I’ve been an emotional mess lately. I feel I have no where to vent without letting the person feel hurt. I felt this is probably the best place to do this. Bit of background story: I am a mum of a 4 year old. Been trying for the past years for a sibling. Suffered 2 miscarriages in the past 6 months and been feeling really emotional since being on Levothyroxine for a fertility program. My pms feels ten times worse and I feel very emotional vulnerable in terms of anxiety depression etc. I have also recently suffered a loss of family and friends due to covid. And to top it off sleepless nights without my daughters recent asthma diagnosis. Reason for mentioning all of this just to give an idea of how overwhelmed I am feeling right now.
My younger sister who too suffered from her own losses and finally after 3 years have birth to my beautiful niece , the miracle baby. She is staying with us so we can assist her for the first few weeks of postpartum. (We are all staying with our mother currently so it’s the main family home)
This hasn’t been easy for me.
Since my miscarriage I have been actively raising awareness on miscarriages etc I thought it was helping with the healing process. But I too needed to heal before helping others heal.
I’ve had babies Of friends being born in the space of a week. I would be ok one moment and prepare all the surprises presents etc for all the babies and the running around for my sis to make this arrival extra special for her. I instantly fell in love with her. Yet when I would be alone in bed the tears wouldn’t stop flowing. My best friend whom I’ve been pregnant with my daughter also announced she was pregnant . I never thought I could feel sad on someone’s happy moment. But I felt I couldn’t control what I was feeling.
My sister has been doing really well and I’m super proud and happy for her. I prayed so much for her and I honestly couldn’t be prouder of her.
Yet I felt I was in a more vulnerable situation. I felt more emotional. The slightest thing would make me run to my room and make me cry.
So when I first assisted in helping change the diapers and hold her etv i really lacked in confidence. I felt as though I had forget the. Everything and thag really impacted on how I felt. I felt like a failure in terms of not being able to give my child a sibling and a failure in forgetting the basics of what I once knew.
Then as time progressed I started getting better and felt more confident and just couldn’t get enough of my niece. But then whenever I was holding her I was told “you’re holding her wrong” “watch her neck” “you keep holding her like that”
I sucked it in and accepted she’s the mother she has every right to tell me this. But I felt really low. It was just adding to the feeling of failure. I felt I never did this with my daughter and the fact I was a mother myself was just ignored. I know this is wrong and I know many will say I should respect what the mother is saying . And I agree. But it just felt it was constant .
Then the next occasion whcih causes me to write this thread and lock myself in my bedroom was when I picked my niece up. This is how I’ve always been duaghyer up as a new born . I was never told it was wrong or can cause issues. Until now. I was picking her up from the mamaroo from under her arms so I can get a grip then put her into cradle position. Instantly my sister told me “don’t pick her up like this did mum not tell you “ and I was so confused. I was never told this before and I must have missed it whne my mother mentioned it to my sister as I’ve been holding my daughter like this all along . That really knocked my confidence and I just broke me. In writing this in tears and yes I may sound emotional to some but I feel this is the best way to write up my emotions and maybe get some words of comfort or understanding if whatever I am feeling is normal.
Thank you