary (16 bloody month) stay was my birthday when he stormed into the room and said "Can we do your birthday another day as I'm not in the mood" then sat in the corner of the room growling at me for the next half an hour before storming off because me and my fiancé were "ignoring him"... i.e trying to continue watching a film together and celebrate my birthday. This sort of thing happened almost every day and I ended up confined to the bedroom rather than enter "his space" (the house that I saved up for years to buy)

It was a horrible time and I cried most days but really struggled with how to tell him to leave, he has mental health issues that have always come before me so I've grown up automatically saying and doing whatever he needed and putting myself last. My fiancé stepped in eventually and asked him to leave and helped him move out (I'm not proud of it) but he nearly left me on many occasions as he just couldn't deal with it.

The way he did it was to find a bunch of suitable rooms for rent, present them to him and offered to ring on his behalf and sort everything. Presenting a solution rather than a problem was taken a lot better than expected and it did go quite smoothly in the end. I wish I'd done it much sooner but the combination of being scared of upsetting him and feeling responsible for him really held me back. You can do it though and it does get better!

forrestgreen · 04/03/2021 11:03

He's only 56, I thought he'd be 80. He needs to start his new life.

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