red flag or ms being paranoid?

[henryhoober]

Not dated in a while, mid/late 30s. Met a man recently and mike him a lot. Unheard of for me and I’ve been on a LOT of online dates!

He’s 40, single 6 years. Seen him most weekends, bought flowers for valentines, has cooked for me sometimes. Not slept together but been in bed lots and cuddled/watched films etc. It’s been nice.

But he’s weird with texting. I know you shouldn’t check read recipes or last online etc but the option is there and I can’t help it. He will text some days and then we say goodnight and even his instigation I later see him online for hours afterwards?! He also doesn’t always listen to voice messages when I send them. This is when he’s back from work so not like he couldn’t listen.

I know I sound paranoid but I’ve had some awful experiences including one who was married and I didn’t know for months! I’ve been to this mans place and don’t think that’s the case here but he’s obviously talking to someone late a night isn’t he?

Like him a lot not mike him a lot!

Read receipts on WhatsApp not read recipes 😂

Paranoid, based on what you've said so far.

What time does he say goodnight and what time is he still online?

Half ten he says night then online until gone midnight!

He’s obviously talking to someone... and unlikely to be family every night at midnight. All his friends are married with family so unlikely to be them at that hour either?

No not obviously talking to someone could be but alot of people just start reading loads of random stuff and look things up browse social media etc just cos he is online doesn't mean he is doing anything he shouldn't be doing and anyway he may have just not logged off. If u have a feeling he is hiding or something ask him

It’s WhatsApp though, only shows when you’re on it...

Feel it’s too soon to ask something like that @Haveyouallgonequitemad

When I am online reading absute crap late at night (it's 1230am now) I quite often flick onto WhatsApp just to check there are no new messages or I. Might re read a conversation from work or something I received earlier don't assume he is talking to someone else

Maybe...just get the sense it’s not that. Have been burned in the past and really like him.

Half ten he says night then online until gone midnight!

He could be talking to a friend. I have a friend who's a night owl, as am I, and we'll often exchange messages late.

If I were you I would turn the 'last seen' option off on WhatsApp and decide if you either trust him or you don't.

I would find someone monitoring my online activities a massive red flag to be honest. You say in to your OP that 'he's weird about texting' but I'm really sorry, I think it's weird to be checking on him like this. If it was the other way round everyone would be saying 'run away, he sounds controlling' etc etc. I'm genuinely not trying to be horrible OP, it's just how I see it, though I do understand that it's difficult to trust someone when you've been let down before.

You need either to get over it and accept that other people have a right to their own lives or say something. How are randoms on MN supposed to know whats going on?

not to be mean or anything, but are you sure you are ready for a relationship? You shouldn’t use what happened in the past to be mean to your new chap.

I know what you mean. I don’tthink you should check up on him as such but if he is on WhatsApp after he has said goodnight to you, he could well be talking to other women.

I do this, my friend constantly complains but I compartmentalise everything. So finish talking to a friend and then I won't re-enter the conversation even if she texts as I'm in a different head space. A message isn't a summons, just because I'm online doesn't mean I want to continue talking. I also often go through chats which have links I haven't looked at.

I feel like I've read at least three different versions of this thread during the past couple of weeks

No the only one exhibiting red flags is you.

FGS what is it with these people who seem to feel the need to notice whenever someone is online but daring not to be in contact with them.

If I was seeing a bloke and he said to me “you say goodnight to me at 10:30 but I notice you’re online at midnight, you’re obviously talking to other men,” I would run a bloody mile.

You obviously don’t trust him but tbh I don’t think you can be surprised if he decides he doesn’t want to be with someone as controlling and paranoid as you appear to be. And no, past experiences aren’t an excuse.

I have a friend who texts me at 3 in the morning but he lives abroad and is in a different time zone. If I’m awake I’ll text back, similarly I have other friends who text whenever, sometimes it’s in the middle of the night, and if I’m awake I will text back. I would take a dim view of anyone who was monitoring my online activity to that extent.

If someone I'd only been dating a matter of weeks started critiquing my online activity I'd think it was a massive red flag.

I often say goodnight to people and carry on messing about online - but if other messages come in while I'm awake I'll read and reply if I feel like it.

How would you feel if he was monitoring your internet use and pulled you up on it?

I also think you’re exhibiting some major red flags here op. I’d be really worried if I met a man recently and he was sitting stalking my online movements and thinking I was texting other men. It’s really creepy.

He could easily be talking to a friend or colleague. Just because people are married with kids doesn’t mean they go to bed at ten.

Also how long ago is “recently” . How long have you known him?

Think about this OP, you're online checking if he's online. What if he too is wondering why you're regularly showing as online as late as midnight yet you're not talking to him?

I thought so too looking

You need to turn off your read receipts and 'last online' on WhatsApp. It's making you paranoid.

Why are you monitoring if he's listened to your voice messages? Maybe he doesn't have headphones on him, or prefers text? Id be completely freaked out if a casual boyfriend was monitoring my messaging like this. You are behaving in a crazy way. Either chill out or accept you're not ready for a relationship right now. You can't guarantee that nobody will ever hurt you, you just have to weigh up the risk vs reward in each case and make a choice.

I'd disagree with the pp who said it can't be married friends- of course it can! Both dh and I spend time in the evening whatsapping friends once the kids are in bed. Loads of my other friends do too - most people are working and homeschooling all day right now. I'm more likely to be chatting to a friend on whatsapp at 11pm than 11am!