Desperately worried about my son - how concerned should I be?

[Advice4worriedMum]

I posted this yesterday in 90 days only but I only got one response and I’m still so worried. I’m hoping a busier board might help me get replies.

I’ve name changed for this but I’m a long time user. The reasons I’ve name changed will be obvious when you’ve read the post.

Please read this, I know it’s long but I’m desperate.

Please be gentle in what you say to me. My life is very hard and I’m days away from scan results to see whether my tumour is growing yet again.

Life has been very traumatic for out family since I was diagnosed. It happened overnight and I almost died in my bed. My children barely saw me for 6 weeks as I was in intensive care followed by having massive brain surgery. Our life was turned on its head.

At the time my eldest son was 8. We were very close and he has since struggled with worrying about me. I have had my tumour return twice since and had more surgeries and standard cancer treatments.
In late 2019, my son (12 at the time) was being groomed by some bastard which he came to me about the very day it happened. To cut a very long story short, after a long investigation the person has been charged with inciting sexual contact with a child under 13 as well as 18 offences towards other minors some of which went a lot further and had gone on a lot longer. My son was the reason it all came to light as we went straight to the police and they were incredible and have worked so hard to get this to court. We are awaiting his please.

For the last year my son has been stealing money from us and using it to self-medicate by binge eating. I’m not talking about small amounts, I mean massively massively gorging on energy drinks, crisps, chocolate, sweets, biscuits and so on. We’ve tried everything we can think of to get him to stop but the minute we turn our back, he binges. He is now almost 14 stone and it’s breaking my heart. I’ve been back and forth to the GP to try and get help but we are awaiting an appointment with a child psychologist. My son also has bad dyslexia and dyspraxia and is awaiting an assessment for ADHD. He sees a school counsellor and victim support officer but obviously this has all stopped with lockdown.

This is where it gets even more worrying. Today I was in his room and checking his usual hiding places for wrappers. I checked his pillowcase and inside I found a sock and also a pair of my pants. I’m a comfort over style person so they’re nothing racy at all. I am gutted. I don’t know what to do. I fully understand that 13yo boys will masterbate and I have had the conversation with him before about it being a normal part of growing up and telling him to just make sure he’s discreet. We are quite open with each other although his counsellor has told me that he has said he doesn’t like to worry me so doesn’t open up about his feelings.

As if life isn’t worrying enough, I’m now beside myself that this is totally odd behaviour for a son. I don’t know where to turn to for advice. I don’t know what to do. I honestly feel like I can’t take anymore stress and worry in my life. Obviously I can’t talk to anyone in real life about it other then my DH.

Can anyone offer any advice?

Could they have just got caught up in there in the wash? I do sometimes find stray socks in the pillowcases that have been missing some time. Just a possible innocent explanation

I was going to suggest they were deposited there in the wash rather than your son.

It happens, especially if you have a tumble dryer

Just came to say I always have crazy stuff caught up In my bedding from the dryer and washer. Could be innocent.

I really don’t think you should get hung up on the pants. If he did take them for masturbatory purposes (which is a slightly weird conclusion to jump to) I’m sure he won’t have been thinking of you. They are just sexy pants as far as he is concerned. Take them back and don’t worry about it. Focus on the eating disorder.

Just wanted to send you a handhold, it sounds like an awful time

I agree about them getting caught in the wash . Does your son know his counsellor is also talking to you? I hope it doesn’t put him off opening up to them if he does.

Don't worry about the pants. They probably got caught up in the wash. Even if they didn't I still wouldn't worry it could be anything and you're thinking the worse case scenario because your stressed (understandably).

Focus on the eating disorder and find someone professionally who specialises in that.

X

I expect the underwear was either caught in the wash or, less likely, the lad was trying them on. They do some odd things at this age, it's nothing to worry about.
Initially, I would be most concerned about him consuming energy drinks. I think, if you could get him to stop having one thing, it needs to be these because they're the most damaging.
Eating disorders as a response to stress are, unfortunately, very common. I really hope things improve for you and your family.

Advice4worriedMum .. ah Advice you have so much to contend with at the moment. I’m not an expert - I hope someone who is will come along soon and I will check later to bump for you if they haven’t.

I definitely would not mention anything to him; I’m sure that’s obvious but doing so won’t make things any better.
If he is using them fir the reasons you fear, which I highly doubt, the association will not be with you, as someone has already said.

Very well done to the both of you for having the kind of relationship whereby he could confide in you and take the grooming to the police. Hurrah also that they dealt with it well. You might have saved some poor kid from abuse.
As you will know he’s referring his anxiety on to food and eating habits, so it’s the anxiety that needs dealt with rather than his calorie intake.
I’m also pleased for you that you’re in remission - please try not to be too anxious

In normal times I’d be asking which clubs he’s involved with or could e involved with, in order to take his mind off his worries. But as we know that is not an option at the moment —more is the pity - poor you and your poor little DS—
He needs urgent help fir his mental health. I would keep ringing your GP’s practice to obtain the help you need.
Please do nit advocate any kind of profit-driven Slimming World or the like where they further instill guilt about food, and bad habits.
He needs to turn his head away from food, not towards it.
I feel so bad for you.

On phone so excuse typos etc

I don’t really have any advice but just wanted to give you a big virtual squeeze. You’ve had so much to contend with.

I honestly wouldn't worry too much about this. If it was an intentional knocker taking moment I would just put it down to an odd early teen years moment and not think about it too much.

Loads of people do weird stuff in their teens and I means loads. And some v weird things but if you are supporting him to get the help he needs this early on in his life, you are doing pretty well 😊

Another vote for the pants and sock just got caught in the pillowslip in the wash. Happens all the time. And even if he is using them as a handy cloth for other things, that's normal teenage boy behaviour.

But the wider situation all sounds increasingly tough for all of you. Sounds like you are getting him all the help and support you can. Honestly, it sounds like you are doing amazingly well under awful circumstances.

I would speak to GO 're his anxiety. My youngest suffered from an anxiety disorder at same age as your son, over are and put on weight. He was referred to CAHMs, results weren't immediat but he has since made good profress, now a healthy weight, healthy eating habits.
I wouldn't worry 're pants, sounds like got caught up in wash.
I wish you both well.

Thank you all so much for taking the time to reply to me.

Unfortunately they didn’t end up in there accidentally as they had been used to mop up (from what I could tell, I didn’t want to look too closely) along with a sock of his. I left them there as I know he will get rid of them when I tell him I’m going to change the beds. I would never want to embarrass him, I guess I just wanted reassurance that this isn’t something I should read too much into.

I should have said that the counsellor doesn’t discuss their sessions but the only thing she has said is that he doesn’t want to worry me so doesn’t open up much at home. I think she was trying to reassure me that he does open up to her which is of course confidential but makes me feel better that he has someone he is comfortable with.

I am pushing to get him the support he needs. I wish we had the money to go privately as I know how stretched the CAMHS services are.

Unfortunately my tumour is incurable but I am hoping desperately that I will see them to adulthood and I do believe in miracles so I always hold on to that. We are very positive at home and my illness doesn’t impact our day to day life thankfully, in fact it’s only really ever mentioned when there is a scan looming.

@Moonface123 I can’t tell you how much hope it gives me to hear your son has made such good progress. All I want is to see him happy and healthy.

@boppin that’s a very good point and I think I just wanted to hear that from someone else!

I know he wants to change the habits he’s got himself into but whenever he gets the chance he repeats the same cycle.

He started rugby about 3/4 months before the first lockdown so obviously hasn’t had much time to get into it but it was so sad to watch him as he just has no confidence so really hangs back on the field. Fingers crossed it will restart in a few weeks. He’s also asked to start learning how to ‘spar’ with my friends son when he can so that will be good for him as it’s physical and will be one to one so he won’t feel as intimidated.

I feel so much better after reading these replies so thank you all so much for taking the time to reply to me and for all your kindness