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Original poster

How do I monitor son's email account?

20 replies

elliejjtiny · 01/03/2021 22:10

He keeps deleting emails from his inbox and sent folder. He's been deleting them from the bin as well. Is there a way of recovering them when they have been deleted? It's a gmail account.

OP posts:

MrsBrunch · 01/03/2021 22:11

How old is he?

Firefliess · 01/03/2021 22:13

I'm not sure. But if you leave his Gmail account logged in on your phone and have notifications set to ping you you'll probably see at least incoming messages before he gets a chance to delete them. I'm assuming your son is young and knows you monitor his email?

Original poster

elliejjtiny · 01/03/2021 22:14

OP posts:

MrsBrunch · 01/03/2021 22:14

Why does he need an email account of his own?

louise5754 · 01/03/2021 22:16

My kids have an email and gmail account as you need one for various apps they use. They don't have access to them though.

Original poster

elliejjtiny · 01/03/2021 22:24

The school set it up for him and the teachers use it to tell him about homework etc. He knows I monitor it but he doesn't like me seeing the emails he sends/receives to/from his friends. Which is why he keeps deleting stuff I think.

OP posts:

Original poster

elliejjtiny · 01/03/2021 22:25

He has suspected autism and a history of self harm which complicates things.

OP posts:

MrsBrunch · 01/03/2021 22:26

Can you delete the account and ask school to send stuff through your email?

Firefliess · 01/03/2021 22:34

That's a tough one really. Given that online social contact is all kids have currently, if it is just messages to his friends he doesn't want you to see, maybe you should respect his privacy and leave him alone. You wouldn't think you had a right to listen in on all their private face to face conversations would you? And if he's intent on communicating with them without you seeing his messages, I think he'll find a way whatever you do. Better to give him a bit of space and privacy, and try to build a relationship of trust with him, so he voluntarily tells you things when he needs to, rather than fighting a battle you are certain to lose of monitoring all his online communication at all times.

MrsBrunch · 01/03/2021 22:36

I think he's too young/immature to have a private account. He could be talking to anyone.

Firefliess · 01/03/2021 22:41

There really ought to be some sort of child account setting for emails and social media where a parent has to approve new contacts and set rules about what communication they can see.

Another option OP if you really are worried about him and feel you need to see what's going on would be to set up an auto forward of all the emails, or the ones to/from whoever you're worried about, so they forward to your own email address. Your son could remove the auto forwarding if he wanted though so you'd need to not tell him you'd done it, though, which I do feel might cause more damage to your relationship in the future if he found out.

Clymene · 01/03/2021 22:43

The school set it up? They should have access. Really poor IT if they set children up with an email address they have no access to.

onionbagel · 01/03/2021 22:46

Like fireflies said, You can just quietly add a forwarding email address in Gmail settings. After that you need to go into your own email address and confirm it. After that go to Gmail settings and filtering and you can set up a rule to forward all emails to your email address

BlankTimes · 01/03/2021 22:53

I agree with MrsBrunch.

If he's hiding things from you, he knows you'd not condone whatever they are, so it's a major cause for concern, not because he's doing something wrong, but in case he's being exploited, co-erced or bullied.

If he's neurodiverse, then his emotional age will be around two thirds of his chronological age.
Would you give an 8 year old a phone and not monitor the content?

Delete the existing email address and have school go via you as his appointee.

Original poster

elliejjtiny · 02/03/2021 09:16

Thankyou everyone. Dh talked to ds last night about deleting emails and I'm going to talk to the school today. I don't mind him having private conversations with his friends via email but with the self harm stuff and him being upset and not telling an adult it's really hard.

OP posts:

Firefliess · 02/03/2021 09:26

One thing I've learned from both my DC supporting friends through mental health problems and self harm, is that it's really helpful if your son's friends can have your contact details and knows they can come to you with any problems. My DS ended up calling an ambulance out to a friend who was threatening suicide even though her parents were in the house with the her at the time (in bed), because he had no means of contacting the parents directly. And my DD was immensely grateful that when a friend of hers was self harming, I did have the friend's mum's phone number and was able to let her know. The friend's mum was really grateful to me and DD for letting her know. If your DS talks to his friends, then finding a way to ensure that either they or their parents (preferably both) know how to get in touch with you if they're worried about him is hugely helpful. It may allow you to relax a little about him talking to his friends but know that they can sound the alarm if they need to or are out of their depths.

trevthecat · 02/03/2021 09:28

Get the email address and password and log in on your phone. Sync to your email app. I have both mine and my son's emails set up on my phone. Really easy and means I can check it when I want and I get notifications of new emails

LoveYourUsername · 02/03/2021 10:08

@elliejjtiny

He keeps deleting emails from his inbox and sent folder. He's been deleting them from the bin as well. Is there a way of recovering them when they have been deleted? It's a gmail account.

I don't think so.

I have used gmail for years. when it's gone, it's gone.

Why do you want to read his emails? ( admit I've not read your entire thread so maybe you have said.)

LoveYourUsername · 02/03/2021 10:12

Is there any real difference between communicating with friends via email and using social media or phones?

I think you are coming at this from the wrong angle.

At 12, he needs to be learning to be independent and make sensible choices for himself. When he's at school or out with friends in a year or so, you can't monitor him all of the time.

Rather than censor what he's doing, why not build trust and your relationship so he's more open with you and can share his feelings?

Original poster

elliejjtiny · 02/03/2021 20:29

Thankyou everyone. Ds's friends having my contact details is a really good idea. I don't want to know all his conversations with his friends. It's just that he had an incident of self harming recently after an email exchange with his friend. We came very close to losing him and I'm scared of it happening again.

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