I had a friend like this at uni. Now we have a new boss like this and it’s making me feel physically sick when she emails. It’s like they are really vulnerable and anxious people, who then horribly lash out and are mean and coercive.
So normally, they’re fine. They’re functioning adults and have nice sides and can talk nicely. Sometimes you notice a lack of confidence and nervousness about them.
But there’s a weird coercive side to them too. It’s like Jekyll and Hyde and their both victims and dicks.
I can only describe it as a habit... say you’re discussing something with them. Doesn’t mind what, can be anything from trivial to big. Which is bad because you never know when it’s coming. Say they don’t agree with something, like what to watch on telly.
You see them fairly quickly work up into anxiousness that’s bubbling over. They miss social cues to chill out. It’s totally out of context and disproportionate. Like tight anxiousness. And it’s starting to near low-level anger, they talk over you and it turns to what I was going to say domineering but in fact just coercive behaviour where they push you into agreeing with them. Then they feel triumphant and dominant, and really follow through to see if anyone questions them. And it’s usually over nothing.
So conversation I had with my boss last week was about updating a spreadsheet where I wasn’t telling anyone about a mistake - it wasn’t even her mistake, it was from an external party - it was helping everyone to fix. Her tone changes, she’s about to panic and you can hear her getting stressed - I say this is a good thing, it’s a fix. Then she says well yes you fix it (she’s pushing blame... even though there is none)... then says “look if YOU’VE done a mistake you need to really fix it” (loudly so everyone can hear), I say well yes ok and she’ll start then feeling pleased with herself... and she then talks at you solidly for 10 mins, just at you, like a really proudly saying at me (very literally) “right YOU need to fix this mistake, I can’t tell you how important is it, do you know what it takes to effect a company like this, I can’t believe no one [aka me] caught this [I just did]”. And then coercive like making you believe their lies - “do you understand? You need to fix this, it’s on you”. And digs in more and more until you just go “ugh I’ll walk away”
Now everyone’s had a weird boss. But this is literally exactly like friend from uni. Who would go in waves of normality, that would just at times stop and she’d get what you might quietly panicked and then break into near-awful anxiety, but before it peaked she’d almost target people and lash out -not physically or shout, but just start pushing them down in an argument she’d created from nothing. Like they’re riddled with really awful anxiety and feel better attacking people, being dominant and putting you in your place. The uni friend is the same as the boss, it could be about anything, how to make a sandwich, films, anything. Then 20 mins later they’re all sing-songy cheery and back to normal but in a way that’s like “are you going to question what I just did”
And their coercive side is really scary/ harmful. They want to throw you under the bus for anything, anything at all. It’s emotionally like a shove and then a triumphant strutting off. I don’t know how else you explain it. And you feel also bad for them because they’re anxious people and you can see them hurt, and then bam they get a victim and they’re back to semi normal/ being quite cocky.
If you’ve got this far... is there psychologically anything that describes acute anxiety with lashing out? It might sound common or just like someone acting like an arse, but I never thought I’d see it again and here we are. I want to know how to deal with it.
FYI one guy (junior) questioned the boss because he said she needed boundaries. He’s been moved to another department.
Job is in the office due to nature of the work. Makes me sick seeing her. It’s either bare normality or this sort of sick bullying. Any tips appreciated!!