Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

What is it like to be a wanted and loved child?

35 replies

UnwantedChild · 27/02/2021 22:00

What is it like to have been a wanted and loved child? What does being hugged feel like? Did you go onto have a successful career? Your own family?

OP posts:
YorkieTheRabbit · 27/02/2021 22:44

Sadly I don’t know either Flowers

StillWeRise · 27/02/2021 22:49

I'm so sorry you have to ask this.
I think it's hard to answer, because if you grow up truly secure it's like the air you breathe, you don't really notice it. I haven't had a particularly successful career in conventional terms due to choices I've made (and some random events) but I've always managed to earn my living doing work I thought was useful which to me is being successful. I've had a family yes.

Changedname476 · 27/02/2021 23:07

Weird post. So you didn't feel loved wanted nor supported?
It feels like you'd imagine, that you are loved supported and important.
You know the answers you want. Maybe be honest and say what you need

FTMF30 · 27/02/2021 23:10

I think I was wanted and koved but still, my upbringing could have been better. I think you can still be loved but not have a great upbringing, which can affect your future prospects.

titchy · 27/02/2021 23:15

Lots of people who were unwanted and / or unloved have families and successful careers. You are the driver of your own route through life. Don't use a crappy childhood as a excuse as you why you can't. Choose to have the future you want.

MondeoFan · 27/02/2021 23:17

No idea, i think I was wanted but never felt loved. No one ever hugged me or told me they loved me, not parents, grandparents, brother etc nobody ever did.

Successful career? No. Always worked though and bloody hard.

Successful Relationship? No

Children of my own? Yes and I tell them I love them and hug them every single day.

Cooroo · 27/02/2021 23:20

Well since you ask... It felt great. My parents loved me. I always felt safe. My 3 big sisters loved me (most of the time!). I did well at school - though anxious about it.

I did a degree then got a 'lower level' job which I pretty much did till I retired. Never earned a vast amount but enough to buy my house. I married, had a daughter, divorced. She is the best thing in my life (my lovely partner comes second). We have a good relationship.

StillMedusa · 27/02/2021 23:33

I was an accident..but loved and wanted by my Mum at least. Dad was useless ..I don't think he meant to be, he was just too selfish to be a good father. I have a good degree but have only had low paid jobs while bringing up my own children and dh in the Forces.
Kids are now adults and we have a lovely relationship and I hug the two still at home every day :)

metalkprettyoneday · 27/02/2021 23:47

It felt good to be loved and wanted. It made me feel loveable and expect partners to love and find me interesting in my relationships. Even as an adult it’s good to know that my parents are there if needed for support.

Hugs felt good , cuddles better and made me pass this on to my daughter .
As for a career I didn’t feel the need to push to go far to meet their expectations, as I felt loved and accepted whatever I did . So have ended up with a good life work balance , two fulfilling areas of work ( rather than high status/ salary) and time with family though.

Pancake4life · 27/02/2021 23:50

feeling loved and wanted is comforting and made me feel secure. I don't really enjoy hugging...
career is good (same loved and wanted siblings don't have careers though) and half of us have went on to have our own family and the others chose not to.

bottleofbeer · 28/02/2021 00:00

Dunno. I presume it's nice?

Wonderbrush · 28/02/2021 00:01

Not sure either

But you have to move on and not dwell on the past. You can let it hold you back.

daisyjgrey · 28/02/2021 00:09

It feels like having an invisible safety net, all the time, whatever you're doing.

Bbq1 · 28/02/2021 00:14

It makes you feel safe, secure, very supported and unconditionally loved. I had a very happy childhood with a wonderful mum and dad and a brother and sister. As a child and growing up, I was always supported and encouraged and my mum and dad were always there for me as an adult too and were/are the best, most amazing grandparents. Sadly, my lovely dad passed away last year, we were very close and always hugged. Still really close to my mum, I see her most days and we still hug each other. I'm a mum and dh and I are close to our much loved son, he remembers his a childhood fondly already. We tell him we love him daily and vice versa and always hug.
I'm sorry if you had a childhood of feeling unloved, I can't imagine how hard that must be.

MrsTerryPratchett · 28/02/2021 00:17

I think of this. My mum and I like to travel together. And we went somewhere a bit less than safe once to do it. She said, "if I need to get you to safety I will". And I believed her, she would die for me, just like I'd happily die for DD. I was 35 BTW not young.

She wasn't huggy or demonstrative but I knew. Knowing is the thing.

Without that life is harder. But I know lots of young women with starts that weren't OK grow up to be loving mothers or great colleagues or just wonderful friends.

MrsTerryPratchett · 28/02/2021 00:18

BTW my mum wasn't wanted and had a rough childhood. She was a good mum.

Dowser · 28/02/2021 00:19

I was a much wanted and very loved child but after a certain age they weren’t huggers.
It never altered things though.
It’s given me a very solid foundation and a good sense of self.
I always knew they would be there for me..and they always were and I miss them dearly.
My children know I’m always there for them too.
I’m sorry for anyone who has not had my experience.

Dowser · 28/02/2021 00:23

My aunt and uncle lived round the corner, they had no children so I was like a daughter to them and my gran lived close by..again we were close.
I would’ve lived a sister but you can’t have everything

icegarden · 28/02/2021 00:27

I always felt disconnected from the whole thing. I'm trying to not repeat that with my own kids. I tell them I loved them every day & hug when they allow

RosesAndHellebores · 28/02/2021 00:27

No idea op.

It taught me resilience and that I had to stand on my own two feet and never, ever to mess my children about.
I dropped out of uni but started work aged 20 and loved it.
Met DH v late 20s (am 60 now). He hugs me every morning and before we go to sleep.
Our DC know they are loved unconditionally.
I am still working.
I never really understood until ds was in my arms a few days old and I knew I lived him so much I could never ever say anything to hurt him.
My epitaph will say "she tried to please her mother".

sunshineandshowers21 · 28/02/2021 02:27

my partner and i are at complete opposite ends of the scale with this. i’m part of a very close family and was always cuddled and kissed and told i love you everyday by multiple family members. my family have always been supportive of everything i do and are always there for me no matter what. my boyfriend on the other hand had his mum die when he was five and was raised by his dad with no other family around. his dad was horrifically abusive to him in so many ways, and my boyfriend was never told he was loved until we met. he’s now very successful and is the most incredible father and partner. i’m a qualified teacher, although i’m currently a sahm - but i’m earning good money with a web development company i set up on the side, so i suppose you could say i’m successful too. and i think both me and my partner have my family to thank for it. we had our first child at 15 and there’s no way either of us could have succeeded in finishing our education without a lot of support and childcare from my parents and grandparents. luckily my boyfriend has engaged in therapy and counselling for a few years now and has pretty much accepted his childhood and put it behind him. he’s had no contact with his dad in almost 15 years and has no intention of ever speaking to him again. he sees my family as his family, and when we marry he plans to change his surname to my family surname.

Dowser · 28/02/2021 04:49

Would you like to tell us your story op?

KarensChoppyBob · 28/02/2021 04:51

It's not a weird post at all Changedname, are you the thread police?

Testingtimesheet · 28/02/2021 08:51

For all of you struggling a really useful technique is to imagine that lonely, sad child and go back and comfort them, praise them and love them.

I’ve had moments in my past that were truly awful and they have really affected my inner voice saying terrible things to me, telling me I could never heal which made me make bad decisions. So I went back into the past and visualised a different outcome- one where things went well. I spent a long time really seeing how I felt and visualising the day to day better life. (Don’t get me wrong I am not deluded, I know full well that these things didn’t actually happen). But I fooled my inner voice into thinking that. So now when those intrusive thoughts pop into my head I superimpose the good memories into the bad. I give myself the comfort I needed then. It has made a huge difference to my life. Instead of nobody loved you there is somebody loved you very much. It takes time but it’s worth the effort. We are all worthy of love. Sometimes we have to work a little harder to believe that, to bring it into our lives but if we can feel love and joy then we have love and joy. Sorry you suffered so much OP

BertieBotts · 28/02/2021 10:18

It doesn't feel like a safety net as such, but it does feel like there's always somewhere to go home and someone that will care about me.

I don't have a successful career. Been a bit shit since I left school because everything has repeatedly failed for some reason or another.

Do have a happy family although I did have a crap relationship when I was younger. I didn't have healthy relationship models to grow up with.

I don't have trauma to deal with, which probably makes life easier than if you do.