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Original poster

Would you allow DD to have bariatric surgery?

111 replies

Stephens90 · 26/02/2021 00:48

Hi,

DD is 17 and has recently been referred, with the intent of having a gastric bypass. She has a BMI of almost 60.

This isn't a post to figure out why I let her get that size. She gained 10 stone in the last 6 years since she joined secondary. My other children are not overweight.

She has recently been diagnosed with PCOS.

I've tried to support her with weight loss for a very very long time. She did slimming world last year but couldn't keep the weight off. Followed the NHS weight loss plan, calorie counted, etc.

She has bad depression and it seems everything is such a vicious cycle, I'm worried I will lose her if I don't support her down the surgery route. She is breathless after getting up and walking to the bathroom and honestly it scares me I'll wake up without her.

On the other hand, she is so so young and I feel it's such a life changing decision at just 17, but I do trust the consultants who have said to me she simply won't have a life if it continues and they believe surgery is the best thing.

I'm just so unsure and want to ask from other parents perspective instead of from health professionals.

Thank you

OP posts:

AtlasPine · 26/02/2021 00:50

Yes I would. She is potentially very ill indeed with that BMI, poor girl.

SleepingStandingUp · 26/02/2021 00:51

What does she want? Does she fully understand the implications? Is she actually going to change her eating habits or will she still try to eat the same volume and cause more harm?

I think if this is a grown up decision for her to change and you truly don't think anything else will work then probably yes.

Can you afford help to get her to turn her diet and mental health around?

Einszwei · 26/02/2021 00:57

It is a life changing decision- but hopefully one that will help improve her quality of life.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Weight management

OnceIWasAnApe · 26/02/2021 00:59

I'd go for it.
Must be so worrying for you OP. Hope you have plenty of support and kindness from those around you.

Original poster

Stephens90 · 26/02/2021 01:00

I think she gets it but I worry she doesn't fully comprehend how it is going to affect her forever. I think she is definitely focused at just not feeling how she is now.

That's one of my worries too, that she will fall back into old habits. Especially as she so desperately wants to lose weight but still over eats. Which is something I can't fully understand. She says she thinks the surgery will help her with this.

She was completely against surgery to begin with but her depression has really gone out of control these last few months and she seems to now be quite for it.

Before this, she had help from CAMHS who didn't really help with the eating at all and the depression was just getting worse. They now have referred her for IAPT which I think will be the same. It's hard because the consultants who see her at the bariatric service seem very pushy for surgery claiming it's the only option at this point, it will benefit a lot etc etc and then her mental health services seem to say her mental health isn't really in a good enough place but then that's because of her weight so I really don't know.

OP posts:

JesusAteMyHamster · 26/02/2021 01:01

That sort of weight is going to kill her at some point.

Whatever she does she needs to be willing to make lifestyle changes. Bariatric surgery is not an easy route. It also can be cheated to an extent........whether she goes for it or not isnt the issue it's whether she can sustain the lifestyle choices that need to come with it.

Original poster

Stephens90 · 26/02/2021 01:06

Honestly I am so so worried. She will break down when we wake up and she says she went and got a pizza in the night (she used to work and has money from that which really doesn't help as I simply cannot control anything and I know she is 17 but I'd actually be pleased if she didn't have the money) and she will cry and say how terrible she feels and what can I say? I can't be like "you know it's going to kill you" because I simply worry she will try and attempt suicide (something she has done in the past) but yet I know the weight will as well and she does know this too but it's like she can't stop herself and if that's the case, surely she will be the same after surgery? I'm honestly worried sick. It keeps me up every night.

OP posts:

MoreRainbowsPlease · 26/02/2021 01:07

What type of weight loss surgery are they recommending?

I have a family member who got a gastric band in their late 20's after being overweight since their teens. It was not an easy option for them, they still had to completely change their eating habits after surgery. But the thing that she has said has really helped her is the fact that she now knows she can not physically overeat like she used to. She said she sees it almost as a safety net. She still has to eat sensible portions and healthily, but she says she feels relief that the band is almost there as a back up.

However my family member had to pay privately for their band and so I think after spending 6 grand on it (about 10 years ago), they had a lot more incentive to make it work!

If you daughter can see it as an aid to weightloss rather than the complete solution that would be good. But it sounds like she is caught in a vicious circle with her weight and her depression and hopefully this would enable her to break that.

Sycamoretrees · 26/02/2021 01:07

What a difficult situation, I'd be inclined to think that her mental health is the route cause of this and some intensive therapy may be her best option, however she may not be able to access the help she needs (financially, wait lists etc), so the surgical route may have to be the solution. Although I suspect won't be a miracle cure, but may buy her some time. I'm sorry you are both in this situation.

JesusAteMyHamster · 26/02/2021 01:10

Stepehns90 I can see why CAHMS are so concerned and they're right. She needs to be supported properly with her poor mental health first before surgery can be considered.

Obviously her weight needs tackling but at the moment she's caught up in a vicious circle. If she binged after having gastro surgery she could do herself some real damage.

GeorgiaGirl52 · 26/02/2021 01:13

I gave permission when my DD was 17. We had to do it then while she was still covered by my insurance. She got gastric bypass. She had to stop smoking to have the surgery, which was a plus. She lost weight - from size 22 to size 14, another plus.
Unfortunately, boys started to notice her, she got pregnant, put on a lot of baby weight and never got it all off. She eventually gained it all back plus some AND started back smoking.

Surgery is not a magic spell. Your daughter needs to be committed to changing her life style too, or if will be a temporary fix.

Original poster

Stephens90 · 26/02/2021 01:15

She has been seeing CAMHS since she was 13 and waited 2 years for CBT. The service is definitely struggling. Although we all know how bad her mental health is, I worry if she doesn't get any weight off, it's going to make it worse (she is on antidepressants but still wakes up every day telling me she doesn't want to live) but if she doesn't get the mental health sorted it's going to make the weight worse. I really don't know the answer. I've tried everything to sort her mental health and they say they are doing everything they can and I do believe that but what are you supposed to do when she did the CBT course, is on antidepressants and still has to be talked out of ending her life almost every morning? I'm just exhausted and heartbroken. Seeing her like this at 17 when she should be enjoying her life really breaks me.

OP posts:

LunaHeather · 26/02/2021 01:16

I'm not anti the surgery

Just wondering if she is on any meds that cause weight gain

Or if any other clinical causes might have been overlooked?

AFAIK if you have this surgery and still overeat, it's dangerous.

missperegrinespeculiar · 26/02/2021 01:17

Oh OP, this is so hard.

I am hesitant to mention this, as this is such a complex situation and I would certainly not suggest you try this on your own. But, if you can get a doctor and therapist on board to oversee it, intermittent fasting protocols have proven to be very effective in breaking the cycle of dieting and putting on weight again.

At that weight, with a good fasting protocol, she would probably lose weight quite quickly initially which may be encouraging for her.

But you really would need a doctor and therapist on board!

Original poster

Stephens90 · 26/02/2021 01:20

Thanks very much for the replies by the way.

The only thing she has is PCOS and is on fluoxetine.

So I don't believe there is anything else that would cause it but I just don't understand how she did gain so much weight especially when I was in control of her food. I knew she did steal money and binged from time to time but it seems like such a huge amount to have gained.

OP posts:

VimFuego101 · 26/02/2021 01:21

At that weight/ BMI I would certainly support surgery. However, slimming world and the large volumes of carbs it allows you to eat are not a good fit for someone with PCOS. A dietician who is familiar with PCOS and insulin resistance would be useful until such time as she makes a decision on the surgery.

missperegrinespeculiar · 26/02/2021 01:21

for people asking about underlying causes, OP said she has PCOS.

The syndrome has a well-known connection to weight increases and is also very poorly understood and often not diagnosed for ages!

trunumber · 26/02/2021 01:23

I've no knowledge of the surgery but can't they refer her to a specialist eating disorder service. It's shocking that they're expecting an IAPT therapist to offer what really should be a specialist therapy at this stage.

LunaHeather · 26/02/2021 01:24

@Stephens90

Thanks very much for the replies by the way.

The only thing she has is PCOS and is on fluoxetine.

Has she seen an endocrinologist?

Fluoxetine does cause gain - personal experience - but I appreciate other factors are at play. Has she tried other meds?

Also, Iong shot, can you afford private therapy at all?

Has she tried the Pill for the PCOS? Sorry for all the questions - long term A&D here so I'm just thinking of factors that need addressing.

YukoandHiro · 26/02/2021 01:28

Yes. Without it her life expectancy is staggeringly low. Help her find a route out.

addler · 26/02/2021 01:29

It's very unlikely she'll become a healthy weight from that BMI without surgical intervention. The rapid weight loss from the surgery could kick start her motivation and also reset her hormone imbalance, it did for me- I started having regular periods from the time of doing the pregnancy-op liver diet.

I was 27 when I had my surgery, I wish I had had it at 17.

I would also get her specialist food related therapy. Weight Matters has excellent reviews, if you can afford private I would really encourage it, because while the surgery is amazing and life changing it won't address why she has the eating habits she does or the thoughts and feelings that lead to it.

Original poster

Stephens90 · 26/02/2021 01:30

No she hasn't seen anybody and also hasn't had any PCOS pill. Her periods recently came back (after being gone for 14 months) not sure for how long they will be here for but her GP didn't say much after knowing that!

We asked CAMHS about eating disorder help who told us she didn't qualify. I don't know if they consider binge eating a "proper" eating disorder as all they did was ask if she was making herself sick which she does not and that apparently decided their decision.

I'd love to pay privately but I just can't afford it. I paid privately once for a few sessions of counselling after her suicide attempt simply because I couldn't believe they discharged her as she said she regretted it? Which kind of baffled me as she is clearly still suicidal. However, when we finally got her appointment I had to stop the sessions as they were so expensive.

OP posts:

YukoandHiro · 26/02/2021 01:31

The surgery won't be completed unless the surgeon is sure she's psychologically in the right place. It does sound like she needs to do some work on her mental health first

LunaHeather · 26/02/2021 01:45

OP this statement in particular makes me think she should be seen by an endocrinologist. I would ask the GP for an urgent referral.

"So I don't believe there is anything else that would cause it but I just don't understand how she did gain so much weight especially when I was in control of her food. I knew she did steal money and binged from time to time but it seems like such a huge amount to have gained."

Original poster

Stephens90 · 26/02/2021 02:09

Thank you! I will be sure to look into that

OP posts:

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