This sounds ridiculous, but I don't know how to tell people I have a boyfriend

[SupersonicPouffe]

Part of the problem is that I'm 33 and I've never had a boyfriend before.

My colleagues are desperate for me to meet someone, and have a tendency to go overboard. A lot of us have worked together for the last 10 years so we are very close. The last time a girl got a new boyfriend they printed off his FB profile and plastered the break room in it.

Then there's my mum. My dad and her were very strict when I was a teenager, which is partly why I'm such a late starter, but she's also a horrific gossip and will inform the entire extended family. She will also manage to be very judgy of me staying overnight with him etc.

How the fuck do I do this? I'm such a private person but I'm now having to lie about what I'm doing and where I'm going.

Just...don’t lie?

Who cares if your mum tells the entire extended family? You’re 33! You’re allowed a boyfriend and a sex life - and you’re allowed to be sparing with the details.

“Sorry I cant do drinks tomorrow I’m seeing my boyfriend”.

You’ve built this up to momentous proportions in your head - it really isn’t.

Do you live with your mother?

Christ, no. I have built it up though. I feel like they'll all laugh at me

Do you actually want to tell them?

You don't need to announce it, if it comes up naturally in conversation that you are heading to a date/will be on a date then go with that. I'd just say it's early days so you want to see where it goes without the pressure of the outside world so if they could give you privacy around it for now you will let them know as it develops then take your time and feed them snippets as you feel comfortable.

You are 33 your body, your life. Be confident in this and your choices and they will follow your lead hopefully.

I'd like to just chat about it as part of normal conversation, e.g. 'what are you doing at the weekend' but I really don't want to be interrogated, and i know what they're like, they'll all be like dogs with bones. I know it's so silly.

You don’t have to use the word “my boyfriend”. You could just mention when it fits into a conversation “a man I’ve been seeing”. Then when workmates ask just give his first name. Make it sound new and casual, then over time it will become clear he’s your boyfriend.

Let them know then tell them absolutely nothing else.

@SupersonicPouffe

I'd like to just chat about it as part of normal conversation, e.g. 'what are you doing at the weekend' but I really don't want to be interrogated, and i know what they're like, they'll all be like dogs with bones. I know it's so silly.

You can say “Hoping to see Mike this weekend on Saturday”, then there will be some annoying quizzing (“Ooh, who’s Mike?” etc) which you’ll deal with by saying “A guy I’m seeing - early days but he seems nice” and then just move on. If anyone doesn’t get the hint just say bluntly “I’m really not going to talk much about it - it’s early days, like I say.”

You don’t need to be embarrassed or give loads of details.

Hope you’re enjoying yourself despite the worries!

I really am. Looking forward to life post-covid in particular!

If anyone doesn’t get the hint just say bluntly “I’m really not going to talk much about it - it’s early days, like I say.”

This sounds good. I will practise

You're colleagues sound like horrible bullies. That's not normal to plaster the staff room walls with his picture. I wouldn't tell them anything.

Maybe get it over and done with while we are still unable to visit etc. Drop by with him for doorstep visit to say 'hi and bye 'on your way somewhere , then leave them to get over it. It ll soon be old news and hopefully they will get to like him and be pleased fir you. With work that sounds awful and bullying.

@Crinkle77

You're colleagues sound like horrible bullies. That's not normal to plaster the staff room walls with his picture. I wouldn't tell them anything.

This. I'm amazed anyone wants to work there.

Why would you tell your parents if you're staying over at his home? Do you live with your parents?

Say nothing... unless they ask 🌺

Well lying is disrespectful but so is their behaviour. So if you know you're going to get disrespectful behaviour from these people then I don't see how they deserve your respect, so I'd keep lying! And when one day you do tell them, give them no information not even his name. It's up to you how much of your privacy you give up.

I pay attention to people who tell me other people's secrets and make sure I never tell them mine. I have trusted people who I tell plenty to, and I have others who I tell I'm busy, with a friend, unavailable, not convenient, a family thing etc and that's all the info they get on my whereabouts and activities.

You do whatever works best for you. I was incredibly close to one parent and not at all with the other but both got a phone call announcing I was engaged and that was the first they ever heard about me having a relationship with anyone for pretty much the reasons you listed. And I am not remotely a private person.

Your colleagues sound appalling, and I would tell them nothing. And how would your mother know whether you’ve spent the night with someone, fearless feel she has the right to be critical about it?

I would keep schtum about everything to these people.

Shitty colleagues. Tell them bugger all. If you let it slip then they are all around you , explain that you will not be telling them all your business after what happened to another colleague.

Dear god your colleagues sound over invested. I get it OP. I'm private as well. I would just say in passing about your weekend plans. And then just move on.

One of my friends had been seeing someone for ages before mentioning it. Whilst I was happy for her and interested after a 10 minute conversation it moved on.