Is bullying generally less of a problem at private schools?

[lillymay84]

I went to a state school in a deprived area and it was horrendous. Low educational attainment and bullying was bad. It was physical as well as normal teasing, and I generally did not feel safe at all. I am tempted to go private with my own DC just to avoid this. I know bullying will happen anywhere but surely it can't be as bad in independent schools? I would be interested to hear your experiences of anyone who had had a child in both state and private, or just private VS their own state school experience? Ta.

Why “surely”? Surely it will depend on the school’s ethos regardless of status. My DS is at a private which handled a racist incident appallingly yet I don’t hold it against the school as it handles many other pastoral issues exceptionally well. Re racist incident, they took on board my feedback and have better systems in place to deal with it.

Kids in a number of schools , both private and state. The type of school makes no difference. The attitude and effectiveness of the head and teachers makes all the difference.

All schools are different, state and fee paying.

I went to private school on a scholarship. I was quiet, shy and really tiny! I was never bullied and I wasn't aware anyone else was either.

However all schools are different and there is no guarantee bullying would be less of a problem at a private school. You'll have to research all your local schools and choose based on your own DCs personality and needs.

We have experience of both. I’d say it comes down to not only the head, teacher but also the cohort and parents.

I think in private as there's a huge emphasis on academic success they'll be a lot less low level disruption and things like kids being rude to teachers and bunking off to smoke behind the bike sheds etc won't happen as much, obv having money and privilege does protect you from certain things but bullying can happen anywhere.in fact there was an awful thread last year where a girl was horribly bullied at private school and the school were scared to tackle the Bully as her family were powerful and invested loads of money in the school.

Can't comment on private or even schools today, but I went to an all girls selective grammar in the 90s/00s. There was a lot of teasing and verbal bullying, mean girls type stuff. But nothing physical. The girls' comp in the same town was horrific for physical violence. On the day I looked round we saw a physical fight and there were some girls starting a fire! I also heard horrendous stories of physical violence from other comps in the surrounding area.

My friends DS who has autism was bullied horribly at two different private schools.

There is the lovely mantra to be yourself always but there is also when to artfully fit in to be diplomatic as much as that may be difficult.

Of course many private schools have an entrance exam to filter dc.

Bullying will happen everywhere, state or private. You can only hope that the school handles it appropriately. I think bullying, nastiness and unpleasant behaviour goes on at all schools. Remember too it’s not just in school, the bullying over social media is massive across the board too. That’s where some of the real nastiness goes on

I would say bullying happens at all schools.
What is different is how the school deals with it.

Any school that says they have no bullying, do not touch with a bargepole as what they really mean is that they sweep it under the carpet and don't deal with it.

but surely it can't be as bad in independent schools?

Are you kidding? It can be horrendous anywhere. I was at a top girls independent school and the bullying was relentless. Where you have a queen bed and a group of girls who are scared of her you’re opening yourself up to all sorts.

From my own children and their friends it’s the botch backhand alienation amongst many of the girls which causes the most problems. The boys seem to be less so but it can manifest its self in plenty of teasing of children who don’t conform or aren’t good at football / miss the winning goal / aren’t allowed the same freedoms

Very little bullying at the prep school my sons went to, there was a really close family atmosphere in the classes because there were only 11- 15 in each class, which encouraged them to be kind to each other. On the odd occasion something did happen the head came down on the perpetrator like a ton of bricks, with a good telling off and sanctions. I think bullying flourishes in state schools because very little is done about it.

@MargaretThursday

I would say bullying happens at all schools. What is different is how the school deals with it.

Any school that says they have no bullying, do not touch with a bargepole as what they really mean is that they sweep it under the carpet and don't deal with it.

This in spades.

Private schools have bullying, of course they do, but a good head and good teachers make a difference.

@Atrixie

but surely it can't be as bad in independent schools?

Are you kidding? It can be horrendous anywhere. I was at a top girls independent school and the bullying was relentless. Where you have a queen bed and a group of girls who are scared of her you’re opening yourself up to all sorts.

From my own children and their friends it’s the botch backhand alienation amongst many of the girls which causes the most problems. The boys seem to be less so but it can manifest its self in plenty of teasing of children who don’t conform or aren’t good at football / miss the winning goal / aren’t allowed the same freedoms

I said surely it can't be as bad in independent schools because if it were that bad (and I mean physical assault level) you wouldn't pay thousands of pounds to send your dc there.

I went to private school - bullied. Badly. school did fuck all. I punched the bully in the end and got an applause from the teachers and other parents (early 90's) she was expelled and I remained for 3 glorious, happy, very happy years at the school once she'd gone.

DC are at private school, they have a ZERO tolerance on bullying and this is one of the reasons I chose this particular school.

As PP said, depends on head and staff.

I later found out that the said bully at my school was subject to seeing this behaviour at home - says it all.

I still shudder at the way I was bullied, 30 years later

The thing is I thought I got bullied terribly in secondary school. I told my husband about the name calling and the isolation that happened in my all girls fee paying school in years 7 and 8.

He laughed. And then explained to me the truly awful stuff that went on in his school that to me sounded like an episode of Grange Hill. Including people using weapons in each other.

My daughter got into trouble for something minor that happened outside of her fee paying school. My sister was told to call the police for something that happened outside of his state school (who told her it was a school matter). She had to move schools.

So I think it probably depends which two schools you are comparing. Teens bully each other but I suspect it is not allowed to escalate to the same extent in many few paying schools.

@MrsTerryPratchett
@MargaretThursday
I know bullying will happen in every school but I can't imagine it happening to the same extent in private. In my experience I didn't even feel safe in the classroom at times, due to being targeted by a group of kids and the general level of disruption, which must have hindered my actual education massively. I can't imagine this happening in private due to the emphasis on attainment, smaller class sizes, discretion in who gets into the school in the first place... I can't imagine anyone paying for the rubbish education I got.

It doesn’t have to be physical to be bullying though.

A lot more emotional bullying happens in settings where the physical just isn’t seen as the done thing. So name calling, emotional intimidation etc, and that can happen anywhere. In fact it’s far more likely in a setting such as a private school because money talks and everyone knows it.

Friend of mine had two children who were badly bullied in the private school they attended, and the pastoral care was non existent, and that is also often the case, where the school is more focused on academic attainment the emotional wellbeing seems to slide out of sight.

But if you look at e.g. the city and the large financial institutions, the workplace bullying culture, especially towards women, is rife. And many of those people will have attended private school, and let’s be honest, if you’re like it as an adult then you were probably like it as a child.

You can't compare, all schools are different and all children are different

Even if there was some way for one child to go to two schools that were totally identical apart from how they were funded to compare that wouldn't tell you anything about how your child would get on would it?

Anecdata about bullying is useless to help you decide unless there were schools where literally everyone or no one was bullied. Idon't mean to sound difficult but think about it, there's no correlation between individual childrens experience of bullying that you can extrapolate to a different child in a different school.

The thing is I thought I got bullied terribly in secondary school. I told my husband about the name calling and the isolation that happened in my all girls fee paying school in years 7 and 8. He laughed. And then explained to me the truly awful stuff that went on in his school that to me sounded like an episode of Grange Hill. Including people using weapons in each other.*
*
This. I think the private people and people who went to school in nicer areas can be a little naive when they say 'oh, it happens everywhere'. Little Casper or Esme wouldn't have lasted five seconds at my school. Lol.

Don’t know, but I suspect that it would occur anywhere. The reason for bullying may be different - your parents aren’t rich enough, you don’t have your own horse/pony, my dad paid for half the school etc. Then you will have those whose children will get away with it because their parents are famous/well known celebs/ bribe pay for school projects/building etc.

I went to private school in the 90s and I was physically bullied (pinching games, hiding belongings) and mentally bullied (name calling for being studious). The worst of it was around ages 10-13 which I suspect is generally the case as identities are being formed. There was a lot of fickle friendships groups between girls. This settled a lot from age 14/15. It depends on the school as the one I went to placed emphasis on being an all round school, not just academic attainment. Therefore if you did really well academically you sort of stood out and could be a target. The thing with private is there is a choice and you can look at what is best for an individual child. I don't remember not feeling safe, if anything I felt more safe as it was located in countryside and you had to be picked up by parents to get home. If I had gone to my local school I can imagine I would have got into issues maybe.

I think a big difference is class size, they are smaller at private and I imagine/from limited experience working in secondaries as an adult this makes a difference to behaviour.

This. I think the private people and people who went to school in nicer areas can be a little naive when they say 'oh, it happens everywhere'. Little Casper or Esme wouldn't have lasted five seconds at my school. Lol. OP, that statement alone could be perceived as bullying on your part.

So “little Casper” maybe didn’t go to a school where kids were beaten up on a regular basis, but maybe “little Casper” was emotionally bullied, ignored, teased, told that he wasn’t good enough and the list goes on.

Just because one person’s experience isn’t the same as the one you know doesn’t make that experience less valid, and tbh the fact that you are smearing at the experiences of others who didn’t fit into your setting says nothing good about you.

@AlternativePerspective

This. I think the private people and people who went to school in nicer areas can be a little naive when they say 'oh, it happens everywhere'. Little Casper or Esme wouldn't have lasted five seconds at my school. Lol. OP, that statement alone could be perceived as bullying on your part.

So “little Casper” maybe didn’t go to a school where kids were beaten up on a regular basis, but maybe “little Casper” was emotionally bullied, ignored, teased, told that he wasn’t good enough and the list goes on.

Just because one person’s experience isn’t the same as the one you know doesn’t make that experience less valid, and tbh the fact that you are smearing at the experiences of others who didn’t fit into your setting says nothing good about you.

Apologies.

There was a case a couple of years ago which was in all the newspapers at the time, 2 boys from a private school in Manchester, one fatally stabbed the other. I’m not saying it was a bulllying incident because I don’t know the full details, but it just goes to show that private school doesn’t buy you nice teenagers who don’t get into trouble.