Children of divorce - did anyone grow up split between a wealthy house and a poor house?

[Kalllop]

Trying to gauge opinions of what you now feel about this as an adult. My DC are split between a very wealthy house and a lower income house (not food bank levels but not far off). No maintenance payable as 50/50 care.

I am upping my warning potential as much as I can but would never get near their level as they have two people earning high salaries and I just have me on an average salary.

I worry so much that the DC won’t like being here as they get older. They share bedrooms here, we don’t go abroad, our furniture is old and knackered, we’re squished in a house which is rented and too small. Their dads house is the exact opposite. I don’t want them to get to teenagers and decide to upsticks and leave because it’s more comfortable there.

We split all joint costs, school trips etc but even that is sometimes a huge stretch for me and seems like nothing to them. It’s a constant worry in the back of my head

Trust your kids to notice and realise that love and nurture don't cost anything and they are secure in your love. They are more likely to realise that your ex is selfish and unreasonable for forcing costs to be split 50:50 between the rich house and the poor house and it will eventually damage their relationship in that direction, not their relationship with you. Focus on the love though, and everything else will sort itself out sooner or later.

I'm in a similar position, we rent, xh bought a house with his parents help. Out lifestyle has changed spectacularly since I divorced and I know she feels that. But it cannot be changed and as Kiho says, i just focus on the relationship. I'm in a much better place than many other people, so am very grateful, but whereas I don't care what xh has, dd has a very stark comparison which is hard to ignore.

How has it been decided that you pay for dc same as wealthy ex??

Op all our furniture here came mostly free.. Frrecyle can you check that out?

Oh OP, it sounds like you're doing the best you can for your children and they'll see and appreciate that/you as they get older. I don't think it will make a difference as long as you provide a warm and loving home.

My step-children had a similar experience. Their mum 'left' them as small toddlers so my now husband gained custody of them. Their mum was bohemian, has never held down a proper job, always been in rented flats etc. She didn't really act as a mum to her kids when they were younger and was more interested in singing, drinking and having flat parties.

DH started seeing another woman and they, together, ended up earning a considerable salary and moved into a large 6 bed period home with many holidays abroad and the best of everything. The children eventually rebuilt a relationship with their mum, staying each weekend. From what the children have said (they're now in their 20s), they hated their mum being so flakey and unreliable when they were younger and also noticed a huge difference in the amount of toys/bedding/heating between houses etc. But, as they got older, they realised their mum was really cool, an old hippy and they love her to bits. One actually lives with his mum and she's still in the same flat.

DH was with the new, rich,, woman for around 7 years. They split up and DH walked away from the relationship with nothing. His wages was significantly lower than what their joint income had been and he moved into a small 3 bed rental. He couldn't really afford the rent and had to cycle 35 miles to work as couldn't pay petrol and he cooked the kids food grown in his parents garden. Again, the kids went through a big contrast as now mum and dad were living more similarly. One child struggled, the other accepted it.

DH and I met when the children were young teenagers. We, together, bought a beautiful house and our joint salary placed us as relatively high earners. The children, by this age, saw how hard we worked, how stressed we sometimes got with work, etc and gained a better idea of the hard work that goes on behind the scenes to maintain a lifestyle with a big house and holidays. They loved going to their mums as it was more chilled and relaxed. They are both in their mid 20s now and live much more like their mum than us.

What I'm saying op is a reliable parent, who shows love, warmth and encouragement to their children, is what a child wants and craves. I don't think you have anything to worry about.

I did, I loved my parents equally but my Dad lived in a large detached house and my mum in a very small three bed terrace. I decided to live with my Dad because my life would be more comfortable. I was in my mid teens so I valued my own space. At my mums there was just a box room with space for only a bed and one living room for 4 people. My dads had a few reception rooms so I could have friends over and a big bedroom with a desk for my school work. It wasn’t that anyone loved me more - it was just a better situation for me and everyone appreciated that.

I do remember being very influenced by money as a teen. My dad was a high earner and whilst he never spent money on me particularly he did make me feel safe. My mum lurched from one financial crisis to the next and it was unsettling.

I’m sorry you’re in this position OP. It sounds really shit 🙁

Firstly, both houses were happier apart than together, so in splitting you have likely done the best thing imo for the mental health of you and your children.
Secondly, yes you notice the difference peripherally, especially when you're a teen. But for me security was the bigger issue, and freedom. A separate bedroom was a big thing, but the reliability/security of my mum was also huge.
As an adult, it does not escape me that she struggled and maintained a career and home for us, with delicate MH and no small element of heartbreak. When I think of home I think of her primarily. And I recognise now the struggle she had, and her achievements in providing for us. I suspect that is the knowledge and understanding your children will come to as well.

When I was a child me and mum were poor. We had no heating whatsoever in the house, I had second hand clothes, I didn’t go on school trips as we didn’t have the money.
At my dad’s they had central heating and went on foreign holidays - without me.
But dad’s house wasn’t home and my step mum was a psycho to me.
Mum’s house was my home. I didn’t want to be anywhere else.

Oh this has made me feel a bit better actually

Surely your ex should be paying more? Have you gone through the CMS? He will get a reduction as he has them 50% of the time. However, even if their rules were to say no maintenance then, as their father, he should WANT them to have a fair and equitable lifestyle, or at least contribute towards it in some way.

When I left exh I took the clothes I had. He kept the lot.
Dc had bare minimum with me.
At exh's they had no rules, junk food, at 7 ds had a phone, ipad and laptop... The 3 dc had copious amounts of cash and games consoles.. I didn't even bite and attempt to 'compete'..
At 12 +14 2 dc went nc with their df... Even though they knew he would make them leave it all behind. They still left him.
At 17 +19 they are great dc on the road to great things. They don't see exh.

Yes. My mum kept the house and my dad bought a tiny one bedroom cottage as he couldn’t afford anything bigger so we all bunked up wherever we could. Years later my dad was earning a lot more and has ended up very wealthy but we all have close relationships with both parents and the financial peaks and troughs haven’t affected how we see either of them.

I kind of did (my mother isn’t super wealthy but lives in a very nice middle class area in the Home Counties whilst my dad lives in a deprived part of the country) this has been their situation since I was about fifteen, I am now 23 and I can genuinely say I have never not wanted to visit my dad or not enjoyed visiting my dad because he lives in a less well off area. In fact, I have a lot of fun when I go to see him and we will usually go for walks at the beach or visit the surrounding countryside. I love it and love them both the same, regardless of whose house costs more

It must be a real worry but hopefully the children will want to continue to live at yours 50/50 . They might decide to stay at their dads though at some stage or maybe something will happen and they ll stay more at yours. I guess the main thing is to love and support them, try not to let the worry affect how you are now and try and respect their choices as they get older. Easier said than done, I would be devastated I know.

Hey @Kalllop - I’m in a very similar situation ( although not 50/50 but they have a half sibling at their dads who they adore) and also worried. My earning capacity is further limited by the fact one of my DC has SEN so can’t access childcare easily. One my DC is more motivated by ‘things’ as well.

I guess the reality is there isn’t anything no we can do sadly