When did you ‘let go’ of your dreams

[Butcanyoujusttellme]

I always thought I would travel more, I’d have a more high flying career I’d go live abroad for longer, go live in the city and go out every night with my friends and that isn’t where I am.

I’ve got a decent career, I’ve done some travelling and lived in other countries, I could probably still sell my house and go do all those fun things I wanted to do in my ‘youth’ and cling on to that last little bit of my 20s/early 30s - though it would kill my savings

Or I can start to plan to buy a bigger house, put down some roots and start a family, and stay on the steady career path I’m on now.

I always thought option A was a no brainer,
But then during lockdown my career trajectory really took a hit, and I’ve quite enjoyed having time with my family (when allowed) having a work life balance, being home in the evenings with DP, and not being tired and at work 16- 20 hours a day
And I’m not sure I want to go back to that, and the idea of renting tiny flats in the city and going to bars every night sounds the worst

Was there a point for you when you consciously decided to ‘let go’ of all those things you thought you were going to do, or when you realised that maybe you didn’t actually want to do them anymore?

I did- and felt so much better for it!
Contentment is underrated.

I really wanted to travel, go to parties and have a glamorous business career! When I actually did go trotting around the world attending parties I found it really unfulfilling and wanted to come home. I was craving something and I didn’t know what it was. I met my now DH aged 21 and it changed me! I’m such a homebody now. I have an inner sense of peace that I couldn’t have ever imagined as a teenager - I think I just had all this pent up energy and didn’t know what to do with it!! I do have a good career now, a lovely home and a family - more than anything I could’ve imagined having. I don’t think I ever let go of my dreams, my dreams just changed when I grew into myself and I realised what was really important to me that’s all.

I think my whole adult life has been about hoping and dreaming and then realising it’ll never happen. Rinse and repeat. So maybe it’s about time I stopped. 🤷🏻‍♀️

@Sammiesnake maybe that’s how I need to look at it, like my dreams have changed rather than I’ve given up on them

I feel like I’ve had them for so long that if I give up on them now I don’t know what my direction is anymore
I’ve always been the person that is high achieving and hard working so if I let go of that it’s like I don’t even know who I am anymore
...to be not at all melodramatic

My dreams let go of me. I lost my career mid 20s and it forced me to refocus.
Similarly in late 30s I had to choose between my second (less prestigious) career and being around for my family as the two were incompatible.
I now have a job rather than a career, but have a life I mostly like.

I let go of my (childhood) dreams in my late twenties.. I had always wanted to work in a creative but highly competitive field, but after struggling all the way through my twenties and living on minimum wage for most of that time I realised that there were other things in life that I wanted - like getting married to then DP (now DH), buying my own home, having children, going out to eat, buying new clothes every now and then, going on holiday, learning to drive and much much more.

I could choose between continuing to struggle to achieve my childhood dream, and probably never having any of those things, and changing to a more stable (and better paid) career and getting all of the other stuff. So although I did let go of my dreams it was more that I realised that they weren't really my priority.

I also realised that all of those things that I wanted (partner, home, family etc) were actually quite difficult to get - there are plenty of people who don't find a partner, who aren't able to have children, who never own their own home (despite wanting some or all of these things). I had been striving for what I thought was a great life, and had been pretty dismissive of what I thought was an "ordinary" life - but I realised that the life that I thought of as "ordinary" was actually pretty bloody good.

That said, I have developed a pretty successful career in a new field (like you OP, I was also always a high achiever so had high expectations of myself). I just deliberately chose a career that would be more compatible (in terms of work life balance and remuneration) with the rest of the life that I wanted to have.

I think things happen for a reason. I refer to it as “that ship has sailed”. For example, for some jobs in prestigious companies I got an interview and positive feedback but somebody else was better in their opinion. I see the same job advertised now but 4-5 years on, I think it would be a backward step and not meant to be. Same if the one who got away turned up and declared undying love. Wouldn’t work. We are in our 40s, not 20s anymore, not the same. I feel my path lies elsewhere, not sure where exactly.

There was a post recently about whether your life had panned out how you expected it to when you were younger.

For me, I'm not sure I had any expectations, I just lived in each phase and was happy with my lot.

Has life turned out better or worse Than you expected? http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/amiibeingunreasonable/4170512-Has-life-turned-out-better-or-worse-Than-you-expected

your dreams can evolve and change. Don’t feel like you’re giving up on them.

@MirandaMarple that’s an interesting thread
I think maybe the grading system I’m using is off
I’m happier than I thought I’d be
But I’m not as well paid as I wanted to be

I also wanted to be more successful but actually for my age, relatively speaking in my field I’m doing ok

Obviously I’m very aware I’m in a fortunate position too, I’m not complaining about where I am, just having a bit of a crisis of direction/priorities and not wanting to regret my choices / prioritising the wrong things

I had a good foot on the career ladder in my 30's - but then met someone, married and had 4 kids in quick succession (ancient primagravida so had to get on with it, had my last child in late 30's) The career took a big hit and I did a series of p/t jobs and training courses (in a slightly different field) while they were young.

After a Masters in my "new" field I did a job I adored, but not fantastic pay, from age 50-55. Was gutted to be made redundant when my whole division was closed down. About 18 months later got a better job, for a company I'd been doing some p/t and temp work for, which really was my dream job and I was very good at it - my vision was to work my way up quickly to head of unit. I had a particular skill set they really valued and it seemed perfectly possible.

Then followed a marriage breakdown and a terminal cancer diagnosis of a close family member. Next my industry took a huge hit and they began making our technical and admin staff redundant. We were doing our own jobs, managing our teams, and having to do the admin for that managing. Next they asked for volunteers for early retirement from my staff grade....

Within 12 months I'd gone from planning out my next career moves to putting in the early retirement request.

It's 6 yrs down the line now and I'm really happy I made the choice to jump. Yes, I regret I never had the glistening career I wanted, but the other choices seemed to be the right ones for me at the time and I don't regret any of them.

I have a house, enough money to feed and clothe myself and do the things I enjoy. I got a couple of dogs, I go for long walks and, pre covid, was becoming a bit of culture vulture - museums and art galleries mid-week with a nice cup of coffee and cake.

I've had those "5yrs ago you were doing this" things pop up on FB recently which really brought home the bonkers hours I was working and how little life I had outside of work and domestic stuff.