How to move on ?

[Junegirl2021]

Hi all,
I have 2 children, one almost 18yrs and the other 7yrs (adhd)
I wanted to have 2 children close in age as was focused on my career after my 1st so started trying after 7 yr old was 1, resulted in a blighted ovum miscarriage, waited and tried again only to miscarry again which devastated me, I tried to accept it and move on, I am now nearly 40.
Fast forward a few years and my neighbour who is 42 just had her 3rd child and I am sick with envy, it’s consuming me, every time I see her I feel sick,
What’s happening to me, I feel ashamed feeling like this,
How to I move on ?? Please help

I'm sorry you are experiencing this. I not sure what to advise. I am sure someone wiser than me will reply in a minute...Don't feel ashamed of your emotions though. You can't help how you feel

I have no advise I'm sorry but I agree don't feel ashamed, you can't help how you feel and its ok to feel how you do. I'm dealing with a completely different issue but I've been reading self help books / watching self help videos.

It might help to "get it off your chest" if u write how u feel inside right down to any unpleasant feelings, a bit like u would in a diary. Obviously not to be shared.

Maybe in a form of pros and cons even.

I do that sometimes, otherwise the thoughts just go round and round in my head.

You shouldn’t feel ashamed and I’m sorry for what you have been through.

I would say, as someone who has experienced similar, had you had a third child it would be so easy to imagine the perfect outcome (I have for myself) and I have to remind myself she / he may not have been as easy / happy as the first two. Caused a rift in the relationship with the first two children, needed more help, caused health problems or PND the other two didn’t etc.

A friend of mine had third late in life and after complications their baby (now 4) has some quite server disabilities. They are a much loved and valued member of the family, but it’s a real struggle. She has had to give up the career she worked so hard for to provide almost full time care, she now works part time in a lower grade role, where people with half her talent boss her around. The other two children loose out as a result of her time being spread quite thin. She is always tired, they argue endlessly about money, etc.

Everything in life carry’s advantages and disadvantages, but it’s very easy to just see the advantages when it’s something you really want. We all go into pregnancy hoping for a dream outcome but there is never a guarantee with our first, or our the tenth that it will be that way. MN is full of people really struggling with the realities of things they didn’t always predict before they had children.

What I mean by all the above is try not to envy too hard. Three kids is tough and there are a lot of things that you can’t control that can make it tougher. You don’t know for sure that having a third would have been the best thing that happened to you and the family, or the worst, so try and factor into your feelings that you are not necessarily grieving the loss of a perfect outcome. I have friends who have had a third child and although it’s been quite straight forward it has been a lot of work and there are things they have felt the loss of too as a result, less time with their other kids while they are at quite important ages, less money / sleep and struggles with childcare. There are some advantages that come with two children ..... despite such a horrible loss it can help to see the opportunities that your life offers on this other side of the fence even though it’s not where you planned or choose to be. Well, it’s helped me anyway.

Thank you all for taking the time to reply, it is really appreciated as I don’t feel so ashamed of my feelings, any advice on ways to move forward without feeling such envy? I just always feel like there is something missing if that makes sense?