Am I not miserable enough?

[Notabove25]

I know ridiculous, right?

I'm having a tough time atm. DH is terminally ill in hospital with no visitors. I haven't seen him in weeks, there is no imeadiate prospect of him coming home and he's not ill "enough", yet, to be allowed visitors.

Believe me I've cried a river.

However, I am generally functioning OK, which according to a senior colleague is a problem. I work in a bit of a touchy feely industry, wellbeing and MH is a big thing and this colleague is even more into it than most. She's a bit senior to me, but not my boss. However, she's been telling my boss she's worried that I'm in denial and not dealing with things properly. She lost both her parents last year, and had almost a year off with the stress of it all, which she needed and maybe I will later, but atm I'm "OK"

The way I see it:

• It's awful, really bloody awful, but there's nothing to be gained from sitting around being miserable all the time and others certainly don't want to hear about it constantly. I do have people to talk to, but I don't feel the need to share all the time at work.

-There's still plenty to be thankful for. He's an excellent husband and father who has left us well provided for and I have a decent income of my own. Obliviously none of this compensates for losing him, but it would be even harder if we were facing poverty and I have had almost 30 years with him. We've (just) got our DC to adulthood before facing the prospect of losing him.

• I'm incredibly grateful that we live in a time and a place where he can easily get excellent medical care and have his pain managed. I can't begin to imagine how awful this would be if he wasn't getting specialist pain management.

• I have a very understand employer who is giving me lots of flexibility when I need it.

• I have a hobby that I can still do on my own or with one other and that has been an absolute blessing. I can get out, with purpose, everyday and have a good network of friends and support because of it.

• My parents have been amazing through all this. In some ways, this is actually the hardest part for me. My dad, especially, has been a tremendous support and my DC won't have a father as adults but I also recognise how fortunate I am.

I do fully expect to crash and burn at some point, but do I need to fall apart now? Colleague is trying to persuade boss that I should take time off now to take care of myself. For now, especially while DH is in hospital, I think it's better for me to carry on as normal as much as possible. I'm not sure what's to be gained from sitting around with nothing to do but feel sorry for myself.

Am I setting myself up for a big fall though?

There's a part of me which thinks colleague almost needs everyone to cope as badly as she did, but I also appreciate I have a long journey ahead and there's plenty of time for my MH to deteriorate. I do feel like I'm making a decent attempt at taking care of it though.

You need to politely but firmly tell this colleague to butt out.

They are overstepping by a very very large amount.

Your first sentence of your final para is correct imo. They have an issue and your manager needs to make it stop.

Keep a good eye on yourself though as you are correct this is a lot to carry for you and your DH

I'd hate being told what to feel and what my needs are. I think it would be appropriate to tell both your manager and your colleague that you appreciate their concern, but that at this point in time you do not wish to take time off and that continuing in your job is right for you. I'd also make it clear that you will let you manager know if this changes, but that you do not wish to be constantly encouraged to take time off.

I think you should be able to do what gets you through but it is kind of your colleague to care. Do keep an eye on your self though. I had a fairly recent bereavement , carried on working in the run up and aftermath. Looking back I think that was a bit bonkers , I was exhausted and felt I just hadn't had time to breath. I was forgetful at work (made a real hash of something) and not sure i was driving very well (thought people were bullying me in my small car but didn't happen afterwards) . I think i should ve taken some time or stepped back , maybe someone could've helped me see that but I am not sure time at home with no work would've helped either. Best wishes

I think if we were living in normal times it would make sense for you to take some time off now to spend with your DH. That isn't possible at the moment and you feel well enough to carry on working, so why not. You are lucky enough to have a supportive employer and so you have the security to know you will be able to take time off when you need it. We all deal with situations differently, you sound like you are coping in the best way you can at the moment. Just try to continue to be kind to yourself, and do take the time off as soon as you feel it would be helpful to you.

You don’t sound like you’re in denial, you’ve a very clear thought process and are doing what you can. Your feelings may catch up with you (not necessarily immediately after his death - it can take a while) which is when having some time off can really help, because work is the one thing you can step back from to give you space and time to heal. In the meantime, if you’re feeling that having a routine and focus is helping, I’d keep doing what you’re doing.

You may crash later, but mourning and grieving aren’t a sign of poor mental health, quite the opposite. Pathologising normal human emotions is so unhelpful and can get in the way of you looking after your own needs.

Some folk have a strange idea that because they needed X everyone in a similar position needs the same, will react in the same way. I’d tell her firmly to back off, thank your boss for her concern and tell her you’ll let her know if you need anything from her and in the meantime it’s important that work is a bit of an escape so can she stop bringing it up for now.

Don’t let your strength just now stop you from taking time if you need it later.

I’m sorry you’re going through this.

You sound like you are very self aware.
Everyone deals with things differently, maybe ask your manager to ask your colleague to leave it.
She's trying to be kind but she's making you feel stressed.
Hope you're ok 💐

It all sounds very logical to me. Just because your colleague would deal with it in a different way doesn't mean her way would work for you. I think you need to ask your manager to get colleague to back off. Just make sure you do take time off when you do need it. It's great your manager is flexible and supportive.

You sound very like me and how I'd be dealing with it and I'd be very pissed off with your colleague too. For me I think I'd be wanting to tell my manager exactly what you've put here, either face to face in a meeting or by email and asking them to tell the colleague to back off and mind their own business. You'll know if you're not coping or need time off and that's the time you'll need their support. In the meantime tell the colleague to butt out

Tell your boss simply that:

• you are well supported out side work
• right now, one of the things you need is to be able to come in to work and to get on with your job, because that is structure that benefits you.
• the best thing that, right now, work can do for you is to let you just do your job
• you will let her know if that needs to change

All with a heavily implication that 'interference from other colleagues into my wellbeing, when they are not my chosen confidante or part of my support network, is highly unwelcome and not remotely helpful'

You sound like you are dealing with things the best way you can in very hard circumstances.

Weeping and wailing and falling apart doesn't mean someone cares more than others. It might be what some need to do but it doesn't really achieve anything. I think I'm more with you OP. Private crying and taking one day at a time in the best way you can.

I'm sorry for your sad situation in such difficult times.

YANBU at all. We've just been through this with my dad and my mum and I were similar. He died last month and my mum is still coping really well without being in denial at all, she's incredible and you sound the same.

I think you need to use their language. Thank you manager, but I've always been quite resilient and I'm coping well for now. Having the usual day to day routine keeps me going, and I'm self aware enough to recognise when that is no longer the case.

You sound like you are coping in the way that works for you. Some people only seem to understand grief/not coping if it involves sack cloth and ashes. You do you, a polite comment that we all deal with stress and grief in different ways to your colleague and I think you're good. It really is none of her business. I have a friend who lost her husband last year and she has kept moving forward, I'm sure she does have shit days but she is just not the kind of person who is going to let it run her life, that is not how she is. A friend did this to me when I broke up with my bf many moons ago and seemed to want me to be utterly traumatised and not move forward and for the life of me I couldn't see why. I was upset but life moves on and I personally don't see how "being miserable" to satisfy other people's expectations helps.

I am so sorry your going through this, it sounds like you are dealing with things really well and are anticipating that may change. Your colleague is over reacting on your behalf. I too work in a touchy-feely company and I have always gone by what my employees want and need, if they feel a few days off is enough that’s fine, as is a month. I definitely would not be listening to other employees on the matter.

It sounds as though this colleague is actually making things harder for you. Is it possible to say that?

I wonder whether your colleague thinks (consciously or unconsciously) that you coping so well is making her look bad.