Desperate for help, scared of how I feel

[selfsabotage]

I’m 31 with a toddler and a baby on the way. I’ve always been an anxious person but I’m falling apart. I posted on mental health but I don’t know if people go on that sub. I’m lying in bed hysterical and I just need someone to say something to me

I can’t stop worrying literally all day everyday. Googling the worst cases. Freaking myself out

My husband is 46 and despite the fact we’ve been nothing but happy, have a lovely family and just bought our own home I have spiralled for weeks about the age gap and how it’s going to become noticeable with age and everything’s going to fall apart and I’m going to be left alone. Or the attraction will go and I’ll just be depressed. I can’t stop googling the age gap and reading other people’s experiences and then I lie in bed and cry that I’ve made a huge mistake and I’m going to regret building my life with him. It’s breaking his heart cause he’s done nothing wrong

I’m constantly worried about my kids. That I’m not good enough. That I’m not doing the right things. That climate change is going to kill them. That I shouldn’t of bought kids into this fucked up world. That if the age gap between me and their dad does become an issue to the point I have to leave one day that I will of fucked their lives up. That they don’t love me

I’m constantly worried about my future. Feel like I’m going to be lonely and isolated forever. That I won’t ever achieve anything. That I’ll always feel depressed and like I’m just surviving

It feels like I’m sabotaging myself. Obsessively focusing on the age gap and how bad it’s going to be until I get to the point I can’t even look at my husband and I ruin my family and I lose my kids and then I have nothing left. I don’t want to do this. I don’t know why I’ve started doing this and why it’s getting so fucking bad.

I have so much to be happy about and it all feels tainted and wrong and I’m so fucking depressed

Ring your midwife and explain as you have so clearly in your OP. They will listen and signpost you to help and support.
You are not alone.

Literally feel like I’m screaming and no one can hear me. I’m at breaking point

Bless you OP - sending socially distanced hugs. You are definitely not alone. Please reach out for help. Ring your GP & go from there. You don’t need to struggle 💐💐💐

If it helps any to redress the balance my husband and I have a similar age gap and had children together when he was 45 and 48. We’ve been married for 14 years now and grown in strength and closeness. Our sex life is fab, our attraction is strong and he is a fantastic dad with tonnes more energy than my ex who became a dad at 22 and never gave his time or energy to me or his kids.
There are no definites in this world and relationships take work and communication- not magic. You have some control over this and are not helpless to the outcomes. However, you are pregnant and I wonder if this is some form of prenatal depression that needs specific medical support and treatment. So please seek help from your midwife. And/or GP.

Everything just feels so dark. How could I be so happy and now suddenly worrying that it’s all been a huge mistake. It’s just not right

I'm so sorry OP. You are catastropzising, try taking some deep deep breaths 5 seconds in, 5 seconds out. When you feel a tiny bit calmer contact your midwife or gp, they can help you. Don't put contacting them off, you can be helped.

I just don’t want to of got this wrong. All I’ve ever wanted is a nice husband, a nice family, a nice home and I have literally all of that and I thought I’d done it and then I just read horror stories of how bad it’ll all become. How difficult it will be. How I should of picked someone my own age and I just want to cry. I can’t go back and change any of this now and I’m so scared I won’t stop feeling this way

It hasn't gone wrong, you haven't chosen the wrong things. Your mind and probably hormones are playing tricks on you.

Look at it this way, you are actively seeking out failure stories about relationships, instead of looking for positive stories. Why are you suddenly doubting all your choices and decisions, why only focus on negatives? Please seek help, this is not you choosing wrong, but you mind playing tricks.

Like the first poster said - call your midwife right now and tell them everything you’ve put in the post (do it right now the second you’ve just read this - call and explain, they will help get you support)

I have generalised anxiety disorder and was like this at the beginning of my pregnancy (I’m 33 weeks preg with a 3 yo DS). It really helps to understand anxiety and where it’s coming from - but essentially you start worrying about something - perhaps you snap at your partner, or start “what iffing” and catastrophising the age gap. Then you feel guilty about that, then you next see your partner, or something about the age gap comes up again, and you feel anxious because you feel guilty about what you thought/said - and it’s a vicious cycle.

When you feel anxious, your brain releases a chemical chain that results in extra cortisol and chemicals to be released into your blood stream. Where as when you have a normal anxious reaction to something the cortisol is absorbed into the blood stream, with anxiety, the chemical reaction keeps getting triggered and you get more cortisol released etc.

It’s important to get professional help with this, not just ADs but also therapy to address any issues you have (such as are there any traumatic memories underlying your anxiety that need resolving)

A few things that might help you in the meantime (it takes a conscious effort to practice and learn to control the anxiety,there is no magic wand!)

1. when you start a thought such as “what if...” imagine a massive STOP sign slams up in your mind - you might scream stop internally, throw your hands up etc - it can be whatever colour you want. Just as soon as that thought process starts (which triggers anxiety!) scream STOP at yourself. Distract yourself (I’ll link an activity below which I do which can be used here).
   
   The what iffing gets you nowhere and wastes your energy - try and learn to control stopping it from starting and spiralling.

2. when you start feeling anxious and feel it building up, try some belly breaths - take a massive deep breath in through your nose, filling up from your tummy to the top of your lungs. Take the breath for around 4 seconds. Then breathe out from your belly up, for 7 seconds - repeat at least 3-5 times, do it through the day and whenever you need it.

3. this is the activity I do when I’m spiralling and panicking (I use this before needles and injections as they trigger me)

4. I take a note at the end of each day of how I’m feeling - I lost 3 good things, 3 I could have handled better, and a “STOP” moment. So today for example:

Good so far: I’ve cleaned downstairs, I made a healthy breakfast

Could be better: grumpy with DS as I’m not sleeping well with PGP, worrying about car seat fitting baby

STOP: I haven’t had to scream stop at myself yet today

Also - stop googling! Stop. Uninstall it from your phone if you have to. Move the app to where you have to go looking for it to give you time to change your mind to google whatever. Every time you pick your phone up to trigger anxiety (as that’s effectively what’s happening), put it down for at least 5 minutes. You can download apps which block you using your phone or particular apps also. (A big trigger for me was Facebook, so I deleted my account and it’s helped hugely)

That’s all I can think of off the top of my head... I hope some of it is helpful. Please do feel free to DM me if I can help any more - I’m happy to pass on my therapists details also as she specialises in women’s mental health. As I said, I have GAD and had it for years (this also presents as severe pre and post natal anxiety with pregnancy). I know how you’re feeling