Depressed 21 year old son told me & DH to f *** off and he hates us - what to do ?

[Readysteadife]

Our son moved back in with us at Christmas after he broke up with his girlfriend.

He left us on bad terms when he moved in with her , basically just walking out . We didn’t hear from him for months . Scroll forward to Xmas abs I wanted to wish him a merry Christmas, but I couldn’t get hold off him , the gf mum said we need to go and get him . He is going mad and very angry. She even said he needs to be sectioned!
He came back on Xmas day . We have got him a counsellor, a psychologist and he is anti depressants . Nothing is working . He is denial about being angry and is blaming us for everything.

He told me to F off because I mentioned about getting a job.

We don’t know what to do now . If we throw him out he will be homeless.

Can you get to the bottom of his behaviour. Is this something that has just started or has it progressively become worse? I do realise you don't want to ask him to leave but he needs to understand that he can't talk or treat you this way without any action being taken or for him to at least tell you what's going on.

What happened with the girlfriend?
Does he smoke weed or any other drugs?

I would be worried about drugs, if this is new and unusual behaviour.

Might he have a personality disorder that you don't know about? He's over 18, so his psychologist is unlikely to tell you anything about any such diagnosis, but it's worth bearing in mind. Also, as Whatsnew says, cannabis can and will exacerbate underlying MH issues. Could you speak to the girlfriend (presumably now his ex?) or her mother to get to the bottom of (a) why he walked out of his family home and into hers/theirs and (b) why the mother seems so adamant that he needed to be sectioned a couple of months ago? Would they communicate with you, do you think?

It's tricky. A balancing act. I have an adult child with severe MH issues, who I ended up changing the locks on in December, so I know how it feels. But there has to be a line your son cannot cross - and knows that he cannot cross - without consequences. Even at 21. , @Readysteadife - and empathy.

If he has a counsellor, psychologist antidepressants and ‘nothing is working’ then chances are he can’t even contemplate work tbh.

If he isn’t working is he claiming any benefits so he doesn’t miss out on national insurance contributions being paid? I believe pip can be applied for after 3 months for M.H, it sounds as if he is really struggling and needs support not throwing out.

Yes , he has a big problem with weed and probably other drugs . He has not been honest with us about this , but his girlfriends Mum has .

He has not had any money to buy this , but he has now had his universal credit come through on Friday .

Thank you - what is pip ? I don’t know much about all of this

The change happened when he turned 18 . He just thought he didn’t have to do anything we said anymore .

His girlfriends family are very different from us and didn’t seem to care about their daughter not turning up for a level classes . My son was on course for ABB grades , but came out with CD/DVD and ended up not going to uni because of his girlfriend.
He then moved into his girlfriends house in March last year .
He has worked in various jobs and even for a drug dealer I believe. The girlfriends mum was all for him moving in. , but I think even she got fed up with my son .
He left here because we didn’t let him stay out all night , he didn’t lock our front door , he showed no respect to us . The last straw was him getting arrested for drink driving with his girlfriend on the car .

I really hate to be blunt on this, but following your update its time for him to go- think of it as tough love perhaps....

I know he's your son, but he's old enough to take some consequences that might just help him, before those consequences become alot more serious.....

He’s he needs to go. And hope he doesn't go back to his poor gf’s.

We don’t know what to do , he has no where to go , he would be homeless

Then give him a reasonable time limit and stick to it.

‘You need to have moved out by 1st September. Start looking for work and a room in a house share now. In the mean time you will pay x% of your wages / unemployment benefit towards your upkeep. If you swear once at either of us in that time, you will leave immediately. If you use drugs, you will leave immediately. If you do not act in a Respectful manner (but be specific), you will leave immediately.’ Be very, very clear what your boundaries aRe and stick go them.

Stop making his current situation an attractive long term option.

I would hazard a guess that he’s lashing out because he feels bad about himself and his situation. If he is struggling with his own thoughts, and then feels that he has to live up to someone else’s expectations ie pull yourself together and get a job or get out, then I’m not surprised he’s reacted the way he has. I’ve been there. Let him know there is no judgement of him - he is safe and welcome at home to start with. No expectations or time scales to begin with, but that you want to help him get better and that he needs to find the right help to get there...maybe the counselling isn’t the right approach or the medication the right type yet...

He doesn't hate you, he is just venting as you are closest to him.

He's confused and hates himself and his life right now. He's frustrated that he has to live with you and that you have to see him this way so he lashes out.
He doesn't realise yet how lucky he is that he has you to move in with.
He needs a bit of head space to get his head around what's going wrong in his life. He takes more drugs to blank his mind out to his confused feelings which are their because he takes drugs.
I'm not sure what I'd do other than leave him alone keeping an eye on him from a distance so he doesn't harm himself for the time being.
You're very kind to let him live with you whilst he behaves like this.
If it gets too unbearable you can change the locks when he goes out and he will have to fend for himself.