What to send my friend whose mum has died m

[cherrypiepie]

She is one of my closet friends. Her husband asked me to wait a few days before contacting her.

I said please ask friend to get in touch when she is ready. I sent a card yesterday and would like to send some flowers or a plant.

There is a choice of a peace lily house plant or a with sympathy letterbox flowers- both next.

Which should I send obviously houseplant will last many years (peace Lily's are resilient) not sure if that is a good thing?

Peace lily for me. Flowers are lovely but you can get so many that finding a vase and changing the water etc... can be a bit too much when you are grieving. A peace lily with a pot would be lovely.

We suffered a family bereavement recently and got plants and flowers. They all got given away ASAP, as looking at them kept 'reminding' us even though we didn't forget if you know what I mean.

The best thing for us was people dropping food round, like a lasagne to throw in the oven.

Sorry, I know this wasn't what you asked, but we ended up feeling like people sent flowers or plants for their own need to feel like they've done something

I agree with peace Lilly, I did get some lovely sympathy flowers when my mum died at the start of Feb, and I've just had to throw them out, which was sad. In some ways I suppose it's fitting in that it reminds you of the impermanence of life and the natural cycle of things (I am an RE teacher with a deep Interest in Buddhism) but I'm also quite sentimental and like to keep things, so a peace Lilly would be more about remembrance.

I wouldn’t have liked a plant - I still can’t stand lillies (mum must’ve bought out the whole city supply of the bloody things when dad died - even the smell...).

The best thing is to keep contact - low key if they prefer - but make sure they know that your door is always open, your phone always there when/if they want to talk (or not). Make the offer to cook or do errands if they want. The worst of when people just keep away and avoid you.

@EnglishRain sorry for your loss. Thank you so much as that is what I wanted to hear a variety of opinions so I can think it through. I did think I didn't want the lily to be a constant reminder.

Same friend did but me a lovely rose plant when I lost a baby. I have covid so I can't do the food thing and I've been asked to keep my distance atm she love 30 minutes away too.

Thank you for helping me digest this all and helping me to think it through.

My DH died 5 weeks ago, I got 29 bouquets of flowers. Whilst lovely - I have said if anyone dies close to me then in future I will send an 'hello fresh' sort of box - something practical with a use.

Peace lilies don't have the same strong fragrance as the bright orange ones do.

Personally I'd send flowers, but send them that are already in a vase, so that you're not adding work for your friend.

Remembering her loss and staying in her life as the days of grief roll into weeks and the weeks into months may be more powerful.

Do check in with your friend in a few days regardless of whatever the husband says. At this stage I was running on auto pilot. Just a 'how are you' is enough. I'd also agree no flowers as a delivery is just another thing to have to deal with. Cooked meals are a nice thought but probably not ideal in COVID times?

When my dad died last year I really appreciated flowers. Brownies were another thoughtful gift. I would not have wanted a cooked meal. I don’t like houseplants. I guess it’s difficult to judge, we’re all different.

Completely aside from the sympathy issue, if you do decide to go for flowers, Next flowers are often pretty awful. Freddie's Flowers are really good.

I've had some lovely flowers for my birthday from next and also sent some lovely ones in the past month

In which case, ignore me. Maybe I just had some bad luck with them. It is really kind of you, not only to send flowers but also to spend the time thinking about the best way to support your friend. I'm sure she will appreciate how sensitive you're being.

Cook vouchers? And Marks do nice plants for home delivery, and little trees too like olive and Holly which are lovely.

Thank you everyone also helpful

I have now had several friends lose parents. I phone a local florist and asked for a small planted basket display, with fragrance eg hyacinths. This was to avoid my friends having to do anything with the display. I wanted something that would hopefully be long lasting and provide some comfort. I sent cards separately.

When my husband died I was a bit overwhelmed with flowers and I saw someone walking up the path with another bunch and I just thought oh bloody hell - I have no space or vases but the cards and letters meant so much and also a month after he died - a friend bought me a bunch just to say I am still thinking of you that meant so much. I just send a card now and remember to get flowers a month after xxx

@MellieNelba I will do that when it is less raw thank you 💕

Very kind of you to comment

When I have had family members die I have always dreaded flowers as it's just something else to watch die. I appreciate the sentiment but they made me sad.