Does anybody have experience with this?
I'm 30, have DD 4 and DP of 10 years. I have an alright job and seem to be doing quite well. DP on the other hand not so ambitious but that's fine, I prefer having financial independence.
I keep having moments where I look around and think along the lines of "is this it?", "what's the point?"
DD is the one thing in my life that I never doubt, she is amazing and I would cut my own head off with a butter knife for her. She is never the target of my thoughts.
Sometimes I think about jumping on a plane with her and just buggering off. I can't do this of course.
I don't own my own home, although not for lack of trying. I try and save but DP is forever buying crap. I earn 50k, he earns 20k. It's gotten to the point now where I am hiding money and will never consider a joint mortgage with him. We are renting for now.
He doesn't make any effort with me, he is paranoid, doesn't help much in the house.
I sometimes feel like I'm being gaslighted but I'm not 100% sure. We broke up in 2018, and it knocked me for six (I ended it after feeling much the same as I do now), but I couldn't function, it was like grieving.
It's like I'm scared of ending things because of how awful the last time was for us both, and the fact that he would struggle to support himself. If I kicked him out, he would have nowhere to go. I feel responsible for him.
I just want some of my old fire back. I've turned into a right miserable bag and it's not like me. I don't know what to do for the best. Each year that moves along feels like another year lost where I'm not happy and just plodding along.
I was with a close family member whilst they died quite recently and I think this is what has blown my mind. One day, that will be me and do I really want to think back on my life and see it littered with regret?
What the fuck do I do?